Keto Update Two

It's been four weeks since I re-started my Keto experiment.

The bad news was that I could never get my ketones high again after our Hanukkah weekend with my couple of slip-ups. I was technically still in ketosis but hovering between 0.9-1.2 where I had been 2.2-2.5 the previous week. Frustrating! Moreover, I just wasn't feeling satisfied after eating. I was trying to eat tons of green vegetables with plenty of fat plus as much meat as I felt like I needed and it just felt like something wasn't clicking.

Then last week we left home in San Miguel to travel to Mahahual, Mexico, a tiny town on the Yucatan peninsula near the border with Belize. I knew food options would be limited in Mahahual so I brought some serrano ham (doesn't need to be refrigerated until opened) and cream cheese along for the travel and was amazed that I didn't eat anything sugary or carby along the way. Usually I have zero discipline on plane flights. This was an amazing first for me!

We arrived and I was able to get turkey and tuna and mayonnaise (the kind made with bad fats but oh well) and eggs of course so that was a relief. Plus tomatoes and achayote (a yummy green vegatable that tastes like brocoli stem). We were having a great time visiting our friends there until we all got hit by the stomach bug. One at a time, on successive days, which was lucky in that I could focus on the sick one, one at a time, but it meant we didn't get out much. The last day, our friends started to get it. Ugh. Getting other people sick is the worst!

Anyway, the day I got sick, my last meal was at about 10:30 am. I didn't want any food the rest of the day because I felt so miserably wretched. The next morning I felt much better, just weak and a bit wobbly, but I decided that since I had already gone 24 hours, why not keep on fasting and see how I felt? According to my book on fasting, it actually gets easier after the second or third day. I didn't have a goal in mind and I figured I could just see how I felt. And that it might be good to give my stomach a change to further recover anyway.

I ended up fasting 57 hours! I couldn't believe it! I would have NEVER said I could do that! But according to Dr Fung, as one's body learns to burn fat (ketone bodies) instead of glucose, we actually get very good at it. I did get some headaches, which is apparently typical for those new to fasting, and will eventually wear off. But otherwise my energy felt great and I never felt nauseous or any other symptoms of low blood sugar. I only decided to eat at that point because food just sounded so good. My ketones as of the that morning (I broke my fast at dinner time) were 3.6! I had never gotten above 2.5 before and that had been a couple weeks prior and more recently had been stuck around 1. I had a half a protein granola bar that night after dinner.

The next day (ketones again 3.6 despite breaking my fast and especially, having the half granola bar) I was thinking I might do a 16 hour fast -- that is, have coffee (with cream, which technically is breaking the fast but is a low enough number of calories and pure fat so shouldn't spike insulin much) and then eat lunch. But at lunchtime, I just didn't feel that hungry. So I waited for dinner! The only challenge was that I had trouble feeling full at dinner without eating carbs. I had two generous servings of brocoli with melted butter poured over it, salad with cheese and vinagrette and peanuts, grilled squid, grilled fish, spare ribs and finally some cheese to try and fill up (we have since moved to an all inclusive resort near Cancun so we were eating at a buffet -- I didn't have large portions of any of these). I never felt completely satisfied but it was good enough. Until I got back to the room and felt hungry again. I ended up eating some almonds and one of the kids protein granola bars. Not ideal but I just needed something.

This morning I woke up feeling good. I was curious what effect the granola bar would have on things. My ketones had dropped to 2.6 but that is still moderate ketosis and quite good. I had coffee with plenty of cream plus a few bacon crumbles from Amelie's plate. And again just didn't feel like eating lunch! I can't believe it! I want to measure my ketones again before dinner. I've never checked them in the afternoon before so I'm not sure what to expect.

I don't have a scale here -- hoping I can sneak over to the gym at some point without the kids to see  if they have one -- but I feel like I'm losing. So exciting! I've never had ANY diet work before. And fasting in some ways is so easy. I LOVE not having to think about my food choices. I just don't eat. Nothing to prepare, nothing to clean up, nothing to debate. It's awesome!

Keto Update One

It's been two weeks since I've started my keto experiment.

The good news is that I got into ketosis, as defined by my ketone meter, pretty quickly. And it seems like I've dropped a few pounds, which is pretty amazing for me who usually can't lose any weight due to PCOS... except I dropped about five pounds from my move to Mexico and trying to get enough sleep and eat consciously... which is a lot easier when I am not flat-out exhausted from the craziness of work plus single parenting in NYC.

The bad news... it's not really bad, but this doesn't feel quite has effortless as many people make it out to be. I do feel hungry and unsatisfied some of the time. My hope is that this will pass as my body gets more accustomed to burning fat instead of glucose for energy. And I must admit it's definitely not as hard as I thought it would be. When I tried Atkins years ago, I NEVER felt satisfied. I do feel satisfied now, it just wears off more quickly than I would like.

Unfortunately, I had two slip-ups this past weekend, one as a result of eating too much meat and not enough vegetables at a restaurant meal (they didn't offer enough veg so I compensated by eating too much meat) and then having cravings for crackers which I succumbed to. Sunday we had a Hanukkah party and I really was fine not eating any latkes but then it felt weird as the host to not even taste the food I was cooking and serving. So then one bite turned into three latkes as they were divine.

I was also feeling some social anxiety this weekend about whether or not to go to a benefit concert for the kids' school -- I ultimately decided to skip it -- and having a low turnout for our Hanukkah party. The anti-anxiety effects of keto can't come soon enough! Luckily or not, it's hormonally related and not constant during the second half of the month. So I feel better now but I can't credit keto for that.

Anyway, I'm feeling very grateful because it doesn't seem like these two slip-ups caused any weight gain which is a first for me in my long career of dieting.

So overall I am feeling good but I'm looking forward to feeling a bit more satisfied with this WOE. It's not terrible now, but it could be improved.

I used up the last of my lancets today. Ketones were 1.2 and fasting blood sugar was 85. So I'm in ketosis but not as high as last week when my ketones were up to 2.5. I'm guessing that's because of my weekend indiscretions. Hopefully my Amazon package with more lancets and test strips will arrive soon! It's definitely very reassuring to see when I am in ketosis. Much better than weighing myself.

Learning Spanish

A big reason I chose to move us to Mexico was for all of us to become fluent in Spanish. It's been interesting to observe how the change is taking place.

Both girls are immersed in Spanish all day at school. Only art class is taught in Engligh (by an American). And Calliope generally chooses to play with English speaking friends at recess (all in the grade above hers, so she doesn't see them at other times, except her after school circus class). It's interesting to me that all these other children are fluent in Spanish as well as Engligh and prior to this year, generally played in Spanish, not English. I'm not sure what caused the change. And while I know Calliope would learn faster if she was only speaking Spanish, I'm also glad for her that she can relax and play with confidence, without worrying about her language skills.

Amelie was with a bilingual nanny in Brooklyn until she was nearly three and a half (not including summers), so in many ways, she had a huge advantage. I don't think she spoke much Spanish with Susie but I believe she understood what Susie was saying.

Both girls went to a Spanish immersion daycamp for two weeks this summer and last summer but I don't think they really learned much. A few words here and there but that was it.

