I've been struggling to do the Geneen Roth style intuitive eating.
Partly it's that I just don't always want to think about every morsel going into my mouth. I don't think I drastically overeat but being hyperconscious of every bite is exhausting.
Perhaps because of this, I don't feel like I've lost any weight and in fact I feel like I've gained a little.
It feels impossible for me to lose weight but gaining is frustrating. I'm wondering if I need to cut out sugar again. And maybe wheat as well? Even though I HATE the feeling of having food rules.
But then I start thinking that something is missing from my life. And I think that thing is... FUN.
I'm not getting enough pleasure in life. Deferred pleasure from making my children is lovely but it's not enough by itself. I had been trying to go out twice a month for a Mama's night out but things fell by the wayside with all the real estate transactions and preparing for renovations. I think I've been out once in the last month.
(I got to go ice skating with Calliope yesterday and she wanted to skate together, holding hands, and it was very sweet. The sun, the cold air, the music, watching her gleefully glide across the ice.... all brought a smile to my face. Everything apart from bringing her home with her friend Eleanor and listening to them squabble the whole time.)
This sounds silly but I think reading -- you know, actually BOOKS, not the Forum or Facebook -- would help me recharge. Reading feels like practically sinful self care. But it's hard to find a book that excites me. And then my library card just stopped working for some reason. Usually I use it to download ebooks (so I never have to actually go to the library). So now I can't use my library card until I can make time to go to the library. Not easy when I commute with a six year old who is slow moving, especially when the commute involves extra walking. But I have one afternoon commute this week where I am traveling solo. I just have to plan ahead.
I hope that might help.
Anyone else suffer from a lack of mom oriented fun in her life? What have you done to help yourself recharge? (Hint: bubble baths aren't my thing and sweets clearly aren't working well for me.)
Monday, December 18, 2017
Wednesday, December 13, 2017
Peace... and A Reminder to Myself Of What to Think About When I Lose My Way
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| Relaxing over hot chocolate after skating lessons |
Well, apparently dumping all that yesterday on you guys helped. I've been feeling more peaceful now.
Telling myself over and over that everything is all right for now. I have my job. I have my girls. I have this soon-to-be beautiful apartment that I got to design to my specifications. Lucky lucky me.
IF I'm told that I will lose my job... I will not panic. Not begin posting my resume far and wide within ten minutes of getting the news. I will breathe. And wait.
I will give myself time to figure out what << I >> really want. Without inserting the needs and desires of potential future employers. Most likely, I will decide to take the girls to Mexico for the rest of the school year. I will try to find a renter for that time without committing to a full year, as my real estate broker insists I need to. I can at least TRY to find someone before sacrificing what feels safest for me, which is just the school year. And not get rid of or sell all my belongings, either.
I should be able to rent out the new place for a good sum so that would cover our living expenses, hooray!
And IF we go to Mexico, I can not work at first and just BE. Be with my girls, figure out schooling for them without urgency. Maybe volunteer part time at first -- but not right away -- at the amazing non profit down there. Take some Spanish classes. Breathe. And only once I feel centered, make decisions.
The only thing I need to do right now is figure out when and how long I want to visit Mexico this summer. This seems like a good idea, to spend more time there and find out more about what it might be like to live there. Spend some time at the non profit that would give me a job should I need one. Lucky me, I know!
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| "Visiting Christmas" at a friend's since we don't celebrate -- trimming the tree and dressing up as angels. |
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| Help walking ont the wall with beloved SMC friend Annabelle -- she lives downstairs and she and her mom are family to us. |
Tuesday, December 12, 2017
Renovations Starting Soon, and Job Stress
Isn't that an enticing title? Ugh.
Things are about to start happening quickly with the new apartment. The contractor came by last night to pick up keys and a check. Tomorrow, Wednesday, he and the demolition guy will start removing the kitchen cabinets and floor. The closet and bathroom doors will go as well. And Friday the kitchen cabinets, new refrigerator, and all the tiles (for both bathrooms and kitchen) will be delivered. As soon as the base cabinets are assembled (we are doing Ikea cabinets so everything has to be put together), the floor will be installed and the base cabinets so the counter template can be made next week. It takes at least two weeks for the counter to be cut to order, possibly longer since it will be done over the holidays, so that has to happen right away.
