After Four Days of Antibiotics

With our nanny-share baby. She looks pretty good, right? (Even if she
refused to eat anything at lunch, despite the fact that she's reaching
for my food.)

This is an excerpt from an email to a friend.

luckily she is better, but still not quite right. today was day 4 of antibiotics. she took a 90 minute nap, starting at 7:45 am. then we went to the beach. she had fun at the beach and LOVED being dipped in the water, but she kept lying down with her face in the sand (under the umbrella). 

she slept a bit on the way there and on the way back, maybe 20 minutes each, plus 40 minutes in the carrier as we were packing up (i had to wake her each time). when we got home at about 3:30, she became hysterical as i brought her in the bathroom to clean us both off. it was horrible. i haven't seen her like that since she was an overtired newborn. after I bathed her, I put her on the bathmat to sit but she stood up and draped her chest and head across the ledge of the tub and alternatively wailed and sucked her thumb pitifully. finally we were both clean [enough] and i took her to the bedroom to nurse. she seemed cheerful after that but i decided to try putting her down anyway. this was a little after 4.

i put her in the crib and she collapsed gratefully (she loves her crib!). and it appears she is sleeping through the night. on the advice of my mom, i went in after two hours, at 6 pm, and gave her the amoxicillin and nursed again. it's amazing that babies can swallow things without waking up! she took the meds well and nursed (only one side) without waking up and i put her back in the crib.

so i guess she's sleeping straight through the night!? (i'm going to be very unhappy if she's ready to party at 11 pm... hopefully not.)

my mom wants me to bring her back to the pediatrician if she's not better by monday.

the thing is, she IS better, just still not herself. she's eating solids at SOME meals, but not all. i don't think she's gained any weight back yet, and probably still losing, though slowly. her clothes are pretty baggy on her. she's sleeping 3-4 hours a day plus 10-12 hours at night. her congestion is vastly improved but she still has a deep productive cough, but it's not frequent. she's playful but sometimes is ready for a nap after only 45 minutes awake.

thoughts?

Ten month photos... which I only just remembered to take, at nearly ten
months and three weeks. Oops. I like this one because you can really see
the ?gray color of her eyes (I still don't know what to call the color). Still,
look at the bags under her eyes. 

Second Trip to the Doctor

What happens when I put Calliope down to "play"

Finally, yesterday, I just got fed up and also worried. I couldn't put Calliope down to play at all. She just wanted to be held. All. The. Time.

Rocking in the glider was just perfect for her. And I didn't mind. For a while. But then I would get kind of lonely and claustrophobic. But all trips outside the apartment quickly led to misery for her. Silent crying, because she'd lost her voice.

I had been planning to hold out for Wednesday, but when I realized that Wednesday was July 4th, I decided to make an appointment to see the pediatrician on Tuesday  (we'd seen one, not our regular person, last Friday, after she's had the fever for 36 hours). I waffled for quite a while over this decision, not wanting to waste our time with another fruitless visit, but ultimately decided that with the holiday, I definitely didn't want to wait until Thursday.

But then, after her third nap of the day yesterday, she seemed a bit better! She was able to play on her own for fifteen minutes! She's always been very independent, so this wouldn't ordinarily be impressive, but after days of being glued to my (hot and sweaty) body, it was real progress. I almost called the doctor to cancel, but decided to hold off for this morning.

When I went to Calliope at 4:30 this morning, I was surprised to feel that her body was radiating heat, given that she looked more like herself yesterday than she had in a week. I nursed her and put her back to bed. An hour later, she was up again, feeling very toasty indeed. This time I took her temperature... 101.6 axillary, which is equivalent to 102.6 oral. No wonder she felt warm. I gave her some Motrin and she slept until nearly 9 am... the latest she's slept since she was a newborn!

We saw a different pediatrician today, one who remembered who I am and that I work in school health. She was lovely, and asked very collaboratively, "so I'm thinking it's a sinus infection. Is that what you are thinking?"

I agreed that it made perfect sense, though I'm embarrassed to admit to all of you that I didn't even think of that until she suggested it. But OF COURSE she has a sinus infection. This is why I bring her to someone else, and don't treat her myself!