Amelie also has a big advantage in naturally being fearless. She has the confidence to just dive in, without fear of looking stupid. She's also youngest, with the most "plastic" brain (plastic in the sense of ability to change and grown new neuronal synapses). Her class is also entirely in Spanish -- I think she is the only child who wasn't already fluent in Spanish and many of the children don't speak English. And of course, the "work" of preschool -- which is techinically called kindergarten at their school -- is pretty simple. There's no academics. They have stories and songs and playing and mealtime (the children take turns helping to prepare the food and set the table). Lots of concrete activities that get repeated every single day. Ideal for solidfying one's grasp of a new language.

Calliope is more cautious. More risk averse. And also more dreamy and less imitative than Amelie, by nature. And she's in first grade (Waldorf has grades a year behind -- you have to be eight to be in second grade so she is repeating first grade since she was just barely seven at the start of  first grade) where the work is a bit more challenging. First grade in Waldorf schools focuses on fairy tales, a favorite of Calliope's but certainly challenging in a new language. Luckily her teacher translates for Calliope as needed (she is also the only non-fluent Spanish speaker in the class). But they are also learning the letters and number in Spanish, things she knows well in English already, so this is really helpful. So she is learning more slowly than Amelie but is progressing. The Waldorf approach is MUCH more relaxed than what we experienced in the States and C's teacher is not concerned, and so neither am I. Even better, her teacher shared with me that when Calliope volunteers a word in Spanish during class, all the other children cheer for her! This makes my heart sing.

As for me... well, I had six years of Spanish in middle and high school (plus one terrible semester of college Spanish). But of course, that was a long ago. But I was lucky to have had a teacher who made us speak nothing but Spanish for the last two years. I didn't like her very much at the time but I am so grateful now! However much I've forgotten -- no doubt a lot! -- I've retained a lot, too. And little phrases and verbs bubble up into my consciousness now and then which is entertaining.

I'm also working with a fellow parent from the school, a trained teacher, as my Spanish tutor once a week. It's surprisingly fatiguing -- I'm sympathetic, now, to how tired my girls were the first few weeks of school! -- but I do think it's helping a bit. Slowly. No doubt if I did more it would help more but for whatever reason, I'm not terribly motivated. But last night I went to a parent meeting for Amelie's class and was completely shocked to find that I could understand almost everything that was said! That was a first. A lovely surprise.

My Keto Experiment

Inspired by... I'm not sure what... multiple references to it on the comments section of a blog I follow, Runs for Cookies (a blog by a woman who has lost 125 pounds and kept it off for multiple years, despite mental health issues), I read a book called the Obesity Code by Jason Fung. He argues, compellingly, that most diseases of modern times are due to our diet. Our bodies are not adapted to the massive amounts of carbohydrates we eat. Every time we eat, our insulin spikes. These frequent spikes cause inflammation throughout the body causing obesity, diabetes, cancer, PCOS, hypertension and Alzheimer's Disease, which he calls Type Three Diabetes (I didn't know that Alzheimer's is much more common in folks with diabetes). He advocates a very low carbohydrate diet and often, intermittent fasting.

For the most part, I feel pretty healthy. But I do have PCOS, though it's luckily under good control by taking Metformin twice a day. Without it, I would be heavier and have irregular cycles and acne. I started taking it when I was TTCing for Calliope and never stopped. My hemoglobin A1C, a measure of blood sugar over three months, was prediabetic a few years ago but is normal now. I have no idea why it got better. I get very anxious at times, especially around my period. It was terrible last month when I was so stressed about finding someone to rent my Brooklyn apartment -- thankfully it rented at last. I also get anxious sometimes about my longevity as an SMC -- I need to be around for a very long time for these girls of mine. And if I could drop a few pounds -- I've been about 20 pounds over my ideal weight since I developed symptoms of PCOS in my early thirties (from taking birth control pills, though the medical literature would tell you that's impossible) -- that would be amazing. Interestingly, I think I've lost a few already as a result of living a much lower stress lifestyle and getting more sleep since moving to Mexico. My doctor always told me that stress (cortisol) can cause weight gain, especially around the stomach, and my experience definitely supports that!

On the other hand, I have a lot of negative baggage around dieting. I had sworn to an intuitive eating way of life. I find that when I create rules for food for myself, I tend to immediately rebel. I do better when I listen to my body.

So I am wading into this experiment with caution. I lost weight by getting sick from the air pollution in Mexico City and couldn't eat for a few days so that muddied the waters a bit. Was I feeling queasy from my developing bronchitis or from trying to eat Keto? Hard to say. I did two weeks on and then took ten days off for our trip to the US -- too hard to maintain a strict diet way of eating (WOE) while staying with family (who believe in the high carb, low fat diet that has been thrust upon us by the American government for more than fifty years, with all the evidence in the world stating that it's unhealthy). And now I'm back to Mexico and feeling better.

So today is day three (round two). I just tried out my new blood sugar and ketone monitor and my blood sugar is 83 and my ketones were 1.3. Which means, I think, that I am in low grade ketosis. Since it's only day three and it's supposed to take 4-5 days to get into ketosis, I'm very pleased. When I am ketosis, my body is burning ketones from fat instead of glucose. Right now I am adding a lot of fat to my diet to fill myself up as I get used to a low carb diet but the hope is that over time, I will need to eat less fat and will burn energy from the fat in my body stores instead.

Time will tell!

If things go well, I will post before and after photos. For now, I feel pretty good. I started to feel a little wonky yesterday afternoon so I drank some electrolyte replacement solution in water and that helped. Apparently dehydration is common with ketosis.

I've been fasting 12-16 hours over night (from 9 pm until anywhere between 11 am and 2 pm), depending on how I feel. It's pretty cool. I get hungry but I also feel weirdly good -- very focused and calm and energetic. By fasting, I'm allowing my insulin levels to get even lower. The lower the insulin levels, the less inflammation there is, over time. Then I have two meals, a few hours apart, with no snacking in between. It pretty much goes against everything I had ever read but his book made a ton of sense to me.

Anyone else read his book or doing Keto or intermittent fasting? I'd love to hear from you!

Thanksgiving Week

The girls and I traveled to the greater DC area for Thanksgiving week. I was really looking forward to it, and wondering if it would feel strange.

Both girls were sick starting the Monday before. Amelie had a fever for a day and then bounced back and just had the typical toddler runny nose and junky cough. Calliope's symptoms were strange, though. She didn't seem very sick in terms of congestion but would wake up each night, crying in pain. She stayed home on Tuesday since Amelie was home due to the fever, but seemed perfectly fine... until the Motrin wore off. I didn't think much of it. She's always been a drama queen very sensitive to pain.

We took a taxi and then a bus to Mexico City on Thursday night. We spent the night there then flew to Dulles Airport on Friday. It was possibly our easiest flight yet! Amelie has finally learned how to watch a screen, hooray! :)

Our friends Emily and Annabelle had journeyed down from Brooklyn to spend the weekend with us. After discovering that our hotel didn't have a functioning pool or restaurant for our stay, we managed to switch (and upgrade) to a lovely Westin. We were all thrilled to be together. We finally got all the girls to bed and Emily and I settled in to finally catch up.

But then Calliope woke up crying. She was too sleepy to tell us what was wrong and I finally had to yell at her to get her to snap out of it. Then she said something about her legs hurting. And her stomach too, I think. I looked and she had these three weird bug bites on her left leg. And her ankle was a little swollen. I figured she had had them a while and just hadn't noticed. It seemed bizarre that they would wake her but I gave her some Motrin and at her request, Emily got ice and we rubbed her leg with ice. After a little while, she felt better and went back to sleep.

