Keto Update Ten: Some Success and Some "Other-Than-Successes"

Well, I was feeling like I was on a roll this week. My fasts were gradually getting longer. I was getting to about twenty-two hours each day and feeling good and not hungry (until I was ready to break the fast). It also felt like my appetite was dropping. I was getting hungrier earlier in the day and then, amazingly, not feeling tempted to snack at night! I had to push through several uncomfortable evenings to get there and then suddenly, Wednesday and Thursday night, the urge was gone. I didn't see any lasting changes on the scale and resolved to hide them away. But I felt really good.

And then yesterday I ate twice, early. Bacon both times. I was really craving it and it felt delicious but I only ate five slices between two meals plus some spinach. I felt really full and kind of gross after the second meal and decided to see if I could fast for more than twenty-four hours. Before, when I've tried to fast that long, I have hit a huge mental block with the idea of going more than twenty-four hours. That is apparently just too scary to my tiny little brain. But I realized yesterday that if I started fasting at 1 pm I could eat the next day and also fast more than twenty-four hours. Win!

After my workout I was still feeling gross so I dragged the girls on foot to a friend's house (as opposed to taking a taxit) to walk it off. C had been invited to spend the night there so I figured Amelie and I would hang out for a few minutes and then head home. But then they invited us to stay for dinner... turned out they were having a dinner party. I told them I wasn't hungry and that I was doing keto but it turned out they were making a cauliflower-crust pizza which is totally keto-friendly and they served it to me and... I ate it anyway, even though I wasn't hungry. And then I kept eating. And then I came home and ate loads of tortilla chips. Healthy artisinal grain chips but still. Loaded with carbs.

I'm trying not to beat myself up. I'm focused on my successes because I know that's the only way to get back up again and climb back up on that proverbial horse. But it's hard. And then I ate too much lunch, partly because I was really hungry and partly because I was eating with distractions. Because I feel emotionally off right now. Anxious.

So my successes today are:

1. I fasted 14:30.
2. I drank black coffee this morning.
3. I ate bacon and spinach for lunch which are good for getting me back into ketosis.
4. I did a whole bunch of blogging to hopefully get out of the emotional funk.
5. I'm about to work out. And will probably feel a lot better afterwards.
   

I didn't make a list of what I did wrong. Presumably, no one needs to read that.

Hopefully, my workout will get back on the path. Headed upstairs now to do it before Amelie wakes up.

January 2019 Abby

Did I mention I have a sitter and go out every Saturday night? Some of my favorite pals.

These two gals are also great. One in her marketed-to-parents-of-boys clothing and the other
in her ballerina gear. Never mind that she has no interest in dance class. 

So my update on me. I'm... struggling. Not exactly in a bad way. It's just a challenge. But I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life.

I have a part-time job working for an online company in the states where I answer health-related questions from new and expectant parents. I was expecting to work about twenty hours a week and thought that would be perfect, both financially and time-wise. (I also have rental income from my apartment in the states plus American wages go a lot further in Mexico.) But the work has been very, very slow in coming. And the questions are posted to a sort of bulletin board, and the first employee to see the question grabs it and answers it. So I only get work if I am sitting at my computer, waiting for it. And right now a good pay period is 2.5 hours of work, total. I feel so relieved when there is work but sitting around waiting for it is kind of depressing.

I just started volunteering at the clinic at CASA (Centro de Adolescentes de San Miguel de Allende) two weeks ago. That has been really magical so far. I've seen two brand new families, did a newborn exam, observed an ultrasound where a third family learned the sex of the fetus, witnessed the insertion of an IUD, participated in the prenatal visit of a fifteen-year-old who was pregnant with both a baby AND an IUD (very rare). I'm mostly shadowing two obstetric nurses but the midwives working there often invite me to join visits with families and several folks have offered to call me for deliveries. I haven't gotten any calls yet but I am excited to observe some births staffed by Mexican midwives!

Next month I start a four-month training program to become a pediatric sleep consultant. I am hoping to start an online, remote business providing sleep coaching for American parents, since American customers can afford much higher prices than Mexican ones. Though I'll probably offer to folks living in San Miguel, as well. But won't market myself heavily here?