Another dose of Motrin plus her first dose of amoxicillin plus two naps and my girl is more like herself than she has been in a week.

She's still not any eating solid foods, and was down to 17 pounds, 2 ounces, which is 7% for her age. I keep offering lots of different foods, and to be fair, she has tasted a very few things, so that's progress. I have decided, as I've said previously, that I am not going to make food a battleground. But neither am I going to offer junk food to entice her to eat. But I've offered all sorts of berries, and yogurt (her favorite), and cheese, and a cracker and buttered bread (neither of which I would normally give her), and occasionally she's let the tip of her tongue touch one of these, and other than that, she has refused to open to her mouth. Exceptions: she enjoyed a piece of freeze dried seaweed last night, and exactly one tiny egg of salmon roe tonight. But she's nursing tons, and I assume my supply has picked up as a result, since she's nursing on only one side at a time (if she was still hungry, she would want both sides). Since she's only lost two ounces since last week, I figure she's not starving.

Still, I'm feeling a bit burned out and exhausted. I feel like I can barely remember my happy, adventurous baby... though I got a hint of her tonight when we met a friend for dinner. By the end, confident that Mommy wasn't going anywhere, she was flirting across the table with him, and even snuggled into his chest with a smile for a goodbye hug. Now I have to wonder if I was too quick to start the antibiotics (the doctor suggested I could wait 24 hours to see if Calliope got better on her own... she did seem to be acting more like herself... but on the other hand... her fever was going up.)

In other exciting news... i FINALLY have a mortgage committment letter AND the co-op board is ready to meet with me! I've very excited. Unfortunately, my mother has to meet with them also, since she's on the application (because she's helping with the down payment) and she's leaving the country on Friday to take my niece to the Galapagos for her (my niece's) bat mitzvah gift. So we begged, via my broker, for them to let  her do the co-op interview via skype. My broker said they are considering it. Fingers crossed!

I really want to get this done because once we close, the current owners need two weeks to give notice to his employer and move out, and then I need at least a few days to get the floors re-done. And I'm absolutely desperate to get moved in over the summer, while I'm off from work. The sooner the better.

Sick Little Girl (Not That Sick)

Calliope's been sick for four days now. I took her to the pediatrician after 36 hours of fever because I figured that's what you are supposed to do with a febrile infant?

I don't know. It was pretty clear to me that it wasn't anything serious, but it's hard to see her feeling pretty miserable, and so I wanted someone else to take responsibility for her, too.

She got weighed at the doctor's and she was 17 pounds, 4 ounces, which is four ounces less than she was at her nine month well baby visit, six weeks ago. She hadn't been sick long at that point yesterday, so I think she was still down from the last time she was sick, earlier this month.

I think the fever may finally be gone, but she's just so damn fragile right now. Even when she's playing happily enough, the smallest hiccup can set her off again. Poor baby. She just can't handle any little frustration, including me wiping her nose, lying her down to change her diaper, a toy that she pushes up on tipping over, or most especially, someone other than me picking her up. God forbid.

If any of the above occur, she breaks down into nearly silent sobs, because her little voice is so hoarse. But huge tears immediately roll down her pale little face. It's all very tragic.

Even the beloved bathtub elicited tears when she went in, and again after about 15 minutes of playing. Everything just seems to wear her out.

She barely ate any solids on Thursday, and hasn't eaten any at all the last three days. She's nursing more often, including at least three times last night. Ugh! I just don't know what else to do for her when she wakes up miserable, but I really don't want to re-start a night feeding habit.

She's happiest when I'm sitting on the floor with her (or even better, lying down with a breast exposed -- she just discovered this awesome one tonight... I was lying there idly, hadn't tucked things away and she was playing and suddenly, there she was, latched on and sucking away... again...) and there's no one else here. No one to interfere with her plans, no one to pick her up (besides me), no one to overstimulate her. Attempts to go out are met with more tears.