Emily and I shared the king bed that night -- she tried the pull out couch for about one minute and said no way -- with Amelie in the middle. Amelie woke up in the middle of the night to see Emily sleeping with a T-shirt over her face and started screaming, completely freaked out. It was funny to us in the morning.

We went to breakfast in the morning and then were getting ready to swim when Calliope noticed that she had more bug bites. And she was limping a little but as I mentioned, she's always been very sensitive to pain.

After the pool, I noticed that the other side of the same ankle was swollen. Now that was strange. Also there was the fact that I had had a worsening cough for at least two weeks, ever since a trip to Mexico City seemed to have kicked off a virus.

Annabelle and Amelie both went down for a nap and Emily stayed with them while I took Calliope to urgent care. For both of us. At this point her other ankle had swollen up and also her right palm. And she had a lot of back pain. It was hard for her to walk. They said I had bronchitis and she had a rare autoimmune reaction called Henoch Schonlein Purpura. The "bug bites" were actually tiny little bruises from her blood vessels leaking. By the time they saw us she had loads more of them on both legs. The stomach pain and the arthritis were part of it, too. They gave me a stack of prescriptions and told me to take her to the ER for stat bloodwork.

We stopped at the grocery store next door to fill my prescriptions and I pushed C around in a grocery cart and got a picnic dinner while we waited -- string cheese by Frozen (what a thrill for the kids after no string cheese for three months) and pretzel chips and tomatoes and donuts (C's request). Once the prescriptions were ready, we got yet another Uber and went to the ER.

My aunt came and joined us there which was awesome because it took quite a while for the bloodwork to be processed. Her urine and blood and strep test were all normal. They gave her prednisone for the pain and swelling in her joints and told us to see a local pediatrician in three days and we were finally released. She was so happy to be out of there!

The next couple days were hard for her -- pain came and went and she was emotionally fragile -- but after that she seemed fine. We saw a doctor three days later who said everything looked fine but if she got a bad stomach ache -- worrisome because Annabelle got sick the next day and threw up -- we would have to go back to the ER. Luckily she's been fine so far. She also said C would need weekly follow up for two months then biweekly for four months then monthly for six months, to follow her kidney function. Which mainly entails checking her blood pressure and doing a urine dipstick to check for blood.

Unfortunately, great medical providers are hard to come by in Mexico. I've reached out to two different providers who declined to see her -- I assume they haven't seen this illness before -- and now have an appointment for her with a third person. But I also ordered urine dipsticks and a pediatric blood pressure cuff to use at home and may decide to take over her care myself, at least part of the time. I have mixed feelings about it because on the one hand, these tests are simple and easy to do at home. On the other hand, I really strive to avoid being my children's medical provider. It's too close to home -- I lack perspective. But it's so much more convenient to do these at home! We will see.

The rest of the week went well. My cough gradually got better. It was nice to see family. The kids enjoyed playing outside with their cousins in the cold air.

To my surprise, they were both very happy to come home to Mexico. I thought they might be homesick for Brooklyn after a taste of the States but they are glad to be back and going to school... though Calliope is staying home today for supposed stomach pain. I have some guilt about not realizing how much pain she was in before and have now become a softie.

Fading bruises from Henoch Schonlein Purpura

Waiting for blood work results in the ER

Happy to be back at the hotel with beloved friend Annabelle. Masks are for fun, not illness.

Hooray for having energy to play outside!

Eighties hairdo for the girl who keeps cutting her hair on the left side.

Birthday Resolutions (A Few Days Late)

I had a lot of plans for how I was going to become a better person and especially, a better mother, once I arrived in Mexico. And then we arrived here August 6th and I had no childcare and no plans for how to spend our days. It turned out that spending all day, every day with my two kids (with two very different sets of needs) wasn't ideal for revamping my life.

But now it's been about a month since the girls started school. I am thrilled (and relieved) that they seem to be happy... from the very, very limited amount they share. Amelie tells me basically nothing but skips off happily to the van pick-up point every day so I think she must be happy at school (or else she would be reluctant to leave me). Calliope tells me a little bit about the games she plays at recess. And that they have started knitting, which she loves.

So now I can focus on myself a bit more. As you know I am looking for paid work. That is going slowly. I'm getting a few minutes here or there from the new job. I have a lot of free time but it fills itself up surprisingly easily! I am loving having so much time alone. So far, anyway.

Here are some goals I am working on:

1. Meditating every day. I'm using an app called Calm. The meditation only lasts ten minutes but it's surprisingly hard to fit it in, probably because I wait until the last minute. Not because I don't like it, but just because I'm procrastinating on the computer. It is likewise surprsingly hard for my brain to focus on it. My head feels like a hyperactive puppy, hopping around all over the place.
   
2. Spanish practice every day. Mostly this is Duolingo, ten minutes a day. I just started private tutoring once a week at a local coffee shop with a fellow parent at the Waldorf school. It was fun but suprisingly (there's that word again!) exhausting. I have more sympathy for how tired my kids must be after school.
   
3. Exercise. I was exercising at home in Brooklyn, too, but now I am doing a Piloxing (Pilates plus boxing) twice a week. It kicks my butt but I feel SO great afterwards! And now that I am getting a very little bit better at the coordination aspect, it is really fun. The other women are much better at it than I am but I laugh a lot and don't care. My at-home workouts are at least never cut short as they were in NY, due to time constraints in the mornings before work.
   
4. Eating. I've been doing Intuitive Eating forever BUT I have a very bad habit of eating unconsciously at night. I don't eat a ton and I mostly eat healthy but still. I know that eating because I am tired or burned out is counterproductive. So starting on my birthday, October 4th, I have committed to not eating while reading or looking at a screen. It's not easy -- last night, especially, I dearly wanted to snack on Goldfish and read. But because I had made this committment -- and update a friend daily on my progress -- I consciously laid down my phone while I had a snack. I am hoping that as I continue to work on self care, and as the days go by without indulging my habit, it will get easier.
   
5. Sleep. I feel like this is the mother of all self care. Getting enough sleep is critical for just about everything. My doctor at home thought I might have gained weight due to stress and I know a lot of managing stress is just getting enough sleep. So I am aiming to sleep 8-9 hours a night. My kids wake up early, even on weekends, so that means going to bed early. Not easy but now that I am getting more time to myself during the day -- a lot more -- it's a bit easier.
   
6. Blogging. I am trying to blog at least five days a week. Still far short of goal but that's my hope. I feel really good when I write every day. The ideas are always jostling around in my head. I hate for them to die before I put them down on paper. I'd love to write more about the experience of moving to Mexico -- and even have lots of notes -- but today is never the day to catch up on that.
   
7. Parenting. I am trying very, very hard to remain calm and not yell. This is a continual work in progress for me. When my kids don't listen I tend to get very frustrated. And my father was very impatient and I know I have that tendency as a result. And Calliope has an incredible tendency to tune me out... even when she is looking right at me. Sometimes even when she has verbalized understanding. But in my logical brain, I know that she is not doing this on purpose. So I have to keep working on finding ways to engage her cooperation. And one of those ways is making sure we have plenty of quality time to strengthen our relationship. (And we already have a list of morning chores and evening chores in the bathroom, and she lays out her clothes for the next morning each night... but somehow this doesn't work as well as it did in Brooklyn.)