I had been working on trying to build Amazon affiliate websites here to try to supplement my income but found myself spending a lot of energy avoiding the work. I finally decided that this is just not a good use of my energy. I have to follow my passions.

Monday and Wednesday mornings I go to a Piloxing class which I love -- it's a great workout -- but the social vibe there is very strange and unnerving to me. It feels rather cliquey which makes me anxious. Another friend pointed out to me that I could just decide to not go and this was revelatory to me! It had never occurred to me. I'm going to buy another card of ten classes, I think, and see how it feels. If it's still feeling bad for my self-esteem, I'll just stop. My fitness is not worth my sanity. I hate that I have social anxiety but in my forties, I've also learned to accept myself, faults and all, and not fight them so hard.

Thursday morning I have tutoring in Spanish for an hour and Friday mornings I usually have coffee with a group of English-speaking moms from my kids' school. Since the school is outside of town and my kids take the van to school, I appreciate this connection to the community plus the fact that it is in my language since when I go to school, everything is in Spanish. I love the Spanish immersion for my children but I feel a bit awkward in adult conversation when I so often can't follow what is being said. That, too, makes me a bit anxious. So I've mostly stopped going to the weekly Tuesday morning presentations to parents. They never seem particularly useful and asking folks for rides home afterward feels so uncomfortable.

I'm also -- being honest -- spending a lot of time avoiding dealing with medical bills because I am intimidated by them. Everything feels so complicated and things like making calls to the United States is so intimidating. So often the calls don't go through and I don't know why because I don't understand the automated messages from the Spanish-speaking phone company. But a call that I make at 10 am might not work at 10:30 and that is baffling and infuriating. I have one giant bill from Calliope's ER visit ($3600) in the States plus several other medical bills from that trip and they are so daunting. The insurance company says I need, in addition to the medical report, a statement from the physican and I can't figure out what that statement is supposed to say and how on earth I can get it. Especially from the ER physician. But $3600 is so much money! So I am stalling on that. And I don't even have a bill yet from the hospital, just a letter offering me financial aid in paying it and requesting lots of financial documents.

I'm also procrastinating on doing my taxes. Though to be fair, I haven't received all my tax documents and probably won't get the tax document from my co-op building until March, which is very annoying. But I'm going to have an enormous tax bill this year because of selling some stock. Trying to remember that this money is because of profit I made. I wish I could have handed the money over then, while I was still working, instead of now. I know it's going to freak me out to write that check.

So apart from dealing with those two things, I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I could try to be some sort of "health coach" to expat families here, since my NP license won't be recognized here. I don't love the idea of working solo so I'm planning to pitch a Dr friend here on working together.

I could also try to get a job at CASA. Right now the Director has indicated she would prefer to offer a job to a Mexican instead of me because funds are limited. But I think I could find a way to make myself indispensable and possibly bring in expat clientele who could afford to pay more. I also would love to pitch her on starting a pediatric practice at CASA as right now they only see newborns until they are 28 days old. Again, I would prefer not to work solo but I think my friend might be interested in collaborating on this. On the other hand, I would need to commit to working certain days and hours and would probably be limited in my ability to travel, for example, over the summer. On the other hand, Mexicans don't tend to work long hours like Americans do and it's quite possible, I believe, to maintain a family-friendly schedule. On the other hand, I'd be paid in pesos which is a lot less lucrative than American wages.

And I am hoping to start my business as a sleep coach. But I know nothing about the ins and outs of running a business. I think that I would enjoy elements of that because I come from a family of entrepreneurs. And I love the idea of being able to control my schedule and all the materials that I use. I think I would find the work satisfying and hopefully, financially rewarding as well. But not right off the bat. That could easily take six months or more.

That's all the overwhelming details and scenarios I can think of for now. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it! I'm not rereading this or editing it because just reading it sounds overwhelming. So my apologies for any mistakes!

Lunch counter at the indoor San Juan de Dios Market

New Year's Eve dinner (observed) with some of our favorite friends. 

Attempting to make icing for gingerbread houses with a milk frother and a whisk since we don't have a mixer in Mexico.

Our gang of neighborhood pals.