Meanwhile, selfish Mommy is feeling a bit claustrophobic. I had friends crashing with me this weekend so they could attend a wedding in Manhattan. I was so grateful for their company! We went out for dinner on Friday night and out for early breakfasts on both Saturday and Sunday (today). While it was probably hard for Calliope to be out, it was great for me.

It's only the second day of my summer vacation and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. A sick baby plus really hot weather plus not much in the way of plans, since I had originally hoped to be traveling right now... Of course, things would be so much worse if we were traveling. And plans might well make things worse right now. It's just that staying home with her is hard. And I did go out for breakfast yesterday, and to breakfast and to a one year old's birthday party today (Calliope was the only other baby there), so I can't even say that I haven't been out. But still. All the nursing is a little wearing also. For the first time, I'm understanding that feeling new moms express about feeling "touched out."

This actually all reminds me of new motherhood quite a lot -- the frequent nursing, the constant need to be touch or be held, the unpredictable moods. Minus the offers of help that I had when Calliope was brand new. And plus the identity, this time as a full time mom (again)... or rather, a mom who is home full time. We are all full time moms!

Still, I'm feeling very, very aware of my single mother status right now. I rarely feel this way, but today I'm really wishing there was someone else I could pass her to. Usually I love being her favorite, but today it's overwhelming.

Update on Tired

I guess the reason I felt obligated to write a post about being tired -- um, hello boring topic! -- was that I just wasn't feeling like myself. I felt off. Off enough that it worried me. And logic seemed to dictate that fatigue was the reason. And I guess by naming it as such, I hoped it would be true.

I'm feeling a little better, but I'm still not sure that sleep deprivation is the cause of my world weariness.

Everyone keeps saying that it's the last week of work (before my summer off), and that's true, but then they say, "it must be crazy at work." And that's not true. It's been a slow wind down for sure. Worse this year than previous years, because I lacked any ambition. Including not attending even one of the three graduations this year. Sigh.

I hope more rest will help. I'm a little worried. Worried I won't feel better and I'll be a craptastic mother to poor Calliope for the next two months, who won't get a break from me all summer long.

In my defense -- not that any of you are worried -- I think I've actually been a pretty excellent mother thus far, no matter what else was going on with me. I'm sure this will not always be the case, so I try to appreciate it for now. As she gets older and more challenging -- temper tantrums and even just the ability to tell me what she really thinks of me spring to mind -- I'm sure I will likewise lose my temper, yell, do and say things I regret. But so far, apart from the less than tender bathing (after she pooped and then smeared it -- would that be schmeared in Brooklyn-speak? -- in the rug), which was really nothing, it hasn't happened yet. I know I should appreciate my tabula rasa of good parenting intentions.

Still, I worry because I want to enjoy it. Every minute of it. Or at the very least, not to slog through the summer.

My new boss offered me the opportunity to do a little administrative work over the summer, and I'm oddly excited by the idea. That I could work, from home I presume, and get a little break from Calliope by hiring a babysitter.... yet still physically be here to nurse her and put her to sleep and just watch her amazing, budding self... while not being responsible for stooping down to scoop her up, or arrange toys, or laboriously spoon purees into her hesitant mouth... not to mention a little infusion of cash.... yet not having to commute. It all sounds pretty amazing. Somehow the idea of taking a break to do work is oddly exciting.

One of the things I've been worried about is my not-so-new lack of enthusiasm about a job I've previously adored. I assume it was pregnancy (last year) and new motherhood (this year), but still, it scares me. I've always been a person who cared about work. It's important to my identity. So the idea of doing just a little bit of work, at my own pace, and from a different perspective -- creating documents that guide our clinical practices, instead of doing the actual clinical practice -- also feels like it might fire up my zeal for patient care again, come September.

The real estate thing is, I think, dragging me down substantially. Nothing has really gone wrong, so far, it's just dragging. It makes me kind of depressed to even think about it. Dealing with people's incompetence is frustrating.

Yesterday, I realized that one earlobe was minus my grandmother's diamond earring. I'm not sure which was more discouraging, the loss or that I might not even care that much.