Things are moving more slowly upstairs with my current apartment. I live in a big co-op building and unfortunately our slow moving management company still hasn't finished the building's financial statements for 2016... as we near the end of 2017. Unbelievable. Understandably, the buyer's attorney wants to see those statements before his clients sign a contract. But it's now been close to three weeks since I verbally accepted their offer (on Thanksgiving Day) and I'm starting to get a little anxious. Luckily they agreed yesterday to put their deposit into escrow even before seeing the financials. And our building manager thinks the financial documents will be ready in a week or less. As soon as they review those documents, they will sign the contract and send it over to me. Once I sign it, they still have to get their financing in place and also do an application for the co-op board. Reviewing that application by the board can easily take a month and I assume they won't start until the financing is in place, though I'm not sure about that part. So the three month clock for all this hasn't even started yet. It's amazing that we can stay in my current apartment while the new one is being renovated but I'd rather not own two apartments for too long. Still, I'm mostly reassured that things are very likely to work out just fine.
Work is less promising. Supposedly "people" are pursuing funding to make up for our massive budget cuts from the state. That has to be figured out by the end of the year. I am still getting my paycheck -- I guess I should be grateful for that! -- but they haven't paid into our union pension fund in many years. Our funding right now is only for the year -- typically we get funding from the state in five year cycles. For some reason this cycle the state decided to take two thirds of our funding and give it to upstate New York to start new clinics there. While I applaud the expansion of school based clinics everywhere, stealing from Peter to pay Paul seems asinine. And so we limp along. Without any supplies so far, though supposedly they are coming... soon.
What is especially frustrating to me that some of our clinics -- mine and my colleague Anna's -- are very productive. We see a lot of patients. We diligently collect insurance information -- my assistant is constantly sending requests home for updated insurance informaton. We work HARD. And then our other two sites... One sees about 25% as many patients as I do. The other sees more patients... but only as first aid visits, none as billable visits. I think her feeling is that her patient families won't agree to share insurance information. I think this is bullshit. I think some of her families don't want to and so she shrugs and gives up without explaining that this is not a free program -- we rely on reimbursement from insurance companies in order to fund a program that provides health care, free of charge (to patients) for all children, regardless of insurance and immigration status.
Needless to say, this is infuriating. And we aren't, it seems, allowed to talk about it. And my colleagues are just accepted as is. They won't lay them off because they feel, it seems, it's not their faults. Again, bullshit. I work hard because I choose to. They could make the same choice. They could petition the school and the PTA to help educate parents about why they need insurance cards from families. But it's work. And it's easier not to do work.
Oh, and my vaccine refrigerator keeps malfunctioning. Despite being brand new. And each time I lose thousands of dollars in vaccines. That our program will be billed for. (My colleague who only does first aid visits hasn't given a single vaccine in YEARS. I give hundreds each year. But zero at the moment... despite a list of children who don't receive mandatory vaccines immediately.)
So I'm walking around with low level anxiety all the time. It never leaves me lately. I thought explaining all that might make me feel better. Unloading it.
And then there's our current political climate which just feels unbearable.
It's enough to make a person wonder if she has an anxiety disorder.
Things are about to start happening quickly with the new apartment. The contractor came by last night to pick up keys and a check. Tomorrow, Wednesday, he and the demolition guy will start removing the kitchen cabinets and floor. The closet and bathroom doors will go as well. And Friday the kitchen cabinets, new refrigerator, and all the tiles (for both bathrooms and kitchen) will be delivered. As soon as the base cabinets are assembled (we are doing Ikea cabinets so everything has to be put together), the floor will be installed and the base cabinets so the counter template can be made next week. It takes at least two weeks for the counter to be cut to order, possibly longer since it will be done over the holidays, so that has to happen right away.
