More Questions About Grammy

Calliope, looking at the two bathrobes hanging in my bathroom, "Mommy, you have a purple bathrobe now."

Me, "Yes, that's right. Grammy didn't need hers anymore so I took it."

Calliope, "So Grammy will have the blue one?"

Me, "No, Grammy doesn't need a bathrobe because she died."

Calliope, "So when people die, do they need a bathing suit?"

Me, "No, when people die, they don't need clothes any more."

Calliope, wide eyed, "So people have to die naked?"

Me, "....No, they don't have to die naked." Stumbling. My heart in my stomach. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to tell her about people wearing clothes to go into caskets, but not needing extra changes of clothes since they are decomposing in the ground. And I can't tell her about heaven because I'm not a believer.

I scramble for thought for a minute while I continue getting dressed.

Finally... Me, "When a person dies, their body stops working. So they don't clothes any more, and they don't eat food any more. We can't see them any more. But we remember them in our hearts, and in our memories."

Calliope, "Oh!," sounding very surprised. But not asking any more questions.

Phone Call to Grammy

Calliope, picking up her toy phone, "Mommy, let's call your Mommy!"

Me, "Lovey, we can't call Grammy. She died, remember?"

C: "That's okay, I can call her." (I start preparing to get misty, wondering if she might really have some supernatural connection with my mother.)

"Hi Grammy, how are you?"

"Oh, you're dead? That's good."

And... cut. No mist after all.

Sixteen Weeks and Feeling Great

Growing fast! Up 4 lbs but it feels like a lot more. 

A Patchwork of Support, and Conquering My Fear of Rejection

At my last midwife appointment, I talked to Chris about the grief that had been welling up.

I'm not sad about being an SMC. I don't miss my nonexistent partner. I understand the practical benefits a partner brings -- more income, more hands on help, the ability to go out on child free adventures more often -- but I don't miss the demands of having an adult relationship.

But I suddenly realized a few weeks ago that without a second parent and without a living grandparent, Calliope no longer has an adult in her life, besides me, that thinks she's amazing. Every child deserves a fan club, a person or people who think her every accomplishment is golden.

I don't miss my mother for myself. We weren't close that way. But I miss calling her to report on Calliope's latest achievement or funny saying. My mother was completely without detachment when it came to her grandchildren. She was sure that Calliope was a genius and athletically gifted. She loved my small anecdotes.

And now, that audience and that admiration is gone. And I'm grieving that, for Calliope as well as for my unborn daughter, who will have never known it. And I don't know quite what to do with that.

So I went to see a grief counselor, on the advice of my midwife. Since I saw a counselor while TTC'ing for C, just to make sure my emotional house was tidy, I figured it was only fitting that I do a little "inner work" while preparing for Blueberry.

It was a good session. I found out that I am doing pretty well, actually. She had a few suggestions.

One -- use ritual as a way to create space for grief. Based on her suggestion, I am going to seek out a family Shabbat service (despite some ambivalence on my part about religion) where I can say the Mourner's Kaddish for my mother while still spending time with Calliope. (Apparently children's services often don't include the Kaddish, so I just emailed a local rabbi to find out if her synagogue's offerings would fit the bill).

Two -- create a patchwork of support. So maybe, sadly, I won't have one person who thinks Calliope is the next best thing. But I can have a wider network of fans for her.

So I've asked her "godmother," Auntie Salt Lick, to come over and make brownies with Calliope. She's ready to take on a bigger role in Calliope's life, but it's hard because Calliope doesn't see her enough to be comfortable going on outings with just Salt Lick. But I decided that making brownies together, while I am busy in the other room, might be just the thing to kick off a relationship between the two of them. Nonthreatening to Calliope, while still an opportunity for them to talk and get to know each other without my helpful interference. And Calliope rarely gets sweets, so she will view brownies as gigantically thrilling.

Auntie Salt Lick also offered to take us to the circus soon, so that will be fun, too.

The therapist also encouraged me to keep after my sister, and to not view her lack of calling as rejection, but about her, my sister, and what's going on in her life. But she rightly saw my sister's decision to buy a birthday gift "from Grammy" for Calliope as an intention to be involved in Calliope's life.

