I'm Struggling

It could be worse. Always. I'm okay, sort of. I'm holding on, mostly.

But yesterday I kept finding myself sniveling into a tissue. And I'm really not a crier.

Which brings me to the first issue at hand: PMS. As in, I'm not pregnant. I couldn't bear to take a pregnancy test yesterday, but I took three the preceding two days and they were all negative. I didn't exactly feel pregnant, but I had had some pelvic twinges, so I hadn't given up hope with the first BFN. But now I can't bear to see another one so I'm just holding out for my beta later this morning.

Calliope is coming with me for the beta, because after I'm done with that, we are going to see her doctor. Well, a different doctor in the practice, which at this moment, feels hard too. Because I sent her a tearful email yesterday and she actually texted me and then called me from her cell phone on her walk home from the subway. To be clear, I think she was much more concerned about me than about Calliope -- I guess my email sounded desperate? I didn't mean it too, just said I felt panicked for the following reasons.

Calliope has been limping for nearly two weeks now. I didn't think much of it at first. After a couple days, I checked for ingrown toenails and didn't find anything. A few days later, I palpated her entire foot and leg for any sign of tenderness. Nothing. A few days ago, I insisted she swap out her flip flops (with ankle strap) for her more supportive sandals. No change.

And then yesterday, it was noticeably worse. And suddenly, I panicked. Worrying about Lyme Disease, and neuromuscular disease.\

Fellow SMC "Beans" suggested transient synovitis. My pediatrician didn't think it was that but hopefully we will get some non-scary ideas today. But I'm scared.

Plus she's been having tons of pee accidents lately. Ten months after training. And seems totally shocked when they happen. Not like her.

Next challenge is lice. I discovered that I had them on Friday. My very close SMC friends downstairs have had them for a month, so I'm pretty positive I know where they came from. I think my friend didn't realize how small the eggs were, and kept missing some? And the olive oil treatment alone wasn't enough? I don't know. I did a good job of not being angry with her. But it was sure unfortunate. Because we had to stay home all weekend and comb and comb and comb. And douse our hair in two different treatments, one olive oil and one Ceta.phil.

Which was especially a bummer because we were supposed to visit Calliope's surrogate grandmother in CT, my mom's best friend. Who has suddenly become an important person in my liife.

Because, finally, my mom died. Almost three weeks ago. At home, peacefully. I was not there. I said my goodbyes several times, including the previous weekend. Calliope kissed her Grammy goodbye as well.

So this is why I have dirty dishes scattered around my kitchen. Every little thing felt just too damn hard.

Hoping for some good news today. For Calliope, at least.