Wednesday, June 18, 2014

I'm Struggling

It could be worse. Always. I'm okay, sort of. I'm holding on, mostly.

But yesterday I kept finding myself sniveling into a tissue. And I'm really not a crier.

Which brings me to the first issue at hand: PMS. As in, I'm not pregnant. I couldn't bear to take a pregnancy test yesterday, but I took three the preceding two days and they were all negative. I didn't exactly feel pregnant, but I had had some pelvic twinges, so I hadn't given up hope with the first BFN. But now I can't bear to see another one so I'm just holding out for my beta later this morning.

Calliope is coming with me for the beta, because after I'm done with that, we are going to see her doctor. Well, a different doctor in the practice, which at this moment, feels hard too. Because I sent her a tearful email yesterday and she actually texted me and then called me from her cell phone on her walk home from the subway. To be clear, I think she was much more concerned about me than about Calliope -- I guess my email sounded desperate? I didn't mean it too, just said I felt panicked for the following reasons.

Calliope has been limping for nearly two weeks now. I didn't think much of it at first. After a couple days, I checked for ingrown toenails and didn't find anything. A few days later, I palpated her entire foot and leg for any sign of tenderness. Nothing. A few days ago, I insisted she swap out her flip flops (with ankle strap) for her more supportive sandals. No change.

And then yesterday, it was noticeably worse. And suddenly, I panicked. Worrying about Lyme Disease, and neuromuscular disease.\

Fellow SMC "Beans" suggested transient synovitis. My pediatrician didn't think it was that but hopefully we will get some non-scary ideas today. But I'm scared.

Plus she's been having tons of pee accidents lately. Ten months after training. And seems totally shocked when they happen. Not like her.

Next challenge is lice. I discovered that I had them on Friday. My very close SMC friends downstairs have had them for a month, so I'm pretty positive I know where they came from. I think my friend didn't realize how small the eggs were, and kept missing some? And the olive oil treatment alone wasn't enough? I don't know. I did a good job of not being angry with her. But it was sure unfortunate. Because we had to stay home all weekend and comb and comb and comb. And douse our hair in two different treatments, one olive oil and one Ceta.phil.

Which was especially a bummer because we were supposed to visit Calliope's surrogate grandmother in CT, my mom's best friend. Who has suddenly become an important person in my liife.

Because, finally, my mom died. Almost three weeks ago. At home, peacefully. I was not there. I said my goodbyes several times, including the previous weekend. Calliope kissed her Grammy goodbye as well.

So this is why I have dirty dishes scattered around my kitchen. Every little thing felt just too damn hard.

Hoping for some good news today. For Calliope, at least.


  1. Oh, Abby, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. Even someone's going peacefully leaves huge ache for those who are left. No wonder you feel a bit frantic. I hope that Calliope is fine. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers through this rough time.

  2. Abby...I am so deeply sorry. I was afraid for why you'd been quiet. The weight of it all must be crushing.Thinking of you & wishing I had better words to bring you comfort & peace.

  3. So sorry. I'm sure it seems like everything is just happeneing at once. Hope your beta results are pleasantly surprising, but whether they are or not, know that you are being thought of.

  4. I am very sorry to hear of your mother dying, Abby. I can imagine you are feeling a lot of emotions and sadness right now. And of course you don't have energy for cleaning - I hope a local friend might come help you out with that? Sending much care and good wishes for Calliope's limp to be figured out and easily treated.

  5. I'm so sorry that this is such a rough time for you. I've been thinking about you and a little worried. Sorry to hear about your mom. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and Calliope.

  6. Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and for everything else that's going on. It sounds like such a stressful time. Hugs from across the country headed your way :)

  7. Abby, I am so very sorry. My gosh. What a terrible blow. I, too, was fearing that things had taken a turn when you weren't posting for these past weeks. I just can't imagine your state of mind right now. I, too, hope that someone local could come over and help you with whatever minor stressors can be alleviated? Good luck with your Beta, and I hope that if it isn't a BFP you are not too crushed, given all you are dealing with. *hugs* for you and Calliope.

    Tara K.

  8. I am so very sorry to hear about your mom. Just that alone is overwhelming. But then add everything else you have going on? It's just too much to deal with on your own. Sending you much love and virtual hugs and wishing I could do more than that.

    Please update us as soon as you have more info about what's going on with Calliope!

  9. Oh so sorry about your mom. I've been wondering how things were going. Seems like you have a lot going on! Hugs and warm thoughts coming your way!

  10. I'm so sorry to read all this. Just crappy all around. Hoping at least your medical news is good.

  11. So sad. This will slowly all feel better. Best wishes. Stay strong.

  12. I am so sorry to hear your news. I've been thinking of you and wondering how things were going. You are so strong but i know losing a loved one especially a parent changes everything. I wish I could offer help or some phrase to make it easier for you. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. OH Abby, I am so so sorry that you lost your mom. Hugs to you. Take good care of yourself. And to have the BFN and Calliope's scare and lice now - hell no, that's not ok. Rest, take good care of yourself, do what you can to laugh. Sending peace and love to you and Calliope.

  14. Oh Abby I have been wondering about you and your mom. I am so sorry to hear the news that she has gone. Biggest love to you and calliope x

  15. Oh Abby... I'm so very, very sorry.

    I hope you and Calliope were able to make some good memories with your mom before she died.

    I'll be thinking about you. May her memory be a blessing.