Off to meditate before I pick up Amelie from the van!

Job Possibilities and Anxieties

Not a very interesting post, I fear, but... I'm wracking my brain, trying to figure out job possibilities.

I wrote to the sleep institute yesterday and I still haven't heard back from them... of course, I am fearing the worst, that they didn't like my application and don't think that I would be a strong applicant. (The website says that they will only respond if they like your application, not if they don't.)

Logically, this doesn't seem very likely. Perhaps they have other things on their minds besides me?

Still, I am anxious to hear back. And even if I do get into their program, it doesn't start until February and then it's a four month program before I could begin to even consider working as a sleep consultant. Presumably it would take a while to market myself and start reaching clients?

The niche websites would likewise take quite a while to start earning money. At least six months. Assuming I can get one or more built successfully. The hardest part is coming up with good ideas for niche sites and that's not something that is just based on hard work -- I have to actually come up with a good idea or no matter how good the work, it won't make money.

Luckily I have some savings but still... this is all so nerve-wracking. I hate living on savings.

The good news is that the applicant for the apartment successfully submitted her application to the management company. And my broker things the application looks strong. That will be a big relief, having someone paying my rent and then some. I'm just praying her kids don't run in the apartment and cause drama with my extremely difficult neighbors.

I've gotten a tiny bit of work from the new job and I THINK that they are doing a big advertising push so hopefully the work will pick up but... not much so far. I don't know if I can ask what to expect...

Happy Birthday to Me

It's my 44th birthday! Happy birthday to me.

The best thing about today is that I am MOSTLY very very content with my life.

I'm so glad (most of the time) that I took the leap and moved us three to Mexico.

Yesterday Calliope told me, "you know, Mommy, school here is actually pretty fun."

This made my heart sing. I know the move hasn't always been easy on her so for her to be happy here means the world to me.

Really the only thing I'm not happy about is my income. But I am so thankful not to be working 8-4 in an office anymore. I thought I might miss being around people but no. Apparently, as I get older, I get more crotchety. Now I only want to be around people when I choose to. And I choose to pretty often -- I'd like to socialize nearly every day. But not all day, every day.

The good news is that I got everything sorted out just fine with the new part-time remote employer. Turns out there wasn't an issue at all. They were just busy with their own things. I wasn't at the top of their priority list. Go figure.

The bad news is at the moment, they don't actually have any work in the queue for me to do. I keep checking back but nada.

I'm hoping it will pick up as time goes by but for now, it's slow.

I also have an application submitted to the property management company for my apartment. A single mom who is getting a great deal from me on rent. Partly because she can move in soon (but also has a little flexibility to wait if the process takes longer than expected) and partly because she offered to split the broker's fee with me and partly because her kids are a little older than mine and I'm hoping that might help with my extremely difficult downstairs neighbors and partly because I feel an affinity with a single mom.

So that will help. But it's not enough.

So I am looking into trying to build niche websites again. I tried once before, a year ago, and the process was too frustrating. But back then I had very limited free time. Now I have a lot more. To the tune of eight hours a day. To be sure, there are other things I need to get done during those eight hours. But not enough to fill up all that time. I'm hoping that with all that free time, I could handle the frustration with all the trouble shooting and especially, finding the best topics. That was the hardest part for me. I think I might actually enjoy building the websites and writing the content.

And beyond that... I am seriously considering taking a four-month training course in becoming a child sleep consultant. I feel like it fits in beautifully with my background as a pediatric nurse practitioner. I'm fascinated by my sleep training and the challenges it holds. I had a great experience with sleep training my own children. The program I am looking at appears to be quite rigorous and evidence-based and isn't tailored towards one approach to sleep training. It teaches many different approaches so that the sleep trainer can find the best one for a particular family.

The only downside is the start up cost. It's $4000 to take the course. They say they help you build a website and teach you how to market yourself. Still, it's a big investment.

But I am really, really excited about the work and even the training. It sounds fascinating. I feel energized just thinking about it. And that seems like a great sign. I just need to make sure it makes good business sense.

Anxiety-Riddled Week

It seems so unfair to complain but... it's been a very hard week.
My apartment still hasn't rented. Someone (who I found via neighborhood listserve) absolutely loved it... but can't quite afford it. She told me her maximum price but offered to split the broker's fee with me.

Thursday night two more families loved it... one large extended family of non-English speakers who asked if they could change out my (brand new) tile and remodel and put up walls! Another family also liked it and could meet my asking price but has three kids, one of who is a young toddler. It shouldn't matter -- it's totally unfair -- but my downstairs neighbors are an absolute nightmare. They complained bitterly about any running in the apartment, and toddlers, well, they like to run. I should know. I have one. And they made my life hell this spring as a result, threatening to call the cops on my African American male babysitter and threatening to call ICE on my Spanish speaking nanny (who is, incidentally, an American citizen).

So I had to decide if I should go for the low bidding single mom (who has two active boys ages six and eight so not ideal for the neighbors, either) who offered to split the broker's fee and can move in anytime or the higher bidding single mom with three kids, one of whom is a young toddler and who is more anonymous in terms of her commitment to the apartment (could she get frustrated and give up during the extensive review process by the co-op board)?

And I'm desperate for the income. The apartment has sat empty for two months now and it will likely be another month before a new person could actually move in because of the aforementioned lengthy review process by the co-op board.

In the end, I went with the more committed person with fewer children, even though she can't pay as much. Her application isn't as strong as the woman with three children because this woman works freelance -- praying the co-op board isn't bothered by this!

We are waiting now for her application with two years of tax documents and three letters of reference. Praying the application looks good and the co-op board moves quickly (unlikely because they are all Orthodox Jews and this is holiday season for them) so she can move in ASAP -- she has offered to start paying rent the day the lease is signed.

My other stress sounds a bit nuttier. I got a brand new part-time remote job with an online company that provides advice to new parents. I would be one of their parent advisors. I had quite a bit of trouble with their "onboarding" process and spent a lot of time on it and needed some assistance. They told me to bill for the time spent onboarding. I told my new boss that I put down five hours even though I was sure I spent more time than that, but to let me know if that was too much.
She never responded.

The other person who works with my group contacted me a day later about my bio for the website. We went back and forth a few times and then I said it was perfect, thanks. And then, could you please send me my practice questions to work on so I can get to work? She said she'd send them later that day.

It's been five days now and zero contact. I'm afraid to follow up because I'm scared that the boss has decided I'm too high maintenance -- too many questions -- plus dishonest because I charged them for five hours of onboarding when clearly it shouldn't have taken that long. (It did take me that long, even longer, though possibly because I was so anxious about NOT screwing up that I did everything wrong.)

Feel free to tell me that's ridiculous!

I'm going to wait two more hours and then I will send a cheery follow-up email. Think good thoughts for me, please!

So... Mexico?!

Flower crown in El Centro when we first arrived in town

A beautiful view during our trail ride via horseback for Calliope's birthday

Early morning hijinks while waiting for the school van

Spontaneous affection between my two. They've spent a lot of time together this summer
and I think it's mostly made them closer. 

She did not get this from me!