I've been watching a TV show in the evening lately, on my laptop. I just crave the hour (or two) of escape so much. I've never been a TV watcher. Partly because I know it tends to affect my mood. The show I'm watching right now isn't even that good -- Army Wives -- it's just easy, and not so bad as to be more pain than pleasure. But I wonder if that intensified emotional rush that comes from engaging in a TV show is impacting my sense of weariness?

Tired

This past weekend, Calliope and I journeyed to Massachusetts to be present for my mother's bat mitzvah.

She never had a bat mitzvah as a teen -- back then, they weren't done for girls -- so now, at the ripe young age of 65, she made things right. Along with nine other "mature" candidates, she journeyed to the bimah for her chance to read from the Torah.

She also shared thoughts about her Torah passage in a wonderful essay about civil right and the current struggle of "Women of Wall" in Israel. I helped her develop the essay when she visited back in March, so I was extra proud of her. She has grown so much since my dad died of brain cancer 4 years ago, leaving her alone for the first time in her life -- she had moved from her parents' house to her husband's house at the age of 21. I'm very proud.

We flew to MA on Saturday morning -- I got up at 4:45 to make our flight, and in hindsight, that wasn't early enough. We made our flight, but only with a large portion of good luck. Who knew that JFK and Jet Blue would be absolutely jam packed at 7 am on a random Saturday? Our flight was delayed getting out because 15 turtles were ever so slowly crossing the runway.

And we returned yesterday, Sunday afternoon. Again, we cut it close for time (even though I didn't think I was) and again we were lucky. Our landing was scary, though. We were only a few hundred feet from touching ground when suddenly the engines roared and we abruptly soared up, away from the runway. The pilot reported a few minutes later that air traffic controllers has scheduled planes too close together, and that there was still a plane on the runway when we were about to touch down.

I made sure Calliope was tightly strapped into the baby carrier for the next, ultimately successful, attempt at landing.

So everything was fine, but I'm tired. I haven't been going to sleep early enough to combat Calliope's occasional night wakings. At least twice last week, I had to retreat to the couch after Calliope failed to go back to sleep on her own. The problem is that I typically huddle in bed for a good 45 minutes, hoping for the best and too sleepy to get up, before I admit to myself that things aren't going to change while I'm still in the room.

Being tired just colors everything in life. 

I'm feeling guilty and also just plain disoriented to [still] feel so checked out at work. Does the passion ever come back?

High school graduation is tonight. The kids who were in 8th grade the year I started this job will be walking along that stage at last. I've known some of them a long, long time.

And you know?

I just don't care.

Not that much, anyway. Not enough to pay for childcare and stay late after work to be here.

And I feel bad about that. But not bad enough to stay.

I also decided, based on how exhausting this weekend's travel was, not to go to California this summer. I'm vaguely disappointed, because I know I would love it if I went. I also feel guilty, for not living up to my promise of going. And I worry that it will be deathly hot here, and I will regret staying put.

But flying with an older babyis exhausting (it was wonderfully easy when she was little). Calliope refused to sleep in the baby carrier (or the stroller) this weekend for the first time. She cries when we are in the car for more than 30 minutes, max. She's otherwise completely delightful, and she doesn't usually cry when she's short on sleep, but it means that I am 100% "on" for many consecutive hours. 

She was very happy to crawl around and explore at the bat mitzvah and at my mom's house, but no one could pick her up if I was in sight -- she would immediately begin to wail and reach for me. It's nice to be loved, but it's tiring. I'm hoping this bout of separation anxiety will be over soon. The plane, of course, where there wasn't any family around, was especially tiring. Luckily she didn't struggle to get down, but I had to find new entertainment every three to five minutes. Plus, she kept kicking the nice man sitting next to us. Granted, a barefoot ten month old doesn't kick very hard, and she didn't have any clue what she was doing -- as far as she was concerned, she was just drumming her heels -- but still, I felt bad about it. Thank goodness a little girl one row back was fascinated by Calliope, and helped to keep her entertained. 

The apartment purchase continues to move forward, but is likewise exhausting. 

Work ends for the summer on Friday, but right now, being this tired, being home sounds exhausting also.

