Abandoning the Fantasy

So I looked up that guy I used to date, HJ, on Facebook. We broke up -- I ended things -- in December of ?2013, I guess, because he just seemed emotionally scattered and I could see he needed to focus on getting his divorced finalized before really being present in a relationship. Or else he was just kind of a weird, vague guy who was kind of annoying to be around. Either way, it wasn't working for me and I was rapidly losing interest. I hoped that by ending things then, I wasn't past the point of no return with regards to my feelings for him. I'm not sure if I succeeded. I really didn't have much interest in talking to him for a long, long time.

What I was interested in, however, was being pregnant. On my own. Not with him, despite his many offers. And so, soon after our break up, I started TTC'ing and maybe four months later I was pregnant with my Amelie. He came to visit once, a few months into the pregnancy, and I very clearly didn't want him to touch me.

He texted me last spring, a photo of his divorce decree, and said he was really sorry the timing didn't work out for us. I sent him back a cheery "congratulations!" and that was that. I didn't want to get into it with him.

But about the time I weaned Amelie, well, I started to get interested in the idea of the occasional light hearted date. And he's the only guy I know who I find attractive. It takes me a while to get interested in anybody, and it hasn't happened at all since I first started down the SMC path. So he seemed like the logical person.

We sent some flirtatious texts last spring and at some point he grudgingly admitted he was seeing someone, though it didn't sound serious yet. We mostly stopped texting at that point, with a few flirty texts this fall, though far more breezy than last time.

I finally looked him up on FB (I "hid" his posts years ago because I found them exasperating... which gives you a sense of how I was feeling about him) and I saw him and a woman referring to each other as "babe," and a post where she crowed that she finally got him to put down roots by buying a house near her (not with her, I noted).

And I was disappointed.

But what I realized is that far more disappointing than the lack of the occasional date -- which is all I think I want -- is abandoning the fantasy that he offered me of having another child. I can't see having another child as an SMC. No way, no how. I am spread thin enough as it is. I would very clearly not be a good parent to a third child.

But as long as he was at least somewhat available, I could still entertain the vague fantasy that I could have a third child with him. Maybe be a SAHM, lavish attention on my two girls as well as this newest baby, quit the unpleasantness of rushing through life while I work full time and raise these two current girls of mine.

I'm realizing that giving up this fantasy is hard work. It's the only part of donating to Leslie that is giving me pause. That and wondering what if that very Terrible Thing Happened, the Worst Thing Imaginable, if I would want to start over and have another baby. But that's crazy, right? You can't start over, right? And even if I could be with this guy, or someone else, I'm not going to have another baby.

Why is that so very hard to swallow, even while I know I wouldn't be a good parent to a third child???