Monday, January 31, 2011

A very scary, pregnant (I hope!) pause

I went to the midwife today for my second visit with her (before that I saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist, aka the Fertility Doctor, weekly.... weekly worked so WELL for me and my anxious mind!).

Anyway, I was thrilled when she wanted to check for the heartbeat. I wasn't sure if that was a standard thing to do or not... and, as I said, this girl gets anxious! Especially since I complained about my belly a few days ago on here... and then noticed my belly looked smaller the next day. Paranoia.

So she just kept searching, and searching... and nothing. And this was after she found it on the last visit, when it "should" have been too early (uterus too low for doppler at only 9 weeks... only my uterus, happily, tips forward and thus cooperated). I started to get more and more anxious. Started imagining how I would go straight to the ER, and that I would just have to call in sick tomorrow if something bad happened... but that I couldn't call in sick tomorrow, because I've arranged for the Department of Health to come in and offer gonorrhea and chlamydia testing to all the high school students... so I can't miss that. So I guess I'll just come in and look really grim. That would be okay, right?

Then, FINALLY, just for a few seconds, we heard the heartbeat. Faintly, to my ears, but absolutely there. I heaved a sigh of relief and my eyes got wet.

I still worry, all the time, that I don't "deserve" to have this easy (relatively) pregnancy without something terrible going wrong.

Thank goodness I was wrong this time.  


  1. Just a thought about "deserving" - of course you deserve a good, normal, healthy pregnancy! Anyone who actively tries to have a baby does, and that's what most women get. No one ever deserves the bad stuff.

    You worked hard for this baby - you went out and followed your dream, faced your fears and went for it. You DESERVE the happy ending! :)

  2. Oh that is so stressful, I am glad that you finally heard the heartbeat. I agree you do DESERVE a happy pregnancy and healthy newborn!