I just got off the phone with my brother (who can be great sometimes... which makes our occasional conflicts all the more hurtful, but that's for another day) and he helped me clarify things. I know how quickly the anxiety creeps back into my restless mind so I'm going to write it all down and see if I can save it for the next anxious day.
He asked me what idea brings me joy. Mexico. Without a doubt. Mexico and getting to watch my girls grow up. Slowing down. Watching the proverbial ants in the sidewalk. Seeing my girls speak fluently in Spanish.
I think about how (some) older people say that the happiest time in their lives was when their children were small... but they didn't realize it back then. I don't mean to romanticize small children. Certainly there is plenty of drudgery and potty accidents and spilled milk and temper tantrums. But also. My heart has never been so full. My miracles!
My brother was asking me about the jobs I'm currently interviewing for. He asked me if I was excited about them. I laughed ruefully. Not so much. It's more of the same work I'm doing now, but starting over in a new community. One that almost certainly won't match the one I'm in now... where I'm already bored of the work. I stay because Calliope is in the building, and I love getting to know her teachers and her classmates and being a part of something amazing. This school is truly exceptional.
But moving to a new school, with a more limited population (high school only or middle and high school) and having to build all new relationships and figuring out how to get Calliope to one school and me to another... not exciting. It sounds tiring. Like trying to mentally and physically hang on for the next school vacation.
The interview yesterday went well. But I didn't love the medical director. She might or might not be my collaborating physician at my theoretical new job with them. But I've adored my thee consecutive medical directors I've had the pleasure of working with at my current job. And what a difference it makes. My previous job, which was the same place I interviewed at, I did not love my collaborating physician and it was hard. Of course I was a new provider back then so needed more support back then than I do now. Still, I'm a person that likes to collaborate with my colleagues. If I have an intimidating or unpleasant collaborating physician, I'm unlikely to do that.
My plan had been to try and get as far along in the interviewing process and then introduce the idea of taking time off when I get an offer, or close to it.
But my brother pointed out that maybe that plan is creating a lot of undue stress. Why interview now for jobs I don't want? Why not plan on Mexico and see how I feel? He and I can both imagine a big possibility that time in Mexico might lead to as yet unimagined possibilities. Either here or there. Maybe I need space to dream.
Why not do the thing that brings me joy? I haven't had trouble getting interviews so far and I've barely spent any time looking. (I recognize that this is an enormous blessing, as it hasn't always been that way, and I'm enormously grateful for that.) Why not plan for an entire year in Mexico? I can always come back if I hate it. Of course I'll have to figure out how to sublet my apartment and a million other details. But one rarely regrets the opportunities she's taken. Usually regrets are for the things left undone.
Like becoming an SMC -- the best thing I've ever done -- maybe it's time to take the leap.
|Our best friends and nanny-shares for almost five years now. Our Brooklyn family. Will be very hard to leave them.|
|Wonderful kind school friends|
|Who wouldn't want more time with this?|