So I dove in. The first day was hardest, probably around 14-18 hours, which was early afternoon when I was a little bored at home. Once the kids came home and Calliope's tutor came over I was distracted, which helped. I thought the kids might notice that I wasn't eating and I wasn't sure how to respond to that but they didn't notice.
I am very, very careful to never, ever talk about dieting in front of them. I never comment on my weight or changes in it. I haven't discussed fasting. I do tell them that I am not eating sugar because I think it's not healthy. And they agreed to a two-week "sugar detox" where they are only getting one sweet thing a day -- if they want a cookie after dinner, they can't have syrup on pancakes or nutella on their peanut butter sandwiches. I've relaxed my standards a little and will let them have a square of dark chocolate or a piece of dried mango in the mornings but I think it's definitely lowered their cravings for sugar.
Anyway, by dinner time for them it was feeling a bit better. I put them to bed and was amazed to observe that my brain quietly accepted my "the kitchen is closed" decision. Amazing!
I woke up the next morning and surprisingly un-hungry. I'm rarely hungry in the mornings. That was at about 36 hours in. I did have a coffee with cream at home and then another during my Thursday morning Spanish tutoring session at the local bakery. After that, I limped -- because I banged the crap out of my fourth toe a couple days earlier and it's a lovely shade of purple right now -- to the CASA Clinic where I have been volunteering these past three weeks.
Lucky me, one of the midwives told me she had a patient in labor and invited me to participate! That was at 9:30 in the morning. The patient was already at 7 cm and doing great but after a few hours things slowed down. I was very involved, pressing on her back with contractions and doing my best to listen avidly to the midwife's explanations of things -- my Spanish is improving all the time but it's still not easy to understand everything. I was busy enough -- even when the patient fell asleep between contractions -- to not feel hungry. And I swear, there's something about getting past those early hours of fasting... it gets progressively easier!
I was planning a lovely dinner for myself when I finished the day. But the baby took a long time to arrive and I didn't want to rush out afterwards. And then the new father generously offered to treat the midwife and myself to dinner. I wanted to refuse but he was eager and in Mexico, I think it's rude to say no. So he ordered burgers for everyone. And insisted I take some sweet potato fries. I only took a few fries and managed to eat the burger without the bun (mostly) although it had some sort of sweet topping on it. That wouldn't have been too bad but that carbohydrate intake plus fatigue from the long day made me crave more carbs.
I got home and my energy crashed. I got the kids into bed and was desperately craving tortilla chips. I'm proud of my compromise, though. Instead of crashing on the couch, I put a few chips in a very small bowl... and started cooking a few strips of bacon. I ate some of the chips while the bacon was frying then took a break to eat the bacon. After the bacon, I didn't want the chips anymore! Just to make sure, I threw the chips away.
This morning, Amelie woke me up at 4:30 am with a cough and nausea. She felt better very quickly but decided to wake her sister, too. They were both tearing around the house making a ton of noise before 6 am. After my long day the previous day, plus the eating choices the night before, I was in a terrible mood. Some fierce yelling took place.
I had two cups of coffee and cream and got them fed and off to school. Came home to an empty house and STILL was in a terrible mood. And hungry. Even though I knew it was probably more thirst than hunger, I didn't have the discipline to fight it. So I cooked up the last of the bacon plus two eggs and leftover roasted radishes and ate that. I wasn't hungry anymore but I was still having cravings. So I had some dark chocolate and some heavy cream. Still feeling unhappy.
And finally, I realized that the only thing that would make me feel better was fasting again! I wanted a change to redo how I broke the fast. I was upset that I didn't get to do it my way. I had been thinking that with my social plans this weekend I couldn't fast now. But then I realized that was ridiculous. No one else is all that invested in my eating! I can have friends over for dinner and even cook for them and still not eat!
So at 10 am I put the food away and got up off the couch and started cleaning. I always feel better when the house is clean. And now I am three hours into a fast of an undetermined length. I feel much more in control of my life though I can also tell I am in desperate need of a workout. That will help my mood too. But I am excited that I am starting a fast after having had a meal because I know I'm not hungry right now (as opposed to starting it at bedtime) because I just ate. I'm drinking a big mug of mint tea and I have my bottle of lightly salted water next to me. I'm hoping that today will be pretty easy and that I will sleep during the hardest part and wake up feeling great tomorrow! A cool thing about fasting is that it makes your body release adrenaline -- supposedly to energize you to go hunt some wild game -- so far from being tired while fasting, I generally feel great!
I am going to try to have black coffee again tomorrow to be as purist as possible, if I can manage it.
Oh, and yesterday morning, before work... I finally hit a new low... a pound lower than I have been before. Only 3 kg from that to my goal weight! Of course my weight is WAY up today. But I think this photo of me from yesterday really shows that I am smaller. It's interesting to me to observe that I don't just lose from my stomach -- I am smaller all over! I had somehow forgotten that.
I am so grateful that I got through my first longer fast (in a while) and that I felt so good and feel like I am getting control of my destiny for the first time in ages! All I have to do is get my career figured out and I will have everything I have ever hoped for. And how awesome is it that I get to partipate in births and learn from such amazing people? I really just have to figure out the income part of work figured out. And I somehow have faith that if I continue to follow my passions, I will! Next week I am visiting a nonprofit that sends medical vans out into the countryside to provide medical care to rural children. I am hoping I can include volunteering with them in my soon to be very busy schedule! Or who knows, maybe one of these days these volunteer gigs will turn into a paid oppportunity (that still allows me to pick my children up from the school van most days and lets me travel during their school breaks)! I blindly trust that something will work out.
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| The awesome midwife who invited me to help. |
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| Sweet cuddly newborn and my feeling-svelt self |
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| Braids! From the girl who is excited to cut her hair short. Sniff. |
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| She has noticed grown ups cross their legs and is, as always, eager to imitate. |
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| Gorgeous light in the Jardin |
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| With friend Mika in Jardin |
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| Yesterday versus last June. |
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| Pals in Centro. Amelie has met her match in Teo. He is just as mischievous as her! |
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