Birthday Resolutions (A Few Days Late)

I had a lot of plans for how I was going to become a better person and especially, a better mother, once I arrived in Mexico. And then we arrived here August 6th and I had no childcare and no plans for how to spend our days. It turned out that spending all day, every day with my two kids (with two very different sets of needs) wasn't ideal for revamping my life.

But now it's been about a month since the girls started school. I am thrilled (and relieved) that they seem to be happy... from the very, very limited amount they share. Amelie tells me basically nothing but skips off happily to the van pick-up point every day so I think she must be happy at school (or else she would be reluctant to leave me). Calliope tells me a little bit about the games she plays at recess. And that they have started knitting, which she loves.

So now I can focus on myself a bit more. As you know I am looking for paid work. That is going slowly. I'm getting a few minutes here or there from the new job. I have a lot of free time but it fills itself up surprisingly easily! I am loving having so much time alone. So far, anyway.

Here are some goals I am working on:

1. Meditating every day. I'm using an app called Calm. The meditation only lasts ten minutes but it's surprisingly hard to fit it in, probably because I wait until the last minute. Not because I don't like it, but just because I'm procrastinating on the computer. It is likewise surprsingly hard for my brain to focus on it. My head feels like a hyperactive puppy, hopping around all over the place.
   
2. Spanish practice every day. Mostly this is Duolingo, ten minutes a day. I just started private tutoring once a week at a local coffee shop with a fellow parent at the Waldorf school. It was fun but suprisingly (there's that word again!) exhausting. I have more sympathy for how tired my kids must be after school.
   
3. Exercise. I was exercising at home in Brooklyn, too, but now I am doing a Piloxing (Pilates plus boxing) twice a week. It kicks my butt but I feel SO great afterwards! And now that I am getting a very little bit better at the coordination aspect, it is really fun. The other women are much better at it than I am but I laugh a lot and don't care. My at-home workouts are at least never cut short as they were in NY, due to time constraints in the mornings before work.
   
4. Eating. I've been doing Intuitive Eating forever BUT I have a very bad habit of eating unconsciously at night. I don't eat a ton and I mostly eat healthy but still. I know that eating because I am tired or burned out is counterproductive. So starting on my birthday, October 4th, I have committed to not eating while reading or looking at a screen. It's not easy -- last night, especially, I dearly wanted to snack on Goldfish and read. But because I had made this committment -- and update a friend daily on my progress -- I consciously laid down my phone while I had a snack. I am hoping that as I continue to work on self care, and as the days go by without indulging my habit, it will get easier.
   
5. Sleep. I feel like this is the mother of all self care. Getting enough sleep is critical for just about everything. My doctor at home thought I might have gained weight due to stress and I know a lot of managing stress is just getting enough sleep. So I am aiming to sleep 8-9 hours a night. My kids wake up early, even on weekends, so that means going to bed early. Not easy but now that I am getting more time to myself during the day -- a lot more -- it's a bit easier.
   
6. Blogging. I am trying to blog at least five days a week. Still far short of goal but that's my hope. I feel really good when I write every day. The ideas are always jostling around in my head. I hate for them to die before I put them down on paper. I'd love to write more about the experience of moving to Mexico -- and even have lots of notes -- but today is never the day to catch up on that.
   
7. Parenting. I am trying very, very hard to remain calm and not yell. This is a continual work in progress for me. When my kids don't listen I tend to get very frustrated. And my father was very impatient and I know I have that tendency as a result. And Calliope has an incredible tendency to tune me out... even when she is looking right at me. Sometimes even when she has verbalized understanding. But in my logical brain, I know that she is not doing this on purpose. So I have to keep working on finding ways to engage her cooperation. And one of those ways is making sure we have plenty of quality time to strengthen our relationship. (And we already have a list of morning chores and evening chores in the bathroom, and she lays out her clothes for the next morning each night... but somehow this doesn't work as well as it did in Brooklyn.)

Off to meditate before I pick up Amelie from the van!

Job Possibilities and Anxieties

Not a very interesting post, I fear, but... I'm wracking my brain, trying to figure out job possibilities.

I wrote to the sleep institute yesterday and I still haven't heard back from them... of course, I am fearing the worst, that they didn't like my application and don't think that I would be a strong applicant. (The website says that they will only respond if they like your application, not if they don't.)

Logically, this doesn't seem very likely. Perhaps they have other things on their minds besides me?

Still, I am anxious to hear back. And even if I do get into their program, it doesn't start until February and then it's a four month program before I could begin to even consider working as a sleep consultant. Presumably it would take a while to market myself and start reaching clients?

The niche websites would likewise take quite a while to start earning money. At least six months. Assuming I can get one or more built successfully. The hardest part is coming up with good ideas for niche sites and that's not something that is just based on hard work -- I have to actually come up with a good idea or no matter how good the work, it won't make money.

Luckily I have some savings but still... this is all so nerve-wracking. I hate living on savings.

The good news is that the applicant for the apartment successfully submitted her application to the management company. And my broker things the application looks strong. That will be a big relief, having someone paying my rent and then some. I'm just praying her kids don't run in the apartment and cause drama with my extremely difficult neighbors.

I've gotten a tiny bit of work from the new job and I THINK that they are doing a big advertising push so hopefully the work will pick up but... not much so far. I don't know if I can ask what to expect...