December 2018

It's almost the end of January. Calliope is at a sleepover at her friend's house still and Amelie is happily watching Trolls. We are finally settled back into our regular routine here. It felt a long time in coming. December felt like a very challenging month after Calliope's autoimmune issues in November and into December -- she was waking up with stomach aches and nausea every morning, and was understandably (now, with perspective) was whiny and miserable a lot as a result. We only had two or three weeks of school after our trip to the States before the December break.

But we had a wonderful December break. We spent the first week in Mahahual which is on the Yucatan coast close to the border of Belize. Friends that we met here in SMA had moved there for three weeks. We rented a house three doors down from them (for $32 a night!) in the residential area of town and rented bikes so we could pedal to the boardwalk every day. It had been very cold here at night so it was wonderful to be warm again.

Unfortunately... we came in contact with a stomach bug at some point during our travels. Amelie got it first, followed by Calliope the next day, then me, and then our friends vomiting started the final day of our stay. It was pretty miserable and I felt even worse to get them sick. On the plus side, it was great that it was spaced out enough that I wasn't sick at the same time as the kids? We didn't have internet access at the house but the kids were amazingly mellow and cooperative when I was sick and my friend came over and brought dinner for the kids when I couldn't manage.

I think they were probably glad to be rid of us by the time we left! But they were amazingly gracious about the whole thing. Let's just say the dad bicycled lots of loads of laundry back and forth to the laudromat. And now I know to ask ahead of time if a house has spare sheets in the house -- ours did not and this was far from ideal.

From Mahahual we took a bus up the coast to Playa del Carmen. We spent one night there in a beautiful boutique hotel a friend had recommended. The pool was gorgeous in an inner courtyard but freezing cold because the sun never touched it. But the beach was an easy two blocks away.

I so rarely travel alone with my children and am always shocked to discover that I actually do enjoy it. It's not exactly relaxing but at the same time, it makes me appreciate my cozy little group and feel oddly self-sufficient.

We tried and failed to take a local bus from Playa -- waited 2.5 hours and it never came -- so we hopped in a cab and traveled 30 minutes to our all-inclusive in Puerto Morelos, near Cancun. We met up with my brother and his family there. I think I'm not a giant fan of all-inclusives but in this case, it was very convenient and easy. The five kids had a blast running around, alternating between beach and pool, dancing, scampering, digging, splashing. I hope that this trip really bonded them. The adults got along well and I, at least, never fought with anyone.

After our trip we came back to more than a week of down time before school started again. That was pretty heavenly. Very relaxing and lots of social time with friends. I've resolved not to let social anxiety plague me. So many nice people here. If one person triggers me, just move on to the next one! After biking on the boardwalk in Mahahual, Calliope is also successfully riding the new (bigger) bike she received for Hanukkah and Amelie is scooting along on her little bike without pedals.

And now the kids are settled back in school. I was worried Calliope would be anxious to return but she's actually been pretty happy. Amelie was only clingy for a day. They are both sleeping more than they used to, perhaps because they both got bad colds as soon as we got back -- Calliope ended up missing three days of school.

As for me and what I'm doing, apart from keto... that'll be the next post.

Hanukkah party at our house -- last minute and small but fun 

Visiting the x-mas tree in Centro with our friends

Calliope's class (with teacher Yolanda)

Another class photo

The jardin, decorated for x-mas

The gorgeous view from dinner 

Dinner with SMC Jackie

A pop-up skating rink in Mexico? Calliope was THRILLED.

Calliope was thrilled to cavort with Kiara again

Singing to the sunset

Beach in Mahahual

Beach running

Mahahual as darkness falls

Playa del Carmen at night

Family fun in Playa del Carmen

All inclusive in Puerto Morelos

Sister love

Amelie adores cousin Ezra

The whole family

Our family

Five cousins

Keto Update Nine: Small Successes

I'm thrilled to report that I feel like I am back on track after my tough week last week. Yay!

I do think, in hindsight, that I pushed too hard with the fasting. It may work for some folks but it didn't work for me.

So this week I set a goal to fast sixteen hours a day and limit my eating to eight hours a day. I'm thrilled to report that I met and sometimes exceeded that goal! And after a few days, it got much, much easier. As long as I have my coffee with cream (which some says breaks the fast but others do not) in the morning and some slighly salty water to sip on, I'm good until at least noon every day again. Phew!

