Friday

Calliope and I are home from my brother's wedding and our family seder. She was such a good sport throughout, but at least once each day, pleaded with me, "I want to go home."

And these last two days we've been back, she has taken to gazing at me affectionately and then scampering over to give me a hug. Today, for the first time ever, she snuggled against me and said, "I love you Mommy."

Be still my beating heart.

Unfortunately, my mother got some bad news today. Her cancer has come back, and has spread to the bones of her pelvis.

My siblings and I suspected the relapse, since my mother's energy dropped off dramatically last week, just in time for the wedding. She had to leave the wedding celebration during dinner because she wasn't feeling well --  she was spotted nodding off at the table.

I'm very, very sad for my mother, of course. She had hoped to work just a couple more years, and then to enjoy a long and well deserved retirement. She only went to law school when I was in middle school, and built a successful law practice when I started college.

But instead, she is looking ahead to mere months, not years.

There's still more treatment options to try, but they will be palliative, not curative.

So I'm sad. Sad for her.

I feel zen for myself. So far. I'm glad we had a few days to emotionally prepare for this likelihood.

The actual indignities of her dying are beyond my imagination for the time being. Dwelling in denial about that for as long as possible.

I'm also very worried about what this means for my relationships with my siblings. I had no idea, when my dad died, how destructive such a thing could be for a family.

So much more to say about so much of this but I will leave it at that for now. It's hard to write honestly. I have this fear that my family will somehow stumble upon this. For those of you who share openly. can you tell me how you got over that fear?

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