Things are moving more slowly upstairs with my current apartment. I live in a big co-op building and unfortunately our slow moving management company still hasn't finished the building's financial statements for 2016... as we near the end of 2017. Unbelievable. Understandably, the buyer's attorney wants to see those statements before his clients sign a contract. But it's now been close to three weeks since I verbally accepted their offer (on Thanksgiving Day) and I'm starting to get a little anxious. Luckily they agreed yesterday to put their deposit into escrow even before seeing the financials. And our building manager thinks the financial documents will be ready in a week or less. As soon as they review those documents, they will sign the contract and send it over to me. Once I sign it, they still have to get their financing in place and also do an application for the co-op board. Reviewing that application by the board can easily take a month and I assume they won't start until the financing is in place, though I'm not sure about that part. So the three month clock for all this hasn't even started yet. It's amazing that we can stay in my current apartment while the new one is being renovated but I'd rather not own two apartments for too long. Still, I'm mostly reassured that things are very likely to work out just fine.
Work is less promising. Supposedly "people" are pursuing funding to make up for our massive budget cuts from the state. That has to be figured out by the end of the year. I am still getting my paycheck -- I guess I should be grateful for that! -- but they haven't paid into our union pension fund in many years. Our funding right now is only for the year -- typically we get funding from the state in five year cycles. For some reason this cycle the state decided to take two thirds of our funding and give it to upstate New York to start new clinics there. While I applaud the expansion of school based clinics everywhere, stealing from Peter to pay Paul seems asinine. And so we limp along. Without any supplies so far, though supposedly they are coming... soon.
What is especially frustrating to me that some of our clinics -- mine and my colleague Anna's -- are very productive. We see a lot of patients. We diligently collect insurance information -- my assistant is constantly sending requests home for updated insurance informaton. We work HARD. And then our other two sites... One sees about 25% as many patients as I do. The other sees more patients... but only as first aid visits, none as billable visits. I think her feeling is that her patient families won't agree to share insurance information. I think this is bullshit. I think some of her families don't want to and so she shrugs and gives up without explaining that this is not a free program -- we rely on reimbursement from insurance companies in order to fund a program that provides health care, free of charge (to patients) for all children, regardless of insurance and immigration status.
Needless to say, this is infuriating. And we aren't, it seems, allowed to talk about it. And my colleagues are just accepted as is. They won't lay them off because they feel, it seems, it's not their faults. Again, bullshit. I work hard because I choose to. They could make the same choice. They could petition the school and the PTA to help educate parents about why they need insurance cards from families. But it's work. And it's easier not to do work.
Oh, and my vaccine refrigerator keeps malfunctioning. Despite being brand new. And each time I lose thousands of dollars in vaccines. That our program will be billed for. (My colleague who only does first aid visits hasn't given a single vaccine in YEARS. I give hundreds each year. But zero at the moment... despite a list of children who don't receive mandatory vaccines immediately.)
So I'm walking around with low level anxiety all the time. It never leaves me lately. I thought explaining all that might make me feel better. Unloading it.
And then there's our current political climate which just feels unbearable.
It's enough to make a person wonder if she has an anxiety disorder.
Tuesday, December 5, 2017
Friday, December 1, 2017
Real Estate Update
I had my first open house the Sunday before Thanksgiving and the sign in sheet was completely full. I was (am) very lucky because since my broker was also the seller of an apartment in our building, she sent all interested folks from her apartment (there were quite a few disappointed buyers when she accepted my offer) over to see mine.
I was also very lucky that my seller, Alex, also my broker for selling my place let me store things in her, soon to be my, apartment two floors down. That helped enormously with staging. I moved as many things as I could and my apartment now looks very spartan and neat. I also had my super paint the entrance hallways and the kitchen and dining area and the fresh coat of white paint made everything feel shiny and clean.
I actually had several offers within the first few days, despite it being the week of Thanksgiving. Again, amazing luck, and again, almost certainly due to the fact that they had been circling around Alex's apartment for several weeks (she didn't get her first offers nearly as quickly). I accepted an offer on Thanksgiving Day and we are all working on the contract now. Hopefully that will be finished in the next few days and then we will close 2-3 months after that.
Meanwhile the closing for my new apartment is scheduled for next Wednesday. Very exciting, very quick. Luckily I already live in the building so I don't have to go in front of the co-op board; the preparations for that can be quite time consuming.