And to try to pursue the relationship with Barbara, my mother's best friend. Barbara lives in southern CT and just took me out for a fancy post-birthday brunch, just the two of us. It was so nice.

I think I'm so scared of rejection sometimes that I pull away. So my goal with Barbara is to schedule another visit, this time with Calliope. And to figure out a project, similar to the brownies, that they can do together.

Also conquering a fear of rejection (or not hearing back), I sent an email to the mother of a family I used to babysit for, a million years ago. We were very close and I even lived with the family one summer on Cape Cod when I was in high school. But the mother acted strangely distant when I came back to visit after my first semester at college, and I wondered if she was alienated by the fact that I was in college and she had never gone. And so I stopped being in touched. But never forgot them. And I finally just looked up that baby girl I had adored... and found she is a mother herself! To a daughter older than Calliope. And that the father died, to my shock and great sadness. But I "friended" the mother and she posted a nice comment to a recent Calliope anecdote. So I girded my metaphorical loins and wrote her a message, thanking her for playing such a supportive role in my life as a teenager, a time when I surely needed an adult friend. And I am remembering that even if she never responds, I can feel good about thanking her. That I did that for me as much as for her.

I'm feeling more optimistic and positive since the visit. I don't have plans right now to go back, but I'm glad I went.

40th Birthday

I had a perfectly lovely fortieth birthday.

It's hard to believe I'm forty. The beginning of a new decade. I don't feel any older, and being pregnant doesn't exactly jive with my concept of what forty year olds normally do.

I wasn't up for a party this year. What with my mom dying this past May, I'm still not feeling all that celebratory.

So my dear friends Emily and Amy treated me to a prenatal massage, and I enjoyed a lovely lunch by myself beforehand (babysitting by Amy was included with my prenatal massage). The quick stop at the tire store for a patch on my leaky tire was a bit less festive, but not having to bring Calliope along with me but was pretty darn nice.

I arrived at Amy's to find the girls frosting my birthday cake. Or rather, Calliope was gamely trying to help frost the cake while Eleanor had given up on that project and was focused on licking frosting off as many utensils as she could find. I took the girls for a quick trip to the playground so Amy could have a few minutes to recover from their project, then we all headed over to Emily's for my birthday dinner.

Emily had strung up lights and a beautiful homemade banner in my honor. We three friends enjoyed dinner with our three girls before the lovely homemade chocolate cake.

The next day, Calliope and I headed out for an early breakfast together before coming home to have some unstructured time at home. Emily invited Calliope to come play for a while so I even got to work out by myself. It felt very strange to spend so much time at home but I got some things done and even started a beautiful grass fed brisket cooking. We had another dinner with Emily and AB downstairs before bringing the girls back upstairs for a bath together.

Next weekend, Amy is watching Calliope again so another friend can take me out for a super fancy schmancy brunch. In November, my friend is taking me to Spa Castle, a place I have long wanted to visit. And in December, we are going to Mexico with my sister and her family for a combination 40th birthday/babymoon trip. I'm beyond excited. I love travel and it's been years now since I've been anywhere. I'll be six months pregnant by then and no doubt ready for some lounging on the beach. And with two cousins to play with plus all the swimming she could hope for, I think Calliope will have a blast.

Beautiful birthday banner ("Happy 40 Abby") and birthday dinner table

Calliope waited all day long to help blow out the candles. Amy and Eleanor made the cake.

But C was instrumental in helping to frost it and, of course, adding lots of sprinkles

and peanut butter chips.

Showing off her considerable sense of style. Note the new and very sparkly shoes as
weel as the faaaaaabulous sunglasses, enormous matching barrettes, and of course, the
beloved overalls with flowered fleece shirt.

She looks so big!

Since Calliope and I both had our flu shots this week, it was only fair that Baby Jenna
get one as well.

A beautiful birthday lunch. All. By. Myself.
What a treat!
Too bad my belly seems to be shrinking and the soup would have been enough. I enjoyed the leftovers the next day.

Birthday roses from Susie

Birthday roses from a co-worker

Girl on a mission

Two braids without pigtails! Very satisfying. 

Forty years young

Fifteen Weeks

It's crazy how these two photos, taken at the same time, look so different.

I was feeling really big (for fifteen weeks) but then the ladies at the prenatal massