Movin' Right Along

While the list is long and daunting, I am making exciting progress towards moving to Mexico!

A few of my successes:

• Listed my apartment for rent. We've had two open houses and a few private appointments. No bites yet but it's still early... I may have to bring the price down eventually but I am holding off as long as possible. Each open house or appointment means leaving the house immaculate when we go out, of course. Luckily I have decluttered like crazy over the past six months and continue to do so, more slowly now that I have so much less stuff.
  
• Secured an apartment in San Miguel de Allende! It's a three bedroom, two bath place in San Antonio, a very mixed and popular neighborhood. It's close to where the girls will board the van to school so that's convenient. And my friend that saw it for me said it's amazing. I hope she's right!
  
• Took myself to the dentist for a cleaning. Always an anxiety producing event so I am glad to have that done. And today I even made another appointment with the dentist to get some sealants applied since my teeth are ground down and thus more vulnerable to cavities. But no cavities for now and none for a very long time, despite my anxiety.
  
• Set up appointments with two different moving companies to get quotes and already got an over-the-phone quote from a third who I have tentatively scheduled but may cancel.
  
• Requested the oral typhoid vaccine for myself and Calliope from our respective medical providers and made an appointment to take Amelie into the city to get her injectible typhoid vaccine (kids six and under can't have the oral version and the local pediatrician offices don't carry typhoid injections since it's not given in the standard vaccine schedule).
  
• Called the insurance company and confirmed that Calliope and I can get physicals even before 366 days have elapsed since our previous physicals. Then I scheduled both of our physicals.
  
• Got a quote for international health insurance. Are you ready for this? Eighteen hundred dollars for the YEAR for the three of us with a $500 deductible. Accidental injuries are 100% covered.
  Visits back to the States not included but coverage includes everywhere else in the world.
  
• Booked three ONE WAY tickets to Mexico!!!
  

There's lots more to do but I'm so excited to have accomplished so much. Unfortunately I can't start packing yet because I need the apartment to be as pristine as possible when showing it to prospective tenants but I will start that in mid July. 

Tomorrow I hope to finally speak with my HR manager -- we've been playing phone tag -- and officially submit my letter of resignation, effective August 30. By submitting it now I can hopefully help hire my replacement. I hope we can find someone terrific!

Denied!

I finally heard back from HR... and they denied my request for a year long leave of absence.

I have mixed emotions.

The first part of me is relief. Now there is no external pressure to come back to Brooklyn in a year. I think I'd like to be in Mexico for at least two year, possibly a lot longer... or forever. Now I won't feel any sort of urgency to come back. I won't feel like I'm letting anyone down if I decide not to come back in a year. I make my decision to leave and that's it. No more decisions to make about this job.

The second part of me is sadness. I've been at this job eleven years. I had never been at a job for more than eighteen months before! I've been happy here. I started here as an ambitious new graduate with lots of big plans. Now I'm a bit jaded and a lot tired. It's time to move on. But I'll be sad to say goodbye to the many wonderful teachers and families I've known here and the children I've watched grow up.

I thought the third part was fear, of letting go of the security of this safe job. But it's not true. I'm not afraid. I worry about how much harder another job will be when we come back, when (and if) my children are in this building and I'm working elswhere... but that sounds so far away that I'm not really worried about it yet. I can't worry about it.

I'll wait for August to send in my resignation letter because many of my colleagues were cheated out of their pro-rated summer salary (money withheld from their paychecks during the school year). Which is too bad because it means they can't post my job position until then, most likely, due to union rules. My medical director is my friend so I'll tell her informally this week though she is already expecting the news. Still, I wish for the clinic's sake that they could know officially now so they could hire someone fabulous to be my replacement, ready to start on September first.

Mexico, here we come!

Burned Out?

You know how people complain that on Facebook, everyone else's life looks perfect and no one shares the hard stuff?

This is not like that.

Guys, I'm so weary. I don't know if I am fighting off an illness -- Amelie has had a fever for three days. Maybe I'm catching it. I couldn't eat dinner last night, so it might have been that... or it could have been too much trail mix mid afternoon.

I worry I am not cut out to parent two children.

I stayed home with Amelie yesterday since she was sick (though she seems almost herself when the Motrin is working) and I was endlessly patient with her through the frequent meltdowns, easily remembering that she wasn't feeling well and feeling lots of sympathy.

But then sweet Calliope came home and everything she did -- AND everything Amelie did -- just worked my last nerve.