I've been busily interviewing contractors and researching kitchen designs online and have made lots and lots of decisions. I have hired an amazing architect/builder team (well, the architect is amazing... I haven't met the builder yet) and they start a week after I close on my new place.
After multiple rave reviews about the Ikea kitchens from contractors and architects, I decided to commit to Ikea. I used their kitchen planning service and got refunded the cost of the service when I bought the kitchen. It was so exciting to design and plan my own kitchen! A fantasy I never let myself entertain before. Since the cabinets were inexpensive, I splurged a bit on a gorgeous quartz countertop that looks a lot like marble but will hopefully be more durable.
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Counter top (white quartz composite with few faint threads of grey)
and backsplash (a sort of mother of pearl blue) |
Last night I went back to this amazing tile store a contractor recommended and finalized my selections for the kitchen and master bath floors (faux wood porcelain tile with cork underneath to warm and soften it) and the kids bath (a pretty blue square tile) and the master bath shower floor -- a gorgeous multicolor pebble floor. The master bath will have a faux marble quartz tile on the walls and the kids have white brick tiles with a fun blue grey "pennies" accent.
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Faux wood tiles for kitchen and master bath.
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white tile walls with accent "pennies" border. There will be white grout around them
so it will look much brighter when it's installed.
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| The blue square is the kids' bathroom floor next to the accent pennies. (The faux wood behind them was the other option for the kids' floor but I decided the blue was a bit more "playful" for kids.) |
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| Master bath shower floor. How fun is this?
I had so much fun picking it out, though the freedom was a bit terrifying at times. These are choices that I and possibly future tenants will live with for years to come! What if I make a mistake?
Meeting with all these contractors and running all these errands and cost me quite a bit in babysitting funds but things are mostly done and should quiet down for a while... although of course paying the contractors will be a big event. But I'm trying to remember that this is a smart financial investment as well as an investment in our happiness.
Hopefully we will move downstairs in two months or less!
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Friday, November 10, 2017
Exhiliarating, Exciting, Anxious, Demoralizing Weeks
First, the great and exciting news: it looks like I am purchasing a three bedroom apartment, two floors down from me. As much as I don't like the way the building is run, it's home. And I love my apartment. And my neighbors, especially the fact that one of my best friends lives one floor down from me (one floor up once we move). We are not just good friends but also important sources of logistical support to each other since she is an SMC too. Our girls are like cousins and adore each other.
It's a strange thing, buying a new apartment. I'm beyond thrilled to have an additional bedroom. But I love my current apartment and the new one isn't as nice... yet. My current place was redone in the few years before I moved in, and it looks nice. The kitchen is shiny and bright (though the veneer is starting to peel off the cabinets in a couple of hidden areas) and the bathrooms are relatively current. I'm also on the top floor of my building and have a relatively large terrace (which I never use because I'm too paranoid about the kids falling, even though piratically speaking, it seems extremely safe).
The new apartment overall looks a lot like my current one in terms of overall look, but it's two floors down so a little bit darker. And it's crowded with an excess of furniture (even with the seller attempting to pare way back for staging). And the kitchen looks ancient and so do the bathrooms.
But. I am going to be able to make over the kitchen and bathrooms to my specifications. Something I never dared fantasize about, but now that I have the unexpected opportunity... wow. My sister and brother have both built new kitchens and bathrooms in the last couple of years and I would have drooled with envy over both of them if I had let my head "go there." But I didn't dare, and made the best of life in my comfortable if slightly cluttered and crowded space.
But the thought that I could have the kitchen of my dreams, at least, if my dream kitchen was a galley kitchen... wow. I'm very very excited.
But also overwhelmed and intimidated. My friend Talia is an architect and very generously came over and measured some things and also shared a recommendation for a contractor she likes, Larry. I talked to him once and he was lovely but now he won't return my calls. He did deign to return one text, when I asked what his window of availability will be to work with me. Which was nice? Should I be grateful? I know that contractors are notoriously hard to work with but if we haven't even started to work together and he's already not returning my calls... that feels ominous. Not sure what to do about that. I did reach out to the neigborhood listserves and get some recommendations... but of course they aren't from professionals like my friend. And I have a friend who is a handywoman that is coming over to look at things... not sure if it's too big of a job for her. Or if she can handle it, staying with her mom in NJ most of the time.