One of our best finds in San Miguel de Allende is this circus class. It makes my heart split open to see
how happy she is in the gym. 

Born flexible. Again, not from me!

So, as you may have surmised from my last post... we made it to Mexico!

Third time was the charm and we FINALLY got our visas approved in NYC. Phew. The second half of the visa application process is done in Mexico. We are using a lawyer (turns out this was an uneccesary expense but all the other expats do it too so I was intimidated) and she's submitted all our paperwork and photos. We go next week to get fingerprinted and then wait for our visa cards to arrive in the mail. Yay!

Life is grand here. The girls started school last week with a four day week. This week is a regular week. It hasn't been without challenges -- tears from both the first day, and just from Amelie the rest of the week. Now that they are a bit more settled they are riding a van to and from school because I don't have a car and cabs are expensive. Turns out, saying goodbye at the van is actually easier for them then saying goodbye at the classroom door. Before school started, Calliope was thrilled with life -- lots of audiobooks and drawing. Amelie went from asking anxiously if she had camp that day -- she had gone to camp for two weeks in Brooklyn so I could pack -- to actually requesting camp. She needed more routine. But the transition is still tough for my not so big three year old. I have no doubt she'll be loving it in no time.

They are attending a lovely Waldorf school outside the city limits. I went to a parent meeting before the school year started and was shocked to hear that there had been a sort of coup by the land owner and a couple parents and the school had lost their property rights and all their belongings inside the buildings, many of which they had built themselves.

That was concerning but the way the school community came together and even spoke of this wrongdoing in such a loving and respectful way impressed me beyond measure. And the new property -- which they found in a matter of days -- is lovely and the grounds are actually even nicer than the old space. Lots of giant old trees and grass with copious shade, whereas the old space was shrubs and cactus and dry dirt, though lots of space and easy access to the outside from every classroom.

It's my second week of being home without them and I feel like I'm finally beginning to relax and also catch up on my to do list after weeks of being with them every moment. I'm surprised I'm not filled with energy already. It's easy for me to forget that I also had many months of constant stress with preparing for our move. I never could have imagined how much work it would be. But I got us onto an airplane with all our belongings in seven suitcases. Sold the car, emptied the apartment, putting the furniture and 27 boxes into storage, the rest being donated or trashed.

Today I had an interview for a part time, remote job as a pediatric health care advisor. It sounds perfect for me, a combination of writing and babies and medicine. Fingers crossed it works out!

I miss my dear friends from back home and weekends feel a bit too empty but people here are lovely and welcoming and I'm cautiously optimistic we will soon find our tribe and have our weekends filled. Tonight we are having our first ever, and hopefully weekly, Shabbat blessings and weekly singalong with two other families from school, one of whom is the song leader at the local Jewish center. I don't need Judaism for me but Calliope loved her monthly Jewish class at home in Brooklyn and I'd like to continue having something that connects her to religion. There are two other SMC families in town -- and we now have a standing Saturday night date with each other, sans kids -- and we've met a couple of great families from school.

Finding Our People in Mexico

Yet another Tuesday, September 11th. That world feels a lifetime away.

After a rough Monday morning the day before -- our first Monday morning of a full school week -- the girls were thrilled that I rode in the school van with them. It's the small things in life.
I dropped them at their classrooms -- Amelie didn't cry! -- and went to the first of the weekly lecture series for parents. I felt very pleased with the progress in my Spanish -- I could understand nearly every word the lecturer spoke as long as I remained completely, attentively focused on his every word. I managed it for short stints, at least. But when I asked an English speaking parent what one word meant -- esferas -- and she explained the lecturer was discussing the different "spheres" of a Waldorf school and how they corresponded to the different elements of the human body, I realized how much I was missing on a deeper level. I had understood when he talked about bones and minerals but had completely missed the larger metaphorical connection.

Still, I'm glad for the opportunity to learn. When my English speaking friend publicly apologized for not having a translator available, I told her I was glad they didn't. I am aware of how much privilege I have. It's only right that I be forced to learn the language of the country I have adopted.

I took a break at one point to go outside and eat my breakfast sandwich. It's funny, in the United States I wouldn't hesitate to eat during a parent meeting at school. Indeed, at our school, we always served coffee and danishes and bagels. But at this meeting, no one was eating. I didn't know -- was this a coincidence or is this a cultural difference? Do Mexicans not eat "on the go" as we Americans tend to do? Not knowing and not wanting to stand out, I went outside.

While I was out there, I met a father I hadn't seen before. He introduced himself as Ivan and I realized he was the father in the family sharing a house with our other new-to-Mexico friends from the States, Terezca, Tom, and their lovely daughter Francesca. I had eagerly waiting for this family to return to Mexico because I knew from Terezca that Ivan's daughter would be in Calliope's class at school. From her reports, Calliope hadn't interacted much with the other children in her class and I imagined that meeting Micah and hopefully hitting it off with this other English speaker who boost Calliope's confidence tremendously. Imagine my delight when Ivan mentioned that their son, in Amelie's class, was having some trouble transitioning to school and could Amelie come for a play date that afternoon? (I later saw a message from Terezca inviting us for a play date as well so perhaps this excuse was manufactured by Tom because he knew I was hoping Calliope and Micah, his daughter, would hit it off.)

Regardless, the girls and I cabbed over to their house that afternoon and all had a wonderful time. Amelie stripped off her shirt -- in imitation of her new friend Teo -- and dunked her head in the fountain. Francesca generously followed Amelie around when she went off exploring. Calliope and Micah drew and built with Magna Tiles and generally got along famously. I sat and had tea with Terezca and Pamela, mom of Micah and Teo and wife of Ivan.

I feel like I've found my people! We've been missing our tribe at home -- our nanny share family at home with two kids my kids' exact ages -- and now we've found a new family with nearly the same ages and best of all, they go to the same school (unlike our closest friends at home)! The parents of both families seem amazingly cool and bent on integrating into the Mexican culture but also maintaining our own values (such as continuing to teach our kids to read, in English -- apparently Waldorf frowns on them reading at the tender age of newly seven!) and speaking English at home.
Fingers crossed they are as excited to build community as I am.

We also met a lovely Worldschooling (homeschooling while traveling) family at circus class, Calliope's new favorite thing. They asked for a playdate for their two sweet girls.

And I just connected with a dad from school who is a Jewish songleader (we first met when we visited San Miguel last spring and went to the Jewish Center for a Friday night service) and he and another mom are interested in doing weekly get togethers on Friday nights for Shabbat blessings. I'm not so invested in Judaism myself but Calliope seems to really crave a touch of religion in her life. And Amelie will be crazy for anything involving challah and guitar playing.

Visas Denied And Other Struggles

We had our visa appointments, as scheduled, and to my amazement, we were denied.

The woman I spoke with at the Mexican Consulate General of New York said that the Mexican government wants to know what I will be DOING in Mexico.

It was very strange because according to their website, all I need to do is prove my income/financial assets OR have a employment invitation letter from a Mexican company. Since my finances qualify me for entry, I shouldn't need an employment letter.

When she asked what I will be doing, I said I would be volunteering for a non profit there. She said I need a letter stating that I will need a letter saying so. Even though the website and even the paperwork she showed me says nothing of the sort.