On Friday, two days ago, I was feeling so good that I decided to extend my fast to nearly twenty-four hours. No problem! I felt great and my ketones were up to 1.6 by lunchtime. The only drawback was I definitely ate a large dinner afterward... but since it was making up for a whole day's worth of calories, I felt okay if not ideal about it. I definitely ate more than my body needed, though -- there was some mouth hunger at play. Something to work on next time. And my ketones were up to 1.3 the following day and remain there today, yay!

Yesterday I was more hungry and cranky so I stopped my fast after sixteen hours and had a nice big brunch (at home) of eggs, keto mug bread, mushrooms and spinach tossed with cream cheese. Delicious! Dinner was steak with green beans and creamed spinach with decaf with cream for "dessert."

My struggle now is at night and after meals, generally. I feel snacky. Today I had two small squares of 100% cacao chocolate and two small squares of 90% cacao chocolate. And then I set my fasting timer to start timing again so that hopefully I won't be tempted to eat again until dinner.

The sources I have been reading and listening to stress the importance of not snacking between meals so as to allow the liver to quickly process any carbohydrates and begin burning fat again. This also allows insulin levels to drop down.

I listened to the most amazing podcast by a bariatric surgeon who is also an expert on the ketogenic diet and intermittent fasting. He says that "every snack is an emotional event." He says human beings are only designed to eat once or twice a day and that breakfast is an event marketed by Kellogg's to sell cornflakes in the 1890s. He aruges that carbohydrates are actually not a food because they are not required for survival -- human beings are able to survive without them. In fact, we are the only species (of course) who eats them. When we feed grain to cows, we fatten them up and make them sick. When we feed grains to ducks, we give them fatty liver disease.

Anonymous, thanks for posting and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate the caring that went into them. (I wish I knew your name, though!) I know that this all probably sounds crazy and plenty like disordered eating. Perhaps my pushing too fast and my struggling were disordered. Probably. But I do fully believe in the science of ketosis and intermittent fasting. It's a hard transition to make but often times, my body feels so amazing. And I'm the lowest weight I've been in... golly. Twelve years? I'm about seven pounds from my goal. My energy levels are really good, especially now that I am being more consistent with exercise. My mood is mostly really good. No more post-meal lethargy. Best of all, I feel in control of my destiny.

November 2018 and January 2018

I am planning to join a moderated level one fasting group this week. (Level one is for beginners so much easier than the last time I tried the moderated fasts.) Today was day one with fasting eight hours followed by six hours of eating. I had lunch at 1 pm so I'll have dinner at about 5 to finish by six. Tomorrow I will fast twenty-four hours, which sounds tough but really is just skipping breakfast and lunch; I'll eat dinner tomorrow, as usual, and then do another 18:6 on Tuesday, 24 on Wednesday, 18:6 on Thursday and then, the big challenge, a 36 on Friday. I'll be nervous for that because of how it messed with me so much last time to do a longer fast... but I'll be cautious. If I start to feel crazy again, I'll stop. But I think this week of 18s and 24s will build my "fasting muscle" and my confidence and so I am cautiously optimistic. If it goes well, I'll do another week of beginner level fasting and then reassess how I am feeling.

I decided to track yesterday, just out of curiosity. It ended up being a really big eating day, as you can see, because I was really hungry, so I exceeded my macros. (I'm hoping my period is coming -- keto has thrown it off -- and that may be making me more hungry.) But you can see I eat a wide variety of foods with lots of fresh vegetables (and fat and protein). I try to honor my hunger at every meal and never stop eating if I am still hungry. My favorite keto experts say not to worry about calories and to eat to fullness at every meal (and then stop eating). So I'm doing that, I think, and feeling good. Plus I am working out and so I assume that impacts my appetite plus it helps my mood so much.

I am doing the first group, Fasting Challenge #1.

Keto Update Number Eight: Still Struggling

Guys. I'm really having trouble sticking to this. I don't know what the problem is. I'm still trying to be gentle with myself and not beat myself up but I also think my tummy is growing back a little and I am scared of losing all the ground I've gained.

Taking a step back and trying to look at this as if I were talking to a friend... maybe I am still pushing too hard with the fasting? I don't understand where my fasting muscle went! It was so easy over the Christmas break. I felt so fantastic.

I'm still really enjoying the food. That's not the issue. But waiting to eat feels really, really hard sometimes.

Yesterday I fasted 16:30, until lunch. We got up early and I had coffee (I don't count the cream in my coffee as breaking my fast) and then went to Queretaro for the day with friends. We went to Costco first and I had a great time finding all sorts of delicious foods to buy. (I am not at all convinced that going to Costco saves any money! It's not like i would've bought that many raspberries, for example, at the grocery store.) I was totally fine for hunger until the check out line. At that point I started to feel a little irritable from hunger but I knew it wouldn't be much longer.

We drove to the mall -- a quick drive -- and then went straight to a restaurant. At that point, I felt ravenous, but that is often the way -- the final few minutes of waiting for food are the hardest. I had eggs benedict (but with salmon instead of ham) and scraped off nearly all the biscuit -- couldn't resist a few bites, so delicious! (I have a weakness for biscuits. English muffins I could care less about.) Plus I ate all the tomato that came with it. I was still hungry after that so I ordered a side of bacon. I didn't really need to eat all of that but I was so distracted (?stressed) by my friend's son's meltdown that I ate it all. After that, we did a few very quick stops at various stores before heading home.

We got home from the mall and I put away all our purchases and I was suddenly exhausted. And starving. In hindsight, I think I was very dehydrated -- I had barely drunk any water all day because I had been drinking coffee (first caffeinated, then decaf). Being dehydrated can make a person feel hungry anyway plus it spikes insulin which also increases appetite. But I was so tired and so hungry I couldn't think straight.

So I made a big plate of carnitas and cabbage and roasted cauliflower. And had a couple of sugar free chocolates (thanks Costco!) to follow it up. I was overly stuffed afterwards but glad I stuck to keto. At that point I was so full I thought it would be easy to fast from then (5 pm) until the next day, hopefully even noon, eighteen hours. I did this the other day and it felt great.

But then only a couple of hours later, I started thinking about the leftover sour cream and onion Pringles in the cabinet. A big weakness of mine. They've been there at least a couple weeks already so mostly I've been fine but... not last night. I did, at least, try drinking a bunch of water first. But I still ate them. On the plus side, I did NOT eat more carbs after that, well, apart from a couple more sugar-free chocolates. Even though digestive biscuits sounded extremely delicious.

This morning I've had a whole lot of coffee, both bullet-proof (has MCT oil and butter instead of cream) and regular with cream. I had a few pistachio nuts too, which isn't ideal in terms of breaking my fast but isn't terrible, either. I did get a pretty good night's sleep. I've been feeling really tired which undoubtedly plays a role in things, too. It's always harder for me to eat well (and appropriate quantities) when I am tired. I'm not sure if more exercise would help or hinder. Last week I did a lot fewer workouts than usual though I did walk a fair amount. I worked out Saturday and it felt hard AND I was exhausted afterwards.

Oh man. I feel like I need a coach to tell me what to do but I really don't want to spend the money on that! I've signed up for a free twelve week program from the Intensive Dietary Management group and I am hoping that will help. And maybe someday all my struggles here will help someone else?

Keto Update Seven: Falling Off the Wagon, and Getting Back Up Again

Well. So trying to ramp up my fasting so quickly turned out to be a disaster.

I managed to get through my forty-eight hour fast and gorged myself -- not sure if this is expected and permissible or not -- and then embarked on my twenty-four hour fast... and just ran out of steam. I was completely miserable. I missed eating. All this fasting meant very few eating opportunities. I even missed cooking vegetables!

So I stopped at 22:30 and ate a big keto-friendly meal. And then added in some (slightly stale) potato chips. Though I'd like to ?brag that I didn't come close to finishing them. And added in two digestive biscuits for good measure. Both are foods I miss when I'm keto'ing... though I don't remember to miss them most of the time. But fasting is a good time to think back on the foods I've loved over the years.