The one time I did get to talk to Larry, he was great. Which is part of why this is so confusing. But he told me that he wants all the materials ready before he starts, so he doesn't have to waste any time. Any supplies he has to purchase adds 10% to the cost. Fair enough. But cabinets can take a while to get made, depending on where I get them made. Both he and Talia recommended Ikea so I am going there tonight... luxuriously alone. I'll get dinner and hopefully spend time with a kitchen planner. I've already done a bunch of research so I have pamphlets of info and tons of ideas and even my laptop, in case they get show me how to use their kitchen planning tool on my own computer.
So I am very much hoping I might be able to get everything lined up for placing an order... but then possibly wait until Black Friday to pull the trigger on purchasing it. Talia recommended their appliances (apparently made by Whirlpool, who knew?) too so it could be a big purchase.
Then I have to figure out flooring... there's crappy plastic fake wood squares in the kitchen, and real wood planks in the rest of the house. And I want an extra deep bathtub for the girls' bathroom, and a frameless glass shower for my bathroom... and what do I know about ordering these things???
Talia gave me some good recommendations for some of these things but I wish I had a little hand holding from someone knowledgeable and patient.
In the past two weeks I also put 10% of the purchase price on the new place into escrow, signed the contract, and signed paperwork to list my current home. Then I also massively decluttered my apartment and moved all the excess into the downstairs apartment. The super painted the hallway, kitchen, and dining area. I need to pluck some picture hooks out of the hallway, clean off my desk and hall table, and make sure every last toy is put away and then I am ready for professional photos of my (current) apartment to be taken, hopefully early next week. Open house will be the following Sunday. Right before Thanksgiving. Not ideal timing for negotiating the best prices, holiday season, but my broker (did I mention she's also the seller of the place I am buying???) says she has a lot of folks interested because they wanted her three bedroom but didn't get it, thanks to me. So hopefully that goes well and quickly. But not so quickly that I can't get most if not all the work done on the new place!
Is anyone still reading? This sounds insane, right? Advice???
So I've been going a million miles a minute and worked all weekend on preparing my apartment for photos and open houses with adrenaline just flooding my system. Every morning I woke up in a shit panic and leapt out of bed with a new fear but with unlimited energy to attack it. And now I'm coming down off of that mania. I'm still anxious, though a bit less, but feeling incredibly spent.
I'm not doing that well with intuitive eating the last few days. I don't think my body agrees with the introduction of white flour and in particular, toasted sesame bagels with butter. But they are so good! But I'm really not enjoying my pants feeling tighter, either. Fairly discouraging. I know i am not eating consciously all of the time, though, because I've been so stressed and then I want to unplug with food. So I can't say the method isn't working, because I know I'm eating less when I eat consciously. But I can't say I was losing even when I was eating consciously at every meal. So I don't know what to do about that.
It's a strange thing, buying a new apartment. I'm beyond thrilled to have an additional bedroom. But I love my current apartment and the new one isn't as nice... yet. My current place was redone in the few years before I moved in, and it looks nice. The kitchen is shiny and bright (though the veneer is starting to peel off the cabinets in a couple of hidden areas) and the bathrooms are relatively current. I'm also on the top floor of my building and have a relatively large terrace (which I never use because I'm too paranoid about the kids falling, even though piratically speaking, it seems extremely safe).
The new apartment overall looks a lot like my current one in terms of overall look, but it's two floors down so a little bit darker. And it's crowded with an excess of furniture (even with the seller attempting to pare way back for staging). And the kitchen looks ancient and so do the bathrooms.
But. I am going to be able to make over the kitchen and bathrooms to my specifications. Something I never dared fantasize about, but now that I have the unexpected opportunity... wow. My sister and brother have both built new kitchens and bathrooms in the last couple of years and I would have drooled with envy over both of them if I had let my head "go there." But I didn't dare, and made the best of life in my comfortable if slightly cluttered and crowded space.
