Wednesday, June 18, 2014

She's Okay

We went to the pediatrician today so, naturally, her limp was practically gone. She wouldn't stand balance on her right foot, even with assistance, but otherwise was barely favoring one leg over the other. It did seem like she was walking way more on the inside of her feet than I remember, but you know, I never focused on her gait so much before. And too, she was very aware we were watching her, and wouldn't walk normally.

Miracle of miracles, Calliope succeeded in peeing in a cup, so the doctor said her urine looked normal but sent it to the lab to be cultured to confirm that she doesn't have a urinary tract infection to explain the recent frequent accidents.

Happily, today there were no accidents except for her diaper being wet at nap time. She doesn't ordinarily even wear a diaper for naps (and was, briefly, dry at nights a few months back) but we are taking extra precautions nowadays.

In less happy news, I am definitely not pregnant.

Yesterday was really hard. I was awfully sad. I'm much better today.

See, these weren't IUIs. These were PGS tested (chromosomes counted), five day old blasts from my 35 year old eggs, harvested from the same cycle that resulted in Calliope's birth. So each one of these blasts had something like 70-80% odds. So for two cycles (each with one blast) to fail is impressive odds.

It never occurred to me that with nine frozen blasts, I would ever have to worry. But the RE at the lab assured me they have a 98% success rate in thawing blasts for PGS and then refreezing them. But I lost five blasts out of nine just in the thawing. Of the four remaining, three were chromosomally normal. I've used two. I have one left. And now I'm left wondering if these blasts really aren't healthy, after all that thawing and re-freezing, after all.

So I'm planning to do a fresh IVF cycle.

The good news is, well, first, I'm done waiting for an answer from this cycle. That's a blessed relief.

But the bigger piece of good news is that I've decided to let go of the illusion of control. The idea of not getting to experience this miraculous unfolding of a human being again is staggering. The idea of not providing a sibling to Calliope is sobering.

But that doesn't mean I can mentally insist that I magically conceive and carry a healthy child to term. I can hope, I can take lots of medications and undergo medical procedures... but at the end of the day, it's not up to me.

All I can do is decide, today, what I am willing to do. Today, I am willing to undergo IVF. So I will act accordingly. And at some point, I may decide that I've had enough. And then I can decide to stop and re-assess. I can look into donor eggs, or foster care, or adoption. Or I can decide to content myself with my one fabulous, practically perfect child who is here in the now, not stopping her own miraculous unfolding as I busy myself with imaginings of her sibling.

So that's my plan. Let go and let the universe.

She loved how her hair looked after a Ceta.phil lice treatment


  1. I'm so glad to hear that your sweet girl is ok. I'm deeply sorry for all that you have been through the past few weeks. I just hope that very soon you will be cuddling two sweet babes, no matter how the universe delivers #2 into your life. <3

  2. So glad Calliope is ok!

    I'm sorry for your BFN. Your perspective is definitely a good one. Hoping for good things coming to you soon.

  3. Glad to hear Calliope is doing better. Sorry to hear about the BFN, but it sounds like you have a good outlook on where to go from here.

  4. She is gorgeous. Good luck to you Abby - I'm rooting for you!

  5. What a beautiful picture. Glad you have regained some of your zen, in this hard to navigate time period. I wish you two all the best, no matter what happens with the TTC #2.

  6. Oh, I'm so relieved she's ok. I know all the things you were imagining as you worried - so so so glad she's ok.

    Very sorry about your BFN. I really like your attitude now, though. (Though seriously, why does TTC have to be so damn hard?)

  7. So much going on for you right now! Happy calliope is ok but sad about your bfn. For what it's worth I think you are doing an amazing job to hold it together and think so rationally about it all. Good luck with the ivf