Isolation: Day Seventeen

Yesterday was hard. I don't know why. I just hit a wall.

I felt like all I did was usher small, resistant people from one activity to the next, interspersed with nearly constant bouts of cleaning and tidying.

A week and a half ago, we were isolating with another family -- seeing them out at parks and such, never inside -- and now they have up and moved to New Zealand. I've realized she was really my closest friend here. And her kids are my kids' ages. So it's a big loss.

And it feels like the rest of my friend community has evaporated somehow.

And I really, really want to be working right now. I would offer to work for free, except I've had the painful experience of working for free and seeing that people don't value free advice nearly as much as paid.

I am trying to find other ways to contribute but it all feels futile sometimes.

And then Sergio came over yesterday and the kids were thrilled... but then I felt a little neglected. Not so much by him but just, they use up all the oxygen in the room. So I want to find a way to balance that. They are actually pretty chill a lot of the time but when he arrives... they are wild for his attention. Loud and bouncy and totally annoying.

I am feeling a bit better today, thankfully. I've made a list of things that I want to work on this week. I don't know that any of them will benefit someone... but I hope so.

And S and I had an amazing talk last night about all our hopes and dreams... it was pretty magical. And made up for not getting to talk all day. We stayed up far too late but my brain was demanding some adult time, not matter how sleepy my body was.

Being Indispensable Versus Being Taken For Granted... from an SMC Perspective.

I'm not sure I'm really "supposed" to be sharing a conflicts here but since I'm pretty sure no one is reading -- my own fault for never posting -- so I'm breaking the rules.

Sergio, bless his tender heart, has offered that he wants to be "indispensable" to me.

But last week we had a big conflict, and one of the issues he raised is that he felt taken for granted.

And I don't want to place all the blame on him, because I can totally see where he was coming from.

But... I find this concept super confusing as an SMC.

In one of the examples he listed, he came over -- earlier than I expected, though he didn't remember that -- and I had just started working out. In the moment, I thought, "wow, how great is it that I am able to keep doing my workout and know that he understands how critical my workouts are to my sanity? And that I hadn't worked out earlier because I was trying to work while Amelie napped."

But it turns out that he was upset. Partly because he was already upset. And my not stopping my workout really bothered him because it was our last evening together for while. So he felt like he was being taken for granted.

And the reason he was upset before that? He had been planning to stay with us for two weeks when his mother arrived from Mexico City so that she didn't expose us to germs, and vice versa. But then I talked to Calliope about it that morning and she was not at all a fan of that plan. And I worried that her being against the idea, plus him being with us full time for two weeks -- plus the stress of, you know, a global pandemic -- was an awfully big storm for a new relationship to weather. And so I talked to a friend and then decided he shouldn't stay with us. Without consulting him.

He says he was fine with my reasoning but not fine with my deciding without consulting him. And, I think, his feelings were hurt. Although I tried my best to explain, I think what he heard was that I didn't want him with us. Some of that is due to cultural differences -- a Mexican would never imply that a guest should leave, no matter how long they stay -- and part of it is his own sensitivities.

So that sucked. And led to a giant, painful, ugly mess.

Luckily, we eventually recovered but it took a few days and it was painful. We have been talking a lot about the misunderstandings that are inevitable, and how to deal with them. It's not easy. Especially when both people are well established in life middle-aged (am I middle-aged if I'm 45 but have little kids? I feel like middle-aged people are empty-nesters and clearly I am far from that... but my chronological age suggests middle-agedness) and have our routines well established.

How much help are we supposed to accept? How much are we allowed to ask for? Is it taking someone for granted if we say please and thank you while accepting or asking for a lot of help?

This morning I (nervously) asked him if he could watch the kids outside in "our" abandoned parking lot so they could play while I started some laundry. Later, I asked him if that was taking him for granted. And he said no, actually, he felt honored and included to be trusted with them.

I'm so confused!