I've been in frequent communication with the nonprofit in Mexico and they are trying to help but it turned out their registration number was expired and they had to go to Immigration multiple times and now they've filed the request for the new registration number but it takes two weeks to arrive and only once it arrives can they send me the letter. Oh, and the letter has to be an original. Not emailed, not scanned. On original letterhead with an original signature.

The day of our appointment was the day after Trump announced tariffs against Mexico. And we were late to our appointment. I was really frustrated with myself for that. But we still had plenty of time left since I had made three appointments for us and most likely, we only needed one for all three of us.

It definitely felt personal. She was looking for a reason to refuse me.

My friend Jackie got her visa without a single question.

If we can't get the visas, we will enter on a tourist visa and have to leave before 180 days has elapsed. Not the end of the world, but San Miguel is not near the border and Amelie can't tolerate a 10 hour bus ride to the border. So then we have to fly to a border, and pay for hotel rooms across the border while we visit the embassy there to apply, again, for a visa.

So I made visa appointments again for next Friday in NYC. Basically hoping that I get a different person -- which seems unlikely -- or else try again to plead my case. Which sounds like an exercise in frustration and stress. But I can't think of a good reason beyond that not to try. Being stressed is not as bad as spending hundreds of dollars on travel in six months. Argh!

I'm also having trouble finding renters for my apartment. I dropped the price and finally am getting more interest. Someone saw it a couple days ago and apparently loved it and tried to bargain down the price. I resisted initially but finally agreed... and now they haven't responded to my agreeing to their terms! Argh.

On a more positive note, I found my replacement at work! She is young and enthusiastic and spent the day with me today, seeing patients with me and learning all the documentation. I'm so relived to have someone great to take over.

I'm going out tonight with my four closest friends and really looking forward to that.

Today was my last full day of seeing patients. The students have a half day next week and then school is out for summer! I will work all next week but it will be very quiet. I'm looking forward to wrapping up! I am surprised to find that I feel not a shadow of hesitation or regret about leaving. It's definitely the right time for me to go.

Mug Shots

Every time I look at that photo of myself I think my nostrils must be flaring. So. Funny. Looking.

Anyway, we are ready for our visa appointment tomorrow with the Mexican consulate. I don't know why I am nervous but I am. Worst case scenario, we have to make another appointment and come back later. We still have plenty of time before our July 28 departure from Brooklyn.

But I really don't have to do that.

So I've got double copies of my retirement accounts and pay stubs and investment accounts and birth certificates and even called the RE's office and got a letter attesting that I conceived with donor sperm. 

Getting the photos was a bit of sh*t storm. Going to CVS with both girls after work/school and asking them to stand extremely still while the young CVS employee attempted to take a workable photo with a crappy camera -- no smiling, ears must show, no glasses, and obviously not blurry -- was ridiculous. And then their machine took forever to process each photo, and we had to repeat each one. Kind of a nightmare. The kids were tearing around the store, playing catch with the large rubber balls from the display. A store manager gently chastised Amelie for playing ball and she got scared and ran to me and buried her head in my shoulder and he felt so bad about it he said never mind and gave the ball back. My little maniuplator.

And then she started asking me if the twenty year old CVS employee if he is Daddy. (snicker.) She asks me that about every man he meets. So he says to Amelie, "Hi, I'm Dennis. What's your name?"

"Dennis," she replies. And won't change her answer no matter what.

Then Calliope volunteered that her name is Annabella Isabella. It probably didn't help their behavior that I was cracking up at the conversation.

They were pretty riled up by this point so finally it occurred to me to get a shopping cart. Amelie got strapped in the child safety seat and Calliope sat in the back. Peace at last. Mission accomplished after a good long wait for the photos to be printed very very slowly and cropped and rung up.

Then yesterday Calliope and I had to leave school early to go to the birth certificate office in downtown Manhattan because naturally I had sent many of my important documents home with my brother for safe keeping. Including, of course, Calliope's birth certificate. I was anxious we wouldn't get there early enough -- I love beaocratic offices that close at 3:30 -- but we finished with time to spare.

Now I just need to run to the ATM to make sure we have sufficient cash to pay our visa fees. And scurry home afterwards to meet another moving company for another moving estimate. Whew. The fun never stops.

Fingers crossed it all goes smoothly tomorrow and I cross another major item off the to do list!

Movin' Right Along

While the list is long and daunting, I am making exciting progress towards moving to Mexico!

A few of my successes:

• Listed my apartment for rent. We've had two open houses and a few private appointments. No bites yet but it's still early... I may have to bring the price down eventually but I am holding off as long as possible. Each open house or appointment means leaving the house immaculate when we go out, of course. Luckily I have decluttered like crazy over the past six months and continue to do so, more slowly now that I have so much less stuff.
  
• Secured an apartment in San Miguel de Allende! It's a three bedroom, two bath place in San Antonio, a very mixed and popular neighborhood. It's close to where the girls will board the van to school so that's convenient. And my friend that saw it for me said it's amazing. I hope she's right!
  
• Took myself to the dentist for a cleaning. Always an anxiety producing event so I am glad to have that done. And today I even made another appointment with the dentist to get some sealants applied since my teeth are ground down and thus more vulnerable to cavities. But no cavities for now and none for a very long time, despite my anxiety.
  
• Set up appointments with two different moving companies to get quotes and already got an over-the-phone quote from a third who I have tentatively scheduled but may cancel.
  
• Requested the oral typhoid vaccine for myself and Calliope from our respective medical providers and made an appointment to take Amelie into the city to get her injectible typhoid vaccine (kids six and under can't have the oral version and the local pediatrician offices don't carry typhoid injections since it's not given in the standard vaccine schedule).
  
• Called the insurance company and confirmed that Calliope and I can get physicals even before 366 days have elapsed since our previous physicals. Then I scheduled both of our physicals.
  
• Got a quote for international health insurance. Are you ready for this? Eighteen hundred dollars for the YEAR for the three of us with a $500 deductible. Accidental injuries are 100% covered.
  Visits back to the States not included but coverage includes everywhere else in the world.
  
• Booked three ONE WAY tickets to Mexico!!!
  

There's lots more to do but I'm so excited to have accomplished so much. Unfortunately I can't start packing yet because I need the apartment to be as pristine as possible when showing it to prospective tenants but I will start that in mid July. 

Tomorrow I hope to finally speak with my HR manager -- we've been playing phone tag -- and officially submit my letter of resignation, effective August 30. By submitting it now I can hopefully help hire my replacement. I hope we can find someone terrific!

Denied!

I finally heard back from HR... and they denied my request for a year long leave of absence.

I have mixed emotions.

The first part of me is relief. Now there is no external pressure to come back to Brooklyn in a year. I think I'd like to be in Mexico for at least two year, possibly a lot longer... or forever. Now I won't feel any sort of urgency to come back. I won't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I decide not to come back in a year. I make my decision to leave and that's it. No more decisions to make about this job.

The second part of me is sadness. I've been at this job eleven years. I had never been at a job for more than eighteen months before! I've been happy here. I started here as an ambitious new graduate with lots of big plans. Now I'm a bit jaded and a lot tired. It's time to move on. But I'll be sad to say goodbye to the many wonderful teachers and families I've known here and the children I've watched grow up.

I thought the third part was fear, of letting go of the security of this safe job. But it's not true. I'm not afraid. I worry about how much harder another job will be when we come back, when (and if) my children are in this building and I'm working elswhere... but that sounds so far away that I'm not really worried about it yet. I can't worry about it.