Last night I went to bed at 8:15 pm, and got up at 5 am to deal with unpacking. I'm glad I did, as I was far too tired to cope last night, but it meant that I didn't have time to exercise this morning. I know that that would be the kick in the pants that I need to feel more like myself today, but sometimes, I just can't do it all.

I have good news to report, though, in that my nipples are nearly healed. Hooray! That makes my life a lot easier.

And I'm thrilled that it does look like I will soon be an apartment owner, it's just the getting there that's stressful.

I'm still hoping and praying for Jen, who is now 21 weeks pregnant with her twins, and mourning for Claire's loss of her beloved companion, Levi. 

Googling "Nipple Shields," and Code Brown

The last few days, my nipples have started to hurt. I think it's from nursing a baby who is constantly getting new teeth. I can't exactly figure out the mechanism of injury, but I think her brand new canines are grazing my nipples when she nurses.

For the first time, I'm thinking about weaning.

I've always had an easy time nursing. Maybe there was a couple of days of discomfort in the very beginning -- I remember a painful white sore in the first few days. But I used nipple cream less than a handful of times, and that was all in Calliope's first week of life.

I've been incredibly blessed to have such an easy time. Plus, I don't know many women that have worked full time and still managed to produce enough to feed their babies exclusively breast milk, never mind having enough to share with another baby!

But now.... Oy. I emailed my pediatrician, who is also a lactation consultant, to ask what to do. She emailed me back to say, "try a nipple shield for a week."

I was sort of hoping she would say, "come over to my house and bring the baby and we will examine your latch."

Not quite as ludicrous as it sounds, as she did invite me over once, pre-baby, to discuss becoming an LC myself. But still, not in the realm of likely.

And since I took a personal day to stay home with Calliope yesterday so the nanny could go to traffic court for riding her bike on the sidewalk (ridiculous waste of her time and taxpayer, aka my dollars!), I can't take another day off to bring her in to the doctor's office when I have 7 days left of work before summer vacation. And this weekend we have to go to MA for my mom's bat mitzvah (yes, I know).

So that means: minimum ten days of discomfort/pain?

Ouch.

So nipple shields it is. Only Amazon can't get them here for 5 business days. So I'm going to have to take the bus to Park Slope tomorrow, most likely, to pick some up on my way home from work. Unless the baby store near me carries them and I can get there at lunchtime. Which means going for a long walk in the 97 degree heat at mid-day.

All sorts of awesome.

Now I just feel guilty that I'm sort of praying that Calliope sleeps late tomorrow so I can pump and not nurse in the morning.

This is not a feeling I've ever had before.

Okay, totally disjointed but here's tales from yesterday's day off together...

Ice cream with friends after the playground made for a tired, tired baby. Her diaper was dry all afternoon so after the potty I let her sit in the high chair bare bottom (even though she didn't pee when I put her on the potty). She peed in the highchair. Then, when I was dealing with washing the high chair cover and starting her bath while she played in the living room... she pooped on the rug! And then crawled through it, and smeared it into the rug!

Code brown!

Even though I had JUST offered the potty! 

I was mad at my baby!!!

And didn't even feel bad that she was crying in the tub because she was so tired and also confused because I just dumped her in the tub, rinsed, made her stand up, dumped out the tub, then refilled with water that was possibly too hot...  I was too mad to care. 

But then "nurses" made it all better for both of us. She was crying crying crying (i had the audacity to diaper and dress her after all that) but then 1 minute of nursing and she pulls off to give me the hugest toothy grin. She nursed a long time but kept pulling off to grin at me.

Then we went into the bedroom and I was so tired that i sat on the bed to sing our goodnight song instead of standing by the crib. And in the middle of snuggling and singing... she suddenly tipped herself upside down in my lap. When she was supposed to be getting sleepy.

I was so surprised I couldn't help it... I burst out laughing. Which of course made her ever so pleased with herself, and made her have to do it again and again. I kept trying to admonish her that "this isn't getting-ready-for-bed behavior" but I couldn't stop laughing long enough to lecture her.

Oh well. I'm sure there will be lectures aplenty in our future. 

Nine Month Photos from Amy (Prospect Park)