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my 44th birthday! Happy birthday to me.

The best thing about today is that I am MOSTLY very very content with my life.

I'm so glad (most of the time) that I took the leap and moved us three to Mexico.

Yesterday Calliope told me, "you know, Mommy, school here is actually pretty fun."

This made my heart sing. I know the move hasn't always been easy on her so for her to be happy here means the world to me.

Really the only thing I'm not happy about is my income. But I am so thankful not to be working 8-4 in an office anymore. I thought I might miss being around people but no. Apparently, as I get older, I get more crotchety. Now I only want to be around people when I choose to. And I choose to pretty often -- I'd like to socialize nearly every day. But not all day, every day.

The good news is that I got everything sorted out just fine with the new part-time remote employer. Turns out there wasn't an issue at all. They were just busy with their own things. I wasn't at the top of their priority list. Go figure.

The bad news is at the moment, they don't actually have any work in the queue for me to do. I keep checking back but nada.

I'm hoping it will pick up as time goes by but for now, it's slow.

I also have an application submitted to the property management company for my apartment. A single mom who is getting a great deal from me on rent. Partly because she can move in soon (but also has a little flexibility to wait if the process takes longer than expected) and partly because she offered to split the broker's fee with me and partly because her kids are a little older than mine and I'm hoping that might help with my extremely difficult downstairs neighbors and partly because I feel an affinity with a single mom.

So that will help. But it's not enough.

So I am looking into trying to build niche websites again. I tried once before, a year ago, and the process was too frustrating. But back then I had very limited free time. Now I have a lot more. To the tune of eight hours a day. To be sure, there are other things I need to get done during those eight hours. But not enough to fill up all that time. I'm hoping that with all that free time, I could handle the frustration with all the trouble shooting and especially, finding the best topics. That was the hardest part for me. I think I might actually enjoy building the websites and writing the content.

And beyond that... I am seriously considering taking a four-month training course in becoming a child sleep consultant. I feel like it fits in beautifully with my background as a pediatric nurse practitioner. I'm fascinated by my sleep training and the challenges it holds. I had a great experience with sleep training my own children. The program I am looking at appears to be quite rigorous and evidence-based and isn't tailored towards one approach to sleep training. It teaches many different approaches so that the sleep trainer can find the best one for a particular family.

The only downside is the start up cost. It's $4000 to take the course. They say they help you build a website and teach you how to market yourself. Still, it's a big investment.

But I am really, really excited about the work and even the training. It sounds fascinating. I feel energized just thinking about it. And that seems like a great sign. I just need to make sure it makes good business sense.

Anxiety-Riddled Week

It seems so unfair to complain but... it's been a very hard week.
My apartment still hasn't rented. Someone (who I found via neighborhood listserve) absolutely loved it... but can't quite afford it. She told me her maximum price but offered to split the broker's fee with me.

Thursday night two more families loved it... one large extended family of non-English speakers who asked if they could change out my (brand new) tile and remodel and put up walls! Another family also liked it and could meet my asking price but has three kids, one of who is a young toddler. It shouldn't matter -- it's totally unfair -- but my downstairs neighbors are an absolute nightmare. They complained bitterly about any running in the apartment, and toddlers, well, they like to run. I should know. I have one. And they made my life hell this spring as a result, threatening to call the cops on my African American male babysitter and threatening to call ICE on my Spanish speaking nanny (who is, incidentally, an American citizen).

So I had to decide if I should go for the low bidding single mom (who has two active boys ages six and eight so not ideal for the neighbors, either) who offered to split the broker's fee and can move in anytime or the higher bidding single mom with three kids, one of whom is a young toddler and who is more anonymous in terms of her commitment to the apartment (could she get frustrated and give up during the extensive review process by the co-op board)?

And I'm desperate for the income. The apartment has sat empty for two months now and it will likely be another month before a new person could actually move in because of the aforementioned lengthy review process by the co-op board.

In the end, I went with the more committed person with fewer children, even though she can't pay as much. Her application isn't as strong as the woman with three children because this woman works freelance -- praying the co-op board isn't bothered by this!

We are waiting now for her application with two years of tax documents and three letters of reference. Praying the application looks good and the co-op board moves quickly (unlikely because they are all Orthodox Jews and this is holiday season for them) so she can move in ASAP -- she has offered to start paying rent the day the lease is signed.

My other stress sounds a bit nuttier. I got a brand new part-time remote job with an online company that provides advice to new parents. I would be one of their parent advisors. I had quite a bit of trouble with their "onboarding" process and spent a lot of time on it and needed some assistance. They told me to bill for the time spent onboarding. I told my new boss that I put down five hours even though I was sure I spent more time than that, but to let me know if that was too much.
She never responded.

The other person who works with my group contacted me a day later about my bio for the website. We went back and forth a few times and then I said it was perfect, thanks. And then, could you please send me my practice questions to work on so I can get to work? She said she'd send them later that day.

It's been five days now and zero contact. I'm afraid to follow up because I'm scared that the boss has decided I'm too high maintenance -- too many questions -- plus dishonest because I charged them for five hours of onboarding when clearly it shouldn't have taken that long. (It did take me that long, even longer, though possibly because I was so anxious about NOT screwing up that I did everything wrong.)

Feel free to tell me that's ridiculous!

I'm going to wait two more hours and then I will send a cheery follow-up email. Think good thoughts for me, please!