Friday, April 18, 2014


Calliope and I are home from my brother's wedding and our family seder. She was such a good sport throughout, but at least once each day, pleaded with me, "I want to go home."

And these last two days we've been back, she has taken to gazing at me affectionately and then scampering over to give me a hug. Today, for the first time ever, she snuggled against me and said, "I love you Mommy."

Be still my beating heart.

Unfortunately, my mother got some bad news today. Her cancer has come back, and has spread to the bones of her pelvis.

My siblings and I suspected the relapse, since my mother's energy dropped off dramatically last week, just in time for the wedding. She had to leave the wedding celebration during dinner because she wasn't feeling well --  she was spotted nodding off at the table.

I'm very, very sad for my mother, of course. She had hoped to work just a couple more years, and then to enjoy a long and well deserved retirement. She only went to law school when I was in middle school, and built a successful law practice when I started college.

But instead, she is looking ahead to mere months, not years.

There's still more treatment options to try, but they will be palliative, not curative.

So I'm sad. Sad for her.

I feel zen for myself. So far. I'm glad we had a few days to emotionally prepare for this likelihood.

The actual indignities of her dying are beyond my imagination for the time being. Dwelling in denial about that for as long as possible.

I'm also very worried about what this means for my relationships with my siblings. I had no idea, when my dad died, how destructive such a thing could be for a family.

So much more to say about so much of this but I will leave it at that for now. It's hard to write honestly. I have this fear that my family will somehow stumble upon this. For those of you who share openly. can you tell me how you got over that fear?



  1. So sorry to hear that the cancer has returned. It sounds like your mom has been so strong and brave through this all, it just doesn't seem fair.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about your mom's cancer returning. You and your family are in mu thoughts and prayers.

  3. I'm so very sorry to hear of your mom's relapse. I'll be thinking of your family often.

  4. I am so So sorry to hear about you mother. I don't know what to say about death - it seems to bring out the best and the worst in people.

  5. So sorry to hear the news about your mum. Much love to you all.

  6. Ooooooh, Abby. I'm so sorry to hear this news about your mom.

    I don't share openly on my blog, I mean, I do give enough details and share pictures that IF my family were to stumble upon they'd know who they were - and likely be mighty pissed off (esp my brother). But I'm pretty much just living in denial that that'll ever actually happen. And if it does, I'll deal with it then. Only my sister even knows I have a blog, and I'm pretty sure she's not looking for it. I also haven't mentioned it in a long time, so maybe she forgot?!

    Anyway... I hope your mother's time from here on out will be as painless and dignified as possible, and I hope you, Calliope, and your siblings are able to create some more wonderful memories with her before her passing.

    Thinking of you.

    "Happy" Passover.

  7. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. After my recent loss experience, I worry for you & the toll this will take on you & your family. I am sorry you'll have to go through this.