Midwife Visit

I met with my midwife today. She's so lovely.

But when we spoke on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to discuss my mom's death at our next in-person meeting. Apparently I had neglected to mention it in our initial meeting. Not surprising, I reckon, since Calliope was with me.

So I brought it up today. I think it's really been at the root of a lot of my recent anxiety. My pregnancy anxiety is a lot less lately, partly because I'm growing and partly because a very generous SMC gifted me her fetal doppler. Being able to hear Blueberry's tiny heartbeat whenever I want is very reassuring.

But now I feel the anxiety coming out in other ways. Namely, when I have the slightest hint of anyone -- sibling, nanny, management company -- my adrenaline system goes into overdrive. Even when it's something minor. And it's always something minor. And I know it, even in the moment, but I can't seem to get my body to calm down.

So today, Chris and I discussed this. We are going to explore some therapy options. I'm not interested in a long or even medium term therapeutic relationship -- far too much work for me -- but I wouldn't mind a couple of sessions.

What was interesting to me was just feeling the tears well up in my eyes, talking to her. I didn't actually cry... but it's the closest I've come to it since the day of my mother's funeral. I think, although I'm very busy at work, that being back in my "regular" life in Brooklyn, I'm more able to think about her death than I was when I was living in her MA and completely overwhelmed by my possible but worrisome pregnancy.

I just don't know how to let go and stop being in control for a few minutes. But how do I get past this grief business without that skill?

Checking Out the Corn at Frost Valley

Thirteen Weeks

IRL friends can tactfully disagree, but I think I'm still pass
as a regular non-pregnant person. (Twisting to take the
photo makes me look slightly bigger, I think?)

Much more obvious here!
It's amazing how much faster I'm growing this time.

Twelve Weeks

I'm down a half a pound from my pre-pregnancy weight, but everything feels bigger anyway.
Otherwise feeling pretty well. A little tired from my first full week back at work, though...
or is that pregnancy fatigue?

Look! she has a face! (Excuse the orientation of the photo -- I don't love Blogger.)

Besties Reunited

Of course, the best part of being away, especially after a long summer at Grammy's house, is coming home.

And for Calliope, coming home means Eleanor (and Mommy). I thought she might want to see her room first, after being away for six weeks, but all she wanted was to go straight to Eleanor's house.

These two girls have been together eight hours a day (mostly without other children) since they were three and four months old. And they couldn't have been more thrilled to be back together again.

Their favorite -- butter scones at Qathra on Sunday mornings

It's more fun, albeit a little crowded, to slide together?

First gymnastics class -- Eleanor at far left, Calliope in the middle, next to their former classmate, Claire 

At the playground with good buddy Iris

On the subway with Iris of the amazing sunglasses.
Not needing the stroller anymore allows for so many new adventures!

Our nanny and Iris's are good friends so luckily the girls see a lot of each
other. They get along beautifully. Whenever Iris' nanny is sick, Susie
watches all three. They have a blast and both Iris and Eleanor cry when it's
time to go home.

They insisted on holding hands to walk to the playground for some sprinkler fun

First play date at Eleanor's house after a summer apart

Camping Trip 2014

Puddle jumping with Luna 

Luna has some mad puddle jumping skills

Beautiful Sebgao Cabin Camp. I love the light here.

Feeding time at the Bear Mountain Zoo

Taking a break to bury her feet in the sand

Jen and Luna swimmingi n beautiful Lake Sebago

Calliope started being entirely independent in the public bathroom (going in the stall solo)

and even conquered her fear of the hand dryer, though it amused me no end that her hands

were only vaguely near it while she was supposedly drying them.

"Look! We found the perfect sticks (twigs) for roasting marshmallows!"

Pippi Longstocking Goes Camping

Group hike at Bear Mountain

The view at Bear Mountain

Could hardly keep my fish out of the water. She learned to put her face in the water this
trip and was so proud of herself.

Calliope's Third Birthday

Quick photo on her birthday morning before heading to our camping trip

We had a birthday party with her cousins in MA the week before her birthday.

As usual, it was the perfect party for both of us. Extremely low stress (and low cost) for me, and for Calliope, she adores her cousins and revels in being the center of attention. I wish that a few of her same age buddies could have been there, especially her beloved Eleanor, but the nice thing about being ][by far] the youngest child at her own birthday party is that there is zero competition with the birthday girl. The older kids smile indulgently and celebrate her "wins" at the group games that my sister organized, complete with Elmo "medals." They showered her with attention and Calliope just glowed. It was beautiful to see.

I ordered flatbread pizza for dinner -- which was a hit even with the grown ups -- and my sister in law ordered her the most beautiful birthday cake I've ever seen. She even topped it with a ballet dancer cake topper from her own third birthday!

It was another perfect birthday party for Calliope!

Eleven Weeks Sono

No one was surprised, except for me, that the eleven week ultrasound was totally normal. Of course.

And I remembered that, duh, I stopped estrogen pills this week and started doing every other day PIO. And progesterone is known to cause bloating. So probably the decreased dosage caused me to release some water weight. Duh.

Blueberry is looking distinctly more human -- she has limbs! she has a nose! -- though, unfortunately, not in this photo.

Calliope came with me and, when asked, dutifully responded, "that's my baby 'stister'!"

Only one week until my nuchal scan. And a very generous SMC has sent me her Doppler, which should arrive any day now. Hopefully that will keep future anxiety attacks at bay.

More Pregnancy Freak Outs: Welcome to Week Eleven

I weighed myself at work yesterday, after eating, expecting to have gained another pound.

Instead, I was down to a half a pound below my pre-IVF weight. And that's right after eating, so I'm probably at least a half pound lighter than that.

I checked again today, after breakfast, and I was still down.

Ordinarily, I would be happy... but instead I'm concerned. I don't feel especially smaller. My thighs might be slightly less "fluffy" than right after my week of camping/no exercise, but not significantly. I'm not sick. I'm not having food aversions. I guess my portions are slightly smaller than pre-pregnancy but I've added in a mid-morning snack.

So naturally, my response is to freak out and assume that "something bad" has happened.

It's especially weird because my stomach looked much bigger, suddenly, two days ago. And now it's a bit smaller again.

I finally called my anxious and nearly cried when explaining my fears. She was very reassuring, said this is common, and offered to send me for an extra ultrasound. I gratefully accepted. My nuchal scan is only eight days away.... but eight whole days is a very long time to wait when you're an anxious gal like me.

So I have an appointment tomorrow.

I had some issues with weight gain in my first pregnancy. I think I gained only about three pounds in the first 20 weeks, and then didn't gain again until almost 30 weeks? The baby was growing fine but I got sent for an extra ultrasound just in case. At that point I could feel her kick and my belly was growing steadily so I wasn't particularly worried. But early pregnancy is harder, when you don't have many clues as to what is going on inside. I can't complain about not having nausea but there is some reassurance to having it.

My sister pointed out that even medical scales (which I used both at work and at the RE's office) can vary. I'm not sure that's true -- I calibrated the one at my office and I hope the one at the RE's office was calibrated -- but it's certainly possible, and that's reassuring.

10.5 weeks, belly suddenly bigger (messy room)

I think I do look smaller here. This is early in the day, versus at night for the others.

Last Day of Summer

Tomorrow I go back to work. Sniff.

I'm already missing my girl.

Here she is on her first solo ride at Coney Island. My brave girl.

The regal wave