Friday, April 1, 2016

Update on the Crazy

I feel like I am slowly clawing my way out of a crazy little journey into something, I guess anxiety. That threatened to spiral into depression.

I didn't share this in my last post but a few weeks ago, I started working with a holistic health counselor. And she recommended I try a detox diet. I could still eat as much as I needed to, but just limited to a very few foods for a week, and then I would add back a new food every to days. The theory being that then I could see what, if any foods, were affecting me. Mainly my blood sugar and my energy levels, but also maybe preventing weight loss.

Well, the detox made me feel like crap. I was so hungry all the time. I was supposed to have these delicious detox shakes that made me feel great, only I needed three (at 400 calories each!) to get me through until lunch time instead of the one that was suggested. And a vegetarian lunch of grains and tons of greens made me feel shaky. I quickly added animal protein back to my lunches but those highly caloric shakes did a number on me. And I gained several pounds (I think -- I haven't weighed myself but I have a definite paunch that wasn't there before). And so that was super frustrating, but I also felt deeply ashamed.

And shame has not been found to contribute to mental health, you know?

And so I gave in to the cravings and had tons of sugar this week and last night, I was okay having only one twizzler. Tonight I had more than one -- three, I think, of the fat braided kind -- but that's still less than I had a few days ago. And I feel like I'm slowly, day by day, getting my center back. Although not, I think, losing the paunch. Valuing my sanity over my belly.

Work has also been a little less crazy so I have had time to work on things, work things, unfortunately, but I'm still less stressed as a result. Having to do continuing education courses every night for a month doesn't help, though. I've taken the last two nights off. I just couldn't deal.

Not watching TV may be the reason I am feeling better... but I took a break from my hiatus (is that even a thing?) and watched a lot tonight. I'm excusing it since it's the weekend.

And if I can just brag for a minute -- I'm proud of my Calliope. A friend offered to take Calliope with them to the playground after school while I finished up in my office (she's done 35 minutes before me). And she joyfully said yes -- and just this is new as of a month or two ago -- and raced off with them. And then I found her playing happily, clustered with three of her classmates under playground equipment, having a conversation about godknowswhat but looking entirely like little school girls, gossiping, and not preschoolers. And she was right there with them, acting more or less like the rest of them. And she was wearing a favorite dress today that she hadn't worn in a while, and her spindly legs were sticking so far out -- my girl suddenly looks like a kindergartner today, and not the PreK-er she actually is. She is growing up, my baby.


  1. Do go easy on yourself. I think sanity over paunch is a good rule of thumb (and a pretty good blog title, too). I feel like I had hormonal swings for years after Carys was born and breastfeeding, which I'm sure affects mood. Being a SMC for not days, weeks, or months but years on end with no break is just utterly exhausting. I think the solution is to not work full-time. But few of us can swing that. So I'm not sure what the solution is, other than a moving target. Last year my doc nailed my diagnosis after I cried in his office for a half hour: "fatigue." Yes. This is tough stuff!

  2. You know I'm right there with you, too.

    Interesting your response to the detox diet - at least you now know that's definitely not for you. It's so hard to do any diet when you're exhausted and feeling bad, but one that leaves you feeling ravenous is just impossible.