But the thought that I could have the kitchen of my dreams, at least, if my dream kitchen was a galley kitchen... wow. I'm very very excited.
But also overwhelmed and intimidated. My friend Talia is an architect and very generously came over and measured some things and also shared a recommendation for a contractor she likes, Larry. I talked to him once and he was lovely but now he won't return my calls. He did deign to return one text, when I asked what his window of availability will be to work with me. Which was nice? Should I be grateful? I know that contractors are notoriously hard to work with but if we haven't even started to work together and he's already not returning my calls... that feels ominous. Not sure what to do about that. I did reach out to the neigborhood listserves and get some recommendations... but of course they aren't from professionals like my friend. And I have a friend who is a handywoman that is coming over to look at things... not sure if it's too big of a job for her. Or if she can handle it, staying with her mom in NJ most of the time.
The one time I did get to talk to Larry, he was great. Which is part of why this is so confusing. But he told me that he wants all the materials ready before he starts, so he doesn't have to waste any time. Any supplies he has to purchase adds 10% to the cost. Fair enough. But cabinets can take a while to get made, depending on where I get them made. Both he and Talia recommended Ikea so I am going there tonight... luxuriously alone. I'll get dinner and hopefully spend time with a kitchen planner. I've already done a bunch of research so I have pamphlets of info and tons of ideas and even my laptop, in case they get show me how to use their kitchen planning tool on my own computer.
So I am very much hoping I might be able to get everything lined up for placing an order... but then possibly wait until Black Friday to pull the trigger on purchasing it. Talia recommended their appliances (apparently made by Whirlpool, who knew?) too so it could be a big purchase.
Then I have to figure out flooring... there's crappy plastic fake wood squares in the kitchen, and real wood planks in the rest of the house. And I want an extra deep bathtub for the girls' bathroom, and a frameless glass shower for my bathroom... and what do I know about ordering these things???
Talia gave me some good recommendations for some of these things but I wish I had a little hand holding from someone knowledgeable and patient.
In the past two weeks I also put 10% of the purchase price on the new place into escrow, signed the contract, and signed paperwork to list my current home. Then I also massively decluttered my apartment and moved all the excess into the downstairs apartment. The super painted the hallway, kitchen, and dining area. I need to pluck some picture hooks out of the hallway, clean off my desk and hall table, and make sure every last toy is put away and then I am ready for professional photos of my (current) apartment to be taken, hopefully early next week. Open house will be the following Sunday. Right before Thanksgiving. Not ideal timing for negotiating the best prices, holiday season, but my broker (did I mention she's also the seller of the place I am buying???) says she has a lot of folks interested because they wanted her three bedroom but didn't get it, thanks to me. So hopefully that goes well and quickly. But not so quickly that I can't get most if not all the work done on the new place!
Is anyone still reading? This sounds insane, right? Advice???
So I've been going a million miles a minute and worked all weekend on preparing my apartment for photos and open houses with adrenaline just flooding my system. Every morning I woke up in a shit panic and leapt out of bed with a new fear but with unlimited energy to attack it. And now I'm coming down off of that mania. I'm still anxious, though a bit less, but feeling incredibly spent.
I'm not doing that well with intuitive eating the last few days. I don't think my body agrees with the introduction of white flour and in particular, toasted sesame bagels with butter. But they are so good! But I'm really not enjoying my pants feeling tighter, either. Fairly discouraging. I know i am not eating consciously all of the time, though, because I've been so stressed and then I want to unplug with food. So I can't say the method isn't working, because I know I'm eating less when I eat consciously. But I can't say I was losing even when I was eating consciously at every meal. So I don't know what to do about that.
Fall Photo Shoot 2017, Brooklyn Botanic Garden
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| Those chubby little hands slay me. |
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| That fierce look of adoration on Amelie's face! |
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| the light on her hair, the joyful laugh. |
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| she's so elegant in her tattered tutu and hand me down tutu. not sure how she possibly came from me. |
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| mischievous twinkle in her eye. |
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| Amazing how her camera can capture those droplets of water. |
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| Amelie is so much more affectionate (and willing to receive affection) than a few months ago. I'm very grateful. |
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| I'm in awe of their bond. May it last forever. |
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