|Dancing together at a birthday party. My heart is full. So lucky.|
I've been feeling off my game. Again. I think I blogged about a few weeks ago also.
What's weird is that home life and the girls is GREAT. I've never been in such a great place about having two. I was kind of worried about the whole 12-18 month, mobile but totally senseless phase, but so far, I am absolutely loving Amelie at this age. I can't get enough of her. I sit and watch her with a huge grin. It's my new favorite hobby. She's just too delicious.
And Calliope is great, too. I don't know if it's her getting more sleep or that four and a half is just a great age but wow, it's wonderful. I ask her to do something and she mostly says, "okay, Mommy." And then often actually remembers to do it. When she doesn't, it's rare enough that it does make me enraged, I just remind her again. We have great little conversations. She is full of ideas and hypotheses about the world. It's a constant reminder that the world is fresh and new. Like, I told her we are going to Disney World next month. And she asked curiously, "Do they speak English there?"
This morning's conversation on the way to school: "Is it cozy when you are dead? Do you wear clothes when you die?"
And then, "Mommy, your voice sounds funny."
"Oh, did it sound funny? I had a little phlegm in it. Did I sound froggy?'
"No, not froggy. FOGGY. You can't sound froggy. You can sound FOGGY. Foggy fog. That's how you sound." My little expert witness.
She just started attending After School instead of coming to my office after PreK gets out -- well, she's been exactly once -- and I thought she might cry about it, but instead, she was thrilled and didn't want to leave. And so I get back an extra forty minutes of my day at work!
Home is good. Just very, very busy. It's rare during the day that I sit down when I'm not also doing something else, whether it's feeding the baby or ordering groceries. Otherwise, I feel like i'm constantly stooping down and picking something up to put it away. Constant.
But the big thing is work. It's just relentless lately. And I continue to be scared for the future of my program. I'll be bereft if I can't be in the same building with Calliope. It just simplifies my life to an incredible degree, even though it's hard and I miss my solo commute (and the ability to do errands after work).
The pace at work is driving me crazy. I feel like I don't have time to breathe. With stopping pumping last week -- sniff -- and Calliope going to After School, I hope that it feels a little less insane.
But with my girls being so delicious lately, I just wish I could retire for a bit. Temporarily. And just be home with them. The time goes so fast. And I spend so much of my time with them... not with them. Cleaning up or cooking or working out or checking things off my list.
But I don't see myself being a stay at home parent. Reality interferes.
So I'm trying to find thing to help me reset a bit. Also because, who knows, maybe it's not work that's the problem. Though I'm positive it's not helping.
So here's what I've come up with:
- Take a break from watching shows. I am not much of a TV watcher, but lately have been watching a show a night on my computer. And oh, how I long for that escape. But I know over a period of many years that that delicious escape tends to be followed by a period of depression. So I'm testing it out and taking a week off from watching to see if I feel happier.
- By skipping the show, I hope I feel and heed my fatigue earlier, and go to bed earlier. I don't feel sleepy during the day, but sleep deprivation can certainly interfere with mood.
- Also with more time from not watching a show, spend 30-60 minutes a night, for now, working on getting caught up on things. Since I just got my re-credentialing packet, due in a month, that will probably be thirty minutes a night on continuing education classes (online) and hopefully another thirty minutes working on photo books -- I want to make one for Amelie's first year, and also a book for her about her conception. Photo books are so intimidating but I'm hoping that if I do a little bit at a time, it won't be so overwhelming.
- My friend Scott came over for dinner tonight. I'm hoping we can continue to see each other once a month or so -- he's my old non-kid friend for the time being -- and go out to shows, too. I can't commit a lot of energy to outside interests, but a show now and then isn't too much of a commitment. Apart from missing sleep by being out late. That's an issue.
What do you do when you are feeling depleted and only have time for your kids? All suggestions welcome!