The next morning my ketones were down to 1.0, which actually seemed pretty great, considering. And the next day they were up to 1.2 after better eating, though today they were mysteriously down to 0.9, despite eating pretty well yesterday. I'm guessing the artificial sweetener in the sugar free Jello mix I sprinkled on my heavy whipping cream was the culprit?

I'm trying to be a lot more gentle with myself, and backtrack a lot in fasting. I was doing really well with 16-22 hour fasts over the vacation when I got too big for my britches and inspired by the Obesity Code folks on FB. So the last two days I only fasted 12-14 hours overnight. Last night I was really hungry so I ate early with the girls and mentally closed the kitchen by 6 pm which ended up being really great because it was relatively easy to fast until noon today... eighteen hours!

I had a nice brunch, perhaps followed by a little too much dark chocolate and almonds but oh well. Progress, not perfection. I feel like I need to handle myself with kid gloves for a few more days. Anything that isn't cookies and chips is a win!

My goal is to fast 16-18 hours a day for the next few days until it feels really good and easy ?again. (Did it feel easy before? I think so but it's hard to remember!) When I get there, I'll start trying to stretch out my fast every other day to get it to twenty-four hours or so on alternate days. And once that is easy, I'll very gently try to stretch that to thirty-six or even forty-two hours. And then that's it! The IDM Network says 3 x 36 or 42 per week is ideal for losing weight. So there's no reason to go to forty-eight hours.

Getting to twenty-four hours hasn't been too bad in the past but the mental hurdle of going a whole day without a meal (with a twenty-four there's one meal a day) is significant. I think I need to be very, very careful with this or I trigger obsessive thinking and then binge in response. Not good. So I am trying to remember not to rush. And my main goal is just to remain in ketosis. If I can at least do that, I'm doing great!

I have decided to stay off the scale because it doesn't do anything good for my sanity. If I'm focusing on ketosis and intermittent fasting as a way life, as opposed to a diet, the daily ups and downs of the scale simply don't matter. (Right?) I can tell that my skin is softer and smoother from doing keto. And my pants are too big. Whether they are too big since last month or last week, it doesn't really matter, right? I'll keep measuring my ketones every day to make sure I am keeping them in check and otherwise, TRY to relax. Not easy for me!

Keto Update Six, Part Two: Forty-Eight Hour Fast Update

I'm thirty-eight hours into my my first forty-eight hour (and moderated) fast!

I'm feeling pretty great right now. Especially when I am successfully distracted from thinking about it.

But I'm not going to lie, last night was really, really tough. I felt miserable and hungry. I'm not sure if I was miserably hungry or just hungry and miserable from the mental aspect of fasting.

I tried drinking more water with apple cider vinegar and salt. I tried drinking bone broth. I finally resorted to a mouthful of heavy cream. I figured I would try that, put the kids to bed, and then come back to the kitchen and break my fast.

But to my amazement, by the time the girls were in bed, the misery had mostly passed! I couldn't believe it.

So I bypassed the kitchen which was already clean from the girls' dinner -- they fight over who gets to the dishes lately -- and settled into the couch to relax and hopefully distract myself. Within an hour I was starting to doze off.

Unfortunately, I didn't sleep all that soundly, which can happen because of increased adrenaline during a fast. But that same adrenaline is making me not feel tired now, and is actually making me feel pretty great.

I had one little bout of diarrhea which surprised me because I didn't think there was any food left in my gut. But unlike my earlier fasts, no headaches. My energy is good. My mood is good.

And the two kilograms that I had gained yesterday after my cheat meal... gone today! Phew! My ketones are only up to 1.6 this morning from 1.4 yesterday afternoon which is certainly high enough for fat burning but I would normally expect to see them above two by now after fasting so long. But this is payback for my cheat. Oh well.

I am hoping that I can lose two more kg by the end of the week (which includes a twenty-four hour fast and then another forty-eigh hour fast) to bring me back to my new low that I landed at very briefly last week, just once. If I can acheive that -- and stay at it -- then I would be only 3 kg from my goal weight!

But of course the final pounds are the hardest, and of course there is some rebound weight gain after ending a fast. I'm not too obsessed with the numbers, I think, I'd just like to see some progress in the right direction. I've been stuck at this weight for a couple weeks now.