I'll wait for August to send in my resignation letter because many of my colleagues were cheated out of their pro-rated summer salary (money withheld from their paychecks during the school year). Which is too bad because it means they can't post my job position until then, most likely, due to union rules. My medical director is my friend so I'll tell her informally this week though she is already expecting the news. Still, I wish for the clinic's sake that they could know officially now so they could hire someone fabulous to be my replacement, ready to start on September first.

Mexico, here we come!

Burned Out?

You know how people complain that on Facebook, everyone else's life looks perfect and no one shares the hard stuff?

This is not like that.

Guys, I'm so weary. I don't know if I am fighting off an illness -- Amelie has had a fever for three days. Maybe I'm catching it. I couldn't eat dinner last night, so it might have been that... or it could have been too much trail mix mid afternoon.

I worry I am not cut out to parent two children.

I stayed home with Amelie yesterday since she was sick (though she seems almost herself when the Motrin is working) and I was endlessly patient with her through the frequent meltdowns, easily remembering that she wasn't feeling well and feeling lots of sympathy.

But then sweet Calliope came home and everything she did -- AND everything Amelie did -- just worked my last nerve.

We had gone to a neighbor's apartment on the same floor to pick up some soup the neighbor made for Amelie (how sweet is that???) and Calliope went into the apartment a minute or two before me. I was carrying the steaming hot soup so I yelled Calliope's name through the door and rang the doorbell. No ansswer. Despite multiple attempts.

Finally I juggled the soup and other food and managed to open the door (yes, I could have set the soup down on the floor), spilling a little hot soup on myself. I got into the apartment, set down the soup, and fully laid into Calliope. SCREAMING with her. Months of frustration about how she never, ever hears me when I call her name came pouring out. I didn't actually mention those times but the extreme anger reflected it.

And you know, it felt really good. Which is terrible, I know. But my god. It is so frustrating to have someone never ever hear you.

And it makes me think, too, that maybe her teacher is onto something when she says she's worried about Calliope's ability to focus.

This morning it was hard to get her out of bed. Once she was finally up, though, she did well at her "morning jobs" since she puts the next day's clothes in the bathroom the night before. She finished early and went to play. Five minutes before we were due to leave, I told her to put away the toys. She took about five minutes to put five plastic animals into a bin sitting right next to her. Then, at the time she was supposed to put on her shoes, disappeared into the bathroom.

FURY on my part. As I am scurrying around making your lunch, your breakfast, my breakfast, my tea... you decide to go make a nice long trip to the bathroom just as I am finishing up? God forbid you use your playtime for that.

So I yelled a bunch more.

I know what this is about. It's been constant, for months now. Staging an apartment, selling an apartment, renovating an apartment, moving to the new apartment, unpacking the new apartment, staging the new apartment, downsizing our belonging in preparation for packing up and moving. So many high pressure deadlines.

I am just tired. I worry that this is middle age creeping up on me but maybe it's just too much. Adrenal fatigue, some call it.

I'm trying to be good and schedule the every other Friday night out and god knows they feel great while they are happening... but the next day I am even more exhausted because I often go to bed too late after such a night. And right now I'm extra tired because of interrupted sleep with Amelie being sick -- I've slept with my door open so I hear every whimper and vault out of bed at the first sound. (I'm a bit paranoid about anyone puking in her bed.)

I just arranged for the sitter to come again this Friday night and this time, I am planning to go to the movies by myself. To try to just really tune in to my own needs.

I successfully pushed through a pile of mail on my desk and checked a few more items off my to do list... the list is never ending.

I don't have a good way to wrap this up with a bow but I thought it might be helpful to say that sometimes this parenting gig is really, really hard. I feel like I am really doing a not-great job right now and I worry I am doing permanent damage to my kids. I hope not. I apologize after the fact. But I want to be better.

We Are Doing It

We had a fabulous time in Mexico. And, you guys, we are doing it. We are moving to Mexico!

The second week of our trip the girls spent three full days at the Waldorf school. Amelie didn't say much but Calliope loved it. After the second day she said she was sad to be leaving. This is high praise from a quiet kid who is "slow to warm up."

I met with the teacher and administrator the last day and they felt my girls fit in beautifully. The teacher said she didn't see any signs of processing issues with Calliope. She had no concerns.

(Oh yes, I never got around to sharing this fun tidbit... in Calliope's winter progress report and in the parent teacher conference, her teacher and the reading specialist both expressed concerns that she's a bit behind where they expect her to be. Not a lot, just a little. And she has trouble following directions. That part was not a huge shock to me since she has trouble with verbal instructions at home, too. There was some wondering about an auditory processing disorder.

But still. It was unexpectedly devastating to be told there's something wrong with my perfectly imperfect child. My sensitive, creative, dreamy little bird.

I scurried about making phone calls, requesting evaluations, mourning.

And then I stopped. And started to get mad.

This school told me not to worry about reading in kindergarten. Told me to focus on play. And reading aloud to her. And promptly assessed her reading at the beginning of first grade and found her lacking.

What. The. Fork.

Screw you. There's nothing wrong with my kiddo. She's on the more sensitive side. She needs things explained more than one way. She doesn't do well, sometimes, with one teacher to twenty-six children. She has more interesting things to think about than science. Like unicorns.

So this is one more reason to embrace Waldorf. Calliope commented that they had so much time and so few things to do. No more racing from task to task.

And one teacher for fifteen children. And two hours of outdoor time a day. And lots of art and music.

And oh, the tuition for both girls, full time, is under $500/month.

But it's not just about the girls. I'm so burned out on my job. I just made my 11 year anniversary. I'm tired. The children are wonderful but the political stuff is exhausting. And I'm tired of always scrambling. Of not being present with my girls. Of not having money put into my GD pension.Of not getting a raise since 2011.

I signed a contract with my real estate broker last night for her to rent out my apartment. The hope is that I make enough in rental income that I can live on the proceeds. Fingers crossed.

I have a job prospect in Mexico, too, but hope that I can take some time to just be for a while. To wait for the hunger to do more.

We start showing the apartment in a week or two. Photos to be taken next week. I'm trying to make peace with it not looking perfect.

In the meantime, I have a long list of things to accomplish. I have to get international health insurance (suprisingly cheap) and a virtual mailbox (they open mail for me and scan me the contents, not as cheap) and cancel every paper bill and catalog. We have to get typhoid vaccines and go to the dentist and to the doctor to get physicals and downsize downsize downsize. And how on earth am I going to get my curly hair cut in Mexico???

Trying to figure out what to bring with us will be a challenging logistical puzzle. I'm already working on it in my head. I'll have two weeks with the girls in daycamp to pack up our suitcases and get everything else into boxes and into storage. And sell my car. July will be an adventure for sure.

We leave for Mexico on or about August 1st.

We Are (Mostly) Moved In

I took last Friday off and spent the three days moving us into our new apartment, two floors down from our former home.

It was chaotic and I had a lot of paid help but we are getting close to unpacked. Whew! Exhausting work.

The move had been postponed twice but that turned out to be fortuitious because all three of us got a horrible stomach bug in Jamaica (amazing SMC trip!) and there was no way I could have muscled through the recovery period when we got back.

