It actually helps to "talk" about it with others. Makes me feel calmer.
I just made some rough calculations, based on my bank account statements, and looking at average bills. After subtracting housing costs, childcare costs, electricity, cleaning lady, a pittance towards my retirement, cell phone, Metrocard... and realized that leaves me with $225 to live on each week.
That doesn't include groceries, diapers, doctor and medication co-pays, toiletries or clothing. Or any of the other random costs that invariably crop up -- malpractice insurance premiums, or gifts (and nanny bonuses, ouch!), and haircuts, and the occasional toy for my darling child.
Of course, I get a break in the summer, both in using a lot less childcare plus also, at least this summer (and hopefully next), making some extra money. And the truth is that I have some savings. It's just that I am burning through them at a frightening rate. I can't afford to continue that. Especially if I want to have a second child.
Today I talked to my nanny-share partner, Amy, about using me for babysitting. I said that she should still use me for (free) childcare swapping, but in the times that she would ordinarily not use me, but would use a babysitter instead (for longer days, or late nights, or when she wants Eleanor to go to bed in her own bed instead of the Pack n Play over here), she should use me as a sitter. And to pay me at a lower rate than she would pay a normal babysitter, and just to apply it towards my nanny costs. And that I will bring Calliope to their apartment, along with the Pack n Play, and let her sleep at their place for the evening, and then transfer her back home once they return. I did it once before (and they've done it multiple times with Eleanor staying here) and it went surprisingly well. Luckily they live only an eight minute walk away.
I felt really awkward bringing this up, but I figure that's a win-win for both of us. And that I wouldn't feel weird if someone offered the same deal to me.
So I'm hoping that could bring me some much needed relief.