We had gone to a neighbor's apartment on the same floor to pick up some soup the neighbor made for Amelie (how sweet is that???) and Calliope went into the apartment a minute or two before me. I was carrying the steaming hot soup so I yelled Calliope's name through the door and rang the doorbell. No ansswer. Despite multiple attempts.

Finally I juggled the soup and other food and managed to open the door (yes, I could have set the soup down on the floor), spilling a little hot soup on myself. I got into the apartment, set down the soup, and fully laid into Calliope. SCREAMING with her. Months of frustration about how she never, ever hears me when I call her name came pouring out. I didn't actually mention those times but the extreme anger reflected it.

And you know, it felt really good. Which is terrible, I know. But my god. It is so frustrating to have someone never ever hear you.

And it makes me think, too, that maybe her teacher is onto something when she says she's worried about Calliope's ability to focus.

This morning it was hard to get her out of bed. Once she was finally up, though, she did well at her "morning jobs" since she puts the next day's clothes in the bathroom the night before. She finished early and went to play. Five minutes before we were due to leave, I told her to put away the toys. She took about five minutes to put five plastic animals into a bin sitting right next to her. Then, at the time she was supposed to put on her shoes, disappeared into the bathroom.

FURY on my part. As I am scurrying around making your lunch, your breakfast, my breakfast, my tea... you decide to go make a nice long trip to the bathroom just as I am finishing up? God forbid you use your playtime for that.

So I yelled a bunch more.

I know what this is about. It's been constant, for months now. Staging an apartment, selling an apartment, renovating an apartment, moving to the new apartment, unpacking the new apartment, staging the new apartment, downsizing our belonging in preparation for packing up and moving. So many high pressure deadlines.

I am just tired. I worry that this is middle age creeping up on me but maybe it's just too much. Adrenal fatigue, some call it.

I'm trying to be good and schedule the every other Friday night out and god knows they feel great while they are happening... but the next day I am even more exhausted because I often go to bed too late after such a night. And right now I'm extra tired because of interrupted sleep with Amelie being sick -- I've slept with my door open so I hear every whimper and vault out of bed at the first sound. (I'm a bit paranoid about anyone puking in her bed.)

I just arranged for the sitter to come again this Friday night and this time, I am planning to go to the movies by myself. To try to just really tune in to my own needs.

I successfully pushed through a pile of mail on my desk and checked a few more items off my to do list... the list is never ending.

I don't have a good way to wrap this up with a bow but I thought it might be helpful to say that sometimes this parenting gig is really, really hard. I feel like I am really doing a not-great job right now and I worry I am doing permanent damage to my kids. I hope not. I apologize after the fact. But I want to be better.

We Are Doing It

We had a fabulous time in Mexico. And, you guys, we are doing it. We are moving to Mexico!

The second week of our trip the girls spent three full days at the Waldorf school. Amelie didn't say much but Calliope loved it. After the second day she said she was sad to be leaving. This is high praise from a quiet kid who is "slow to warm up."

I met with the teacher and administrator the last day and they felt my girls fit in beautifully. The teacher said she didn't see any signs of processing issues with Calliope. She had no concerns.

(Oh yes, I never got around to sharing this fun tidbit... in Calliope's winter progress report and in the parent teacher conference, her teacher and the reading specialist both expressed concerns that she's a bit behind where they expect her to be. Not a lot, just a little. And she has trouble following directions. That part was not a huge shock to me since she has trouble with verbal instructions at home, too. There was some wondering about an auditory processing disorder.

But still. It was unexpectedly devastating to be told there's something wrong with my perfectly imperfect child. My sensitive, creative, dreamy little bird.

I scurried about making phone calls, requesting evaluations, mourning.

And then I stopped. And started to get mad.

This school told me not to worry about reading in kindergarten. Told me to focus on play. And reading aloud to her. And promptly assessed her reading at the beginning of first grade and found her lacking.

What. The. Fork.

Screw you. There's nothing wrong with my kiddo. She's on the more sensitive side. She needs things explained more than one way. She doesn't do well, sometimes, with one teacher to twenty-six children. She has more interesting things to think about than science. Like unicorns.

So this is one more reason to embrace Waldorf. Calliope commented that they had so much time and so few things to do. No more racing from task to task.

And one teacher for fifteen children. And two hours of outdoor time a day. And lots of art and music.

And oh, the tuition for both girls, full time, is under $500/month.

But it's not just about the girls. I'm so burned out on my job. I just made my 11 year anniversary. I'm tired. The children are wonderful but the political stuff is exhausting. And I'm tired of always scrambling. Of not being present with my girls. Of not having money put into my GD pension.Of not getting a raise since 2011.