The house is still kind of a mess and these photos don't do it justice but if I don't post now while I am still so excited, I may never remember to do it.

I'm loving it so much... and yet Mexico is constantly in my thoughts.

This counter top (quartz, with a faint grey thread you can't really see here) and backsplash
still make my heart skip a beat when I see them. I never dreamed I would get to design my
own kitchen one day!

My beautiful kitchen (and beautiful child for scale) 

Also never imagined I would pick paint colors (other than white) and crown molding!

So fancy with my recessed lighting

Master bath isn't quite done yet, obviously, but loving my tile and the rain forest shower head.
Glass shower door arriving soon. (And the blue stuff will be pulled off the vanity.) 

My peaceful bedroom. The shelves in the corner (and the plastic bins) will (hopefully) go
away once I am finished upacking and the living room cabinetry is completed.
So happy about the canvas hung over my bed, at last. 

Taking the Leap

It turns out that I misunderstood my boss... they aren't planning to lay off my medical assistant. Phew! I got that news a week later.

But since then... They did lay off our administrator (he was terrible and deserved to go... but how will they manage the program without someone to steer the ship?) and a nurse practitioner at the one site that had two nurse practitioners (and the only one non-unionized so there was no issue of her "bumping" another NP out of her job) and a front desk person there (because, again, the only site with two). And in two months our billing person will go. That seems very concerning since she chases all our incoming revenue. How will our income drop without someone to hound the insurance companies for the money they owe us? Supposedly the medical assistants will be trained in some of this work but I am dubious... they already are busy with the work they do in the clinics.

In any case... I realized that despite the good news about my medical assistant, I had gotten really excited about Mexico. Unlike last time, when I was overcome with anxiety about the long list of things to figure out, I am excited (if still daunted) by the adventure.

Since my last post, I've booked flights to Mexico in April, arranged visits at two different schools there (one is a full three day visit for both my girls), set up an Airbandb (with a pool, a huge win when traveling to a new place with few toys), scheduled a tour of a place I might like to work, and booked a babysitter! Not too shabby.

I'm trying not to make any firm commitments until after this, our second visit to San Miguel de Allende, and especially until I've seen the schools but... I realized on Friday (while speaking in Spanish to my pedicurist!) that my heart as decided. We are going to Mexico next year! (Short of some disastrous experience in Mexico or something else going terribly wrong.)

I asked my medical director for her support in my asking HR for a leave of absence and she readily agreed, which is wonderful. I haven't officially requested a LOA yet but she emailed HR on my behalf (not specifying who she was asking for) and HR didn't seem to hate the idea... said it would be considered, and decided upon by a bunch of factors. So fingers crossed it might work out... but I might not want to come back after a year! And I might not want to come back to this job. I'm pretty tired of the many ways it is broken, even while I still love the patient care (and feel pretty good at it).

In the meantime... we move downstairs to our new-to-use, newly remodeled, apartment in a week! I can't fathom how our contractor is going to get everything done but he continues to assure me that it will be ready. I finally mentioned the idea to Amelie today for the first time. It's still so messy down there that it's hard to explain to her that that will be our home.

I'm anxious about all the work ahead of me -- I'm not packing at all, just hiring guys to carry things downstairs and put them away -- but also SO excited to have a beautiful home that I got to design myself! It feels like I dream I never dared to have. I never thought it would be in my reach. And it seems nuts to leave it behind so quickly to move to Mexico but it would be more crazy to stay here and miss out on the adventure of a lifetime because of a mere apartment.

I'm so excited to be taking the leap! I know that I if I skipped it because of fear I would regret it for the rest of my life. The time to do this is now.

Work News?

We've been preparing for a once-every-three-years state inspection recently, which has meant long hours and general misery, doing lots of extra paper work and trying to make the clinic look a lot more polished than it actually is. I like to think I provide high quality clinical care but the actual setting is pretty shoddy. Hopefully families don't notice it and see our space as just another room in a very old school building.

Anyway, while speaking with my medical director about our preparations, she let it slip that the hospital is considering laying off our medical assistants! This would mean that in addition to seeing patients and the hundred layers of documentation involved with seeing patients in a school health program (ie without help), I would also be expected to pull charts, greet patients, submit billing forms, take temperatures, treat boo-boos (I see all the serious injuries and every single head injury, no matter how minor, but she handles the bumped shins and minorly scraped elbows), order supplies, make ice packs, handle school forms...

Basically, a single day working solo makes me want to poke my eye out.

So I told my boss -- I think I've found my line in the sand. If she goes, I go.

I should also mention that my medical assistant is amazing, the best I've ever had, and I'm loyal to her. But working solo would be sheer misery and a disservice to my patients.

I was fuming all afternoon about our conversation... but a few hours later I had a change of heart. I started to feel LUCKY that I had found my limit.

I have always been afraid of leaving this job because I wanted my children in this school,

But a week prior, I had dinner with a close friend who is retiring. As he talked about his upcoming travel plans, I felt a wave of envy. I wanted to travel and explore too.... but I didn't want to wait until I retire, and then travel alone. I want to go NOW. With my girls. While they are still young enough to want to travel with me.

And then I started to think about a Waldorf School I had heard about in Mexico. I had thought it was too far outside of town to be a viable option... but I suddenly realized that this was surely a solveable problem. My nephew just switched to a Waldorf school in his town and his whole family is thrilled with their experience. I went to the school's Facebook page and found the contact info for an American parent with a child in the school and started messaging back and forth with her.

I'm now really, really excited about the prospect of moving. I mentioned this school to Calliope (without mentioning anything about my job) and she immediately jumped up and down and squealed "Ooh, I want to go!" (The school is based on a farm and she is enchanted with the idea of farming... she wants to be a farmer and live in a treehouse when she grows up.)

I've committed to contacting the school and arranging a visit. They require a three day visit for the child so the teacher can assess her. I won't make any other plans until we make the visit. But just committing to a trip to Mexico before the summer is a very big step.

If my employer decides not to lay off our medical assistants... then I have an even bigger decision to make.

Our funding is still not assured for next year. We got a one year reprieve this year. We have a lot of political support now and things look promising but there are no guarantees. I'm tired of the uncertainty and feeling like we are constantly operating on a shoestring. I know my boss is tired of the politics and will be hiring her replacement soon, and I don't know what that person will be like. This will be my fourth medical director in eleven years.

And if I could not work at all for a while... why wouldn't I choose that? (I think.)

I don't think I would be happy not working for long -- though perhaps if I stepped off the treadmill of life I would surprise myself! -- but I have an amazing job opportunity down there. My ideal would be to take three months to get us settled and to take Spanish classes and exercise classes and just be very available for the kids... and then gradually get involved with this non profit down there. Of course, I might hate it. I don't know enough yet. I will visit when we go in April to check out the school. But it sounds amazing.

I hate the idea of renting out my brand new apartment (I did mention that I bought an apartment downstairs, right? And that I'm currently renovating it and am in contract to sell my "old" place?) But on the other hand, that's not a reason to stay. And I could live on what I make renting the place. And next year is my last year of having to pay for full time child care for Amelie... one more year of living in the red every single month. Why not not work that year?

Of course... what if I love it there and never want to come back? Or what if I am miserable (or the kids are) and I want to come back after three months and can't? (I guess I can always get a sublet back in Brooklyn, right?)

Many things to think about!