Thursday, January 27, 2011

Do You Like Boobs a Lot?

"Do you like boobs a lot?"

"Yes, I like boobs a lot!"

"Why do you like boobs a lot?"

"'Cause I like boobs a lot!"

This little ditty, if it can fairly be called that, was taught to me by my cousin Bonnie at the ripe old age of, I don't know, six? My younger brother and thought it was hysterically funny.

Don't ask me why, but it has stuck with me all these years. And now, it keeps coming into my head because when I woke up yesterday, I swear to god, my boobs were noticeably bigger compared to the previous day. My belly had also grown overnight.

My belly felt sort of like a balloon, stretched tight, so I don't know if that change was permanent or just bloating.

But the boobs, they were, for real, bigger.

They've been a bit of an issue for me for a while now. I was a 34D before I got pregnant. Not the most common size in the world, but not that rare, either. So once when the chest started growing with pregnancy, I didn't predict any problems finding a new bra.

My medical assistant kindly offered to go shopping with me as she knows how much I loathe shopping. I worried that I was taking advantage or doing something weird with boundaries by taking her up on her offer (please, offer feedback if you have any!) but I really didn't think I would go without someone there, forcing me. So off we went.

Target had nothing in my size. And I refuse to go to Victoria's Secret, where I normally shop, as I don't want to spend a lot on a bra that probably won't fit for long. (And to clarify, I don't shop for bras at VS because I want to be some sexy, silky thing... not for everyday use, thank you... it's just that their bras fit me. And they completely prevent nipple show-through, which is something I care about, working with adolescent boys. It's uncomfortable for everyone when my young patients get erections during their checkups.... I try to minimize the odds of this happening.)

So anyway, Target had nothing in a DD. Which seemed weird to me. Where to all the slightly-larger-than-average women, not to mention the pregnant ones, shop? Then I had an inspiration... Motherhood Maternity! Their stuff is pretty cheap, and the fact that their bras are also nursing bras seems handy... there's at least a chance that a bra now might fit during the days (months? years?) of nursing. So off we went.

And Motherhood did have bras in my size. But nothing fit right. One of them, I kid you not, the saleswoman raved about as being so comfortable that she owned three of them. And she was in her sixties. Granted, it was one of their rare non-nursing bras... but still. It seems a little odd to me to buy your bras in a pregnancy store when you are well past menopause. But, hey, glad you found something that works. But this particular bra had this weird brocade (I think that's what you call it) that totally showed through when wearing a shirt over it, as opposed to a sweater.

Finally, I found one more bra on the racks, one I hadn't tried on yet. And it fit! Well, pretty much. It was not what they call "full coverage," which my medical assistant recommended. (Oh, and to clarify, she did not see me in any bras without a shirt on over them. That was how I decided to manage boundaries.) But it seemed okay. And it was a nursing bra, which was good. And it had total nipple show-through protection. For $20. Size 36E.... which sounds scary to me, but I've since learned that DD = E (and DDD = F. Who knew?) and I was really ready to leave.

Sweet! Off we went. I was fully relieved... I'd been having nightmares of having to go to another store. Have I mentioned that I HATE shopping?

Well, since I've gotten home, I've learned why that full coverage cut is so important. Less than "full coverage" means that you get more cleavage going on. Which, in my case, means that my breasts sort of ooze over the cups a bit in the lower half of the bra, while the upper half remains quite empty. This causes that gross cleavage effect that you can see through shirts, that squished-up-your-bra-is-too-tight look that we all know and love.

Crap. I've been trying to fake it by wearing the band too loose. And as long as I don't cross my arms too tightly across my chest, it seems to be sort of okay. Not TOO obvious.

But the growing breasts... I think they are demanding another trip. To a better, more expensive bra store.


Have I mentioned that in addition to hating shopping, finances still seem unbelievably tight, post fertility-treatments? Such that I wasn't really looking to go in another new, undoubtedly more expensive, bra?

I was going to go bra shopping today after work... but instead we got a whole bunch of snow, and NYC schools were cancelled. And no one has seen my breasts at all, or the rest of me, for that matter, so another day where I didn't have to deal with the bra issue. Yay!

Happy snow day, fellow northeasterners!

(here's a photo of me, taken two days later. I'm slightly horrified. The boobs are ginormous. They were bumping the women on either side of me, which was scary. And you can see the belly starting to poke out, just above the crease in my sweater. Taking bets on when people will be able to reliably guess that I am pregnant? Posting on body issues to follow shortly... it's still germinating)