I signed a contract with my real estate broker last night for her to rent out my apartment. The hope is that I make enough in rental income that I can live on the proceeds. Fingers crossed.

I have a job prospect in Mexico, too, but hope that I can take some time to just be for a while. To wait for the hunger to do more.

We start showing the apartment in a week or two. Photos to be taken next week. I'm trying to make peace with it not looking perfect.

In the meantime, I have a long list of things to accomplish. I have to get international health insurance (suprisingly cheap) and a virtual mailbox (they open mail for me and scan me the contents, not as cheap) and cancel every paper bill and catalog. We have to get typhoid vaccines and go to the dentist and to the doctor to get physicals and downsize downsize downsize. And how on earth am I going to get my curly hair cut in Mexico???

Trying to figure out what to bring with us will be a challenging logistical puzzle. I'm already working on it in my head. I'll have two weeks with the girls in daycamp to pack up our suitcases and get everything else into boxes and into storage. And sell my car. July will be an adventure for sure.

We leave for Mexico on or about August 1st.

We Are (Mostly) Moved In

I took last Friday off and spent the three days moving us into our new apartment, two floors down from our former home.

It was chaotic and I had a lot of paid help but we are getting close to unpacked. Whew! Exhausting work.

The move had been postponed twice but that turned out to be fortuitious because all three of us got a horrible stomach bug in Jamaica (amazing SMC trip!) and there was no way I could have muscled through the recovery period when we got back.

The house is still kind of a mess and these photos don't do it justice but if I don't post now while I am still so excited, I may never remember to do it.

I'm loving it so much... and yet Mexico is constantly in my thoughts.

This counter top (quartz, with a faint grey thread you can't really see here) and backsplash
still make my heart skip a beat when I see them. I never dreamed I would get to design my
own kitchen one day!

My beautiful kitchen (and beautiful child for scale) 

Also never imagined I would pick paint colors (other than white) and crown molding!

So fancy with my recessed lighting

Master bath isn't quite done yet, obviously, but loving my tile and the rain forest shower head.
Glass shower door arriving soon. (And the blue stuff will be pulled off the vanity.) 

My peaceful bedroom. The shelves in the corner (and the plastic bins) will (hopefully) go
away once I am finished upacking and the living room cabinetry is completed.
So happy about the canvas hung over my bed, at last. 

Taking the Leap

It turns out that I misunderstood my boss... they aren't planning to lay off my medical assistant. Phew! I got that news a week later.

But since then... They did lay off our administrator (he was terrible and deserved to go... but how will they manage the program without someone to steer the ship?) and a nurse practitioner at the one site that had two nurse practitioners (and the only one non-unionized so there was no issue of her "bumping" another NP out of her job) and a front desk person there (because, again, the only site with two). And in two months our billing person will go. That seems very concerning since she chases all our incoming revenue. How will our income drop without someone to hound the insurance companies for the money they owe us? Supposedly the medical assistants will be trained in some of this work but I am dubious... they already are busy with the work they do in the clinics.

In any case... I realized that despite the good news about my medical assistant, I had gotten really excited about Mexico. Unlike last time, when I was overcome with anxiety about the long list of things to figure out, I am excited (if still daunted) by the adventure.

Since my last post, I've booked flights to Mexico in April, arranged visits at two different schools there (one is a full three day visit for both my girls), set up an Airbandb (with a pool, a huge win when traveling to a new place with few toys), scheduled a tour of a place I might like to work, and booked a babysitter! Not too shabby.

I'm trying not to make any firm commitments until after this, our second visit to San Miguel de Allende, and especially until I've seen the schools but... I realized on Friday (while speaking in Spanish to my pedicurist!) that my heart as decided. We are going to Mexico next year! (Short of some disastrous experience in Mexico or something else going terribly wrong.)

I asked my medical director for her support in my asking HR for a leave of absence and she readily agreed, which is wonderful. I haven't officially requested a LOA yet but she emailed HR on my behalf (not specifying who she was asking for) and HR didn't seem to hate the idea... said it would be considered, and decided upon by a bunch of factors. So fingers crossed it might work out... but I might not want to come back after a year! And I might not want to come back to this job. I'm pretty tired of the many ways it is broken, even while I still love the patient care (and feel pretty good at it).

In the meantime... we move downstairs to our new-to-use, newly remodeled, apartment in a week! I can't fathom how our contractor is going to get everything done but he continues to assure me that it will be ready. I finally mentioned the idea to Amelie today for the first time. It's still so messy down there that it's hard to explain to her that that will be our home.

I'm anxious about all the work ahead of me -- I'm not packing at all, just hiring guys to carry things downstairs and put them away -- but also SO excited to have a beautiful home that I got to design myself! It feels like I dream I never dared to have. I never thought it would be in my reach. And it seems nuts to leave it behind so quickly to move to Mexico but it would be more crazy to stay here and miss out on the adventure of a lifetime because of a mere apartment.

I'm so excited to be taking the leap! I know that I if I skipped it because of fear I would regret it for the rest of my life. The time to do this is now.

Work News?

We've been preparing for a once-every-three-years state inspection recently, which has meant long hours and general misery, doing lots of extra paper work and trying to make the clinic look a lot more polished than it actually is. I like to think I provide high quality clinical care but the actual setting is pretty shoddy. Hopefully families don't notice it and see our space as just another room in a very old school building.

Anyway, while speaking with my medical director about our preparations, she let it slip that the hospital is considering laying off our medical assistants! This would mean that in addition to seeing patients and the hundred layers of documentation involved with seeing patients in a school health program (ie without help), I would also be expected to pull charts, greet patients, submit billing forms, take temperatures, treat boo-boos (I see all the serious injuries and every single head injury, no matter how minor, but she handles the bumped shins and minorly scraped elbows), order supplies, make ice packs, handle school forms...

Basically, a single day working solo makes me want to poke my eye out.

So I told my boss -- I think I've found my line in the sand. If she goes, I go.

I should also mention that my medical assistant is amazing, the best I've ever had, and I'm loyal to her. But working solo would be sheer misery and a disservice to my patients.

I was fuming all afternoon about our conversation... but a few hours later I had a change of heart. I started to feel LUCKY that I had found my limit.

I have always been afraid of leaving this job because I wanted my children in this school,

But a week prior, I had dinner with a close friend who is retiring. As he talked about his upcoming travel plans, I felt a wave of envy. I wanted to travel and explore too.... but I didn't want to wait until I retire, and then travel alone. I want to go NOW. With my girls. While they are still young enough to want to travel with me.

And then I started to think about a Waldorf School I had heard about in Mexico. I had thought it was too far outside of town to be a viable option... but I suddenly realized that this was surely a solveable problem. My nephew just switched to a Waldorf school in his town and his whole family is thrilled with their experience. I went to the school's Facebook page and found the contact info for an American parent with a child in the school and started messaging back and forth with her.

I'm now really, really excited about the prospect of moving. I mentioned this school to Calliope (without mentioning anything about my job) and she immediately jumped up and down and squealed "Ooh, I want to go!" (The school is based on a farm and she is enchanted with the idea of farming... she wants to be a farmer and live in a treehouse when she grows up.)

I've committed to contacting the school and arranging a visit. They require a three day visit for the child so the teacher can assess her. I won't make any other plans until we make the visit. But just committing to a trip to Mexico before the summer is a very big step.

If my employer decides not to lay off our medical assistants... then I have an even bigger decision to make.

Our funding is still not assured for next year. We got a one year reprieve this year. We have a lot of political support now and things look promising but there are no guarantees. I'm tired of the uncertainty and feeling like we are constantly operating on a shoestring. I know my boss is tired of the politics and will be hiring her replacement soon, and I don't know what that person will be like. This will be my fourth medical director in eleven years.

And if I could not work at all for a while... why wouldn't I choose that? (I think.)

I don't think I would be happy not working for long -- though perhaps if I stepped off the treadmill of life I would surprise myself! -- but I have an amazing job opportunity down there. My ideal would be to take three months to get us settled and to take Spanish classes and exercise classes and just be very available for the kids... and then gradually get involved with this non profit down there. Of course, I might hate it. I don't know enough yet. I will visit when we go in April to check out the school. But it sounds amazing.

I hate the idea of renting out my brand new apartment (I did mention that I bought an apartment downstairs, right? And that I'm currently renovating it and am in contract to sell my "old" place?) But on the other hand, that's not a reason to stay. And I could live on what I make renting the place. And next year is my last year of having to pay for full time child care for Amelie... one more year of living in the red every single month. Why not not work that year?

Of course... what if I love it there and never want to come back? Or what if I am miserable (or the kids are) and I want to come back after three months and can't? (I guess I can always get a sublet back in Brooklyn, right?)

Many things to think about!