Burned Out?

You know how people complain that on Facebook, everyone else's life looks perfect and no one shares the hard stuff?

This is not like that.

Guys, I'm so weary. I don't know if I am fighting off an illness -- Amelie has had a fever for three days. Maybe I'm catching it. I couldn't eat dinner last night, so it might have been that... or it could have been too much trail mix mid afternoon.

I worry I am not cut out to parent two children.

I stayed home with Amelie yesterday since she was sick (though she seems almost herself when the Motrin is working) and I was endlessly patient with her through the frequent meltdowns, easily remembering that she wasn't feeling well and feeling lots of sympathy.

But then sweet Calliope came home and everything she did -- AND everything Amelie did -- just worked my last nerve.

We had gone to a neighbor's apartment on the same floor to pick up some soup the neighbor made for Amelie (how sweet is that???) and Calliope went into the apartment a minute or two before me. I was carrying the steaming hot soup so I yelled Calliope's name through the door and rang the doorbell. No ansswer. Despite multiple attempts.

Finally I juggled the soup and other food and managed to open the door (yes, I could have set the soup down on the floor), spilling a little hot soup on myself. I got into the apartment, set down the soup, and fully laid into Calliope. SCREAMING with her. Months of frustration about how she never, ever hears me when I call her name came pouring out. I didn't actually mention those times but the extreme anger reflected it.

And you know, it felt really good. Which is terrible, I know. But my god. It is so frustrating to have someone never ever hear you.

And it makes me think, too, that maybe her teacher is onto something when she says she's worried about Calliope's ability to focus.

This morning it was hard to get her out of bed. Once she was finally up, though, she did well at her "morning jobs" since she puts the next day's clothes in the bathroom the night before. She finished early and went to play. Five minutes before we were due to leave, I told her to put away the toys. She took about five minutes to put five plastic animals into a bin sitting right next to her. Then, at the time she was supposed to put on her shoes, disappeared into the bathroom.

FURY on my part. As I am scurrying around making your lunch, your breakfast, my breakfast, my tea... you decide to go make a nice long trip to the bathroom just as I am finishing up? God forbid you use your playtime for that.

So I yelled a bunch more.

I know what this is about. It's been constant, for months now. Staging an apartment, selling an apartment, renovating an apartment, moving to the new apartment, unpacking the new apartment, staging the new apartment, downsizing our belonging in preparation for packing up and moving. So many high pressure deadlines.

I am just tired. I worry that this is middle age creeping up on me but maybe it's just too much. Adrenal fatigue, some call it.

I'm trying to be good and schedule the every other Friday night out and god knows they feel great while they are happening... but the next day I am even more exhausted because I often go to bed too late after such a night. And right now I'm extra tired because of interrupted sleep with Amelie being sick -- I've slept with my door open so I hear every whimper and vault out of bed at the first sound. (I'm a bit paranoid about anyone puking in her bed.)

I just arranged for the sitter to come again this Friday night and this time, I am planning to go to the movies by myself. To try to just really tune in to my own needs.

I successfully pushed through a pile of mail on my desk and checked a few more items off my to do list... the list is never ending.

I don't have a good way to wrap this up with a bow but I thought it might be helpful to say that sometimes this parenting gig is really, really hard. I feel like I am really doing a not-great job right now and I worry I am doing permanent damage to my kids. I hope not. I apologize after the fact. But I want to be better.