Later I asked him if he could explain the difference. How can I know when it is okay to ask for help and when is it taking him for granted?

And then he confused me even more by saying he thinks he was wrong to have accused me of that in the first place!

Being an SMC in a new partnership is very confusing. I'm very grateful for the experience but it feels scarily easy to make a misstep.

Love in the Time of Coronavirus

A few months ago, my therapist (started that a few months ago, too) suggested I consider opening my heart again.

It sounded like a terrible idea. Life as a single person who wasn't looking and was, in fact, pretty adamantly opposed to romantic connection sounded safe. I almost never get hurt when I am single. And I was just recovering from a bout of social anxiety and depression triggered by a supplement my naturopath had suggested. (I'm really not a naturopath person, but she's an excellent clinician and there's a huge lack of them in Mexico.)

But my ex-girlfriend from college was planning to visit. And she always provokes strong reactions in me. We had rekindled.... something... the previous spring when we had a torrid night together in Mexico City.

But the emotions she elicits confuse me, too. It's like trying to look directly at the sun. It's too intense. And we want such different things in life. She needs lots of time alone to write and paint and run, while I thrive on lots and lots of connection (though I need my downtime too). So I wasn't sure what to expect from her visit, and I was worried about feelings of grief when she left.

So Diana encouraged me to open my heart. To get on a dating app. Before Julia arrived. And I reluctantly agreed, because I trust Diana.

Julia's visit came and went. It was amazing to see her, and totally confusing too, in all the same ways. We decided not to have a physical relationship. It felt good to have those boundaries. Trusting my intuition -- that this relationship can't thrive as a romance -- and not listening to lust. After she left, I was very grateful about how things went.

And then I fell for someone totally inappropriate. Someone from our very small community here in Mexico. Someone who couldn't be more different than me -- Mexican, non-English speaking, working class and.... partnered.

I don't feel good about that. Didn't feel good about that.

I was caught off guard. And I know she knew what was going on. And acted as if she didn't mind. But it wasn't like we were openly communicating about it. And more to the point, it wasn't at all what I wanted.

So after two months, I ended it. With great sadness. For all that he was all wrong for me, it was a beautiful gift to feel love again after six years of being single. And he loved my kids. Which was a new and startlingly beautiful experience for me.

But I knew it was the only possible way.

After a month of grieving -- I was shocked by the depths of my sadness -- I started going on internet dates. I went on three dates. And then I met Sergio.

He said he knew in five minutes. I didn't. But he seemed nice, and I looked forward to going out again.

We met again a few days ago. Far from my home, after a scary experience in a car with another date.

I was nervous. When I spotted him, his face lit up with a smile. Mine too.

And my brain went completely empty. I had absolutely nothing to say. Nada.

Luckily, he didn't seem to notice. He was cheerfully chatty as he led me through the crowded streets of Centro to a romantic rooftop terrace restaurant.

He drew me out of my stupor with wonderfully romantic questions. I can't remember them now but I remember that I was charmed. We talked for hours. He was careful not to make any advances, trying to keep from scaring me. I finally took his hand and he stroked mine for ages.

After we finally left the restaurant, he led me on a romantic moonlit stroll to secret gardens scattered around Centro.

When it was time to go home to relieve the sitter, I refused his offer of a ride and hailed a cab. And drew him toward me for a kiss... what turned out to be the best first kiss of my life.

I want to share more of that story... but for now, nearly two months in, we are settling into a surprising partnership.

Despite my plans to wait six months to introduce him to my kids -- the best laid plans, eh? -- I only waited a few weeks. It seemed crazy to wait because what if the meeting was disastrous? Better to know sooner rather than later.

But it went better than I could have imagined. He fell in love with my kids and the feeling seemed mutual, at least with Amelie. Calliope is more cautious, as is her way, but is clearly relishing all the love and affection and especially, the roughhousing.

And now here we are, falling in love in the age of coronavirus. What an unexpected challenge for a new relationship. I am praying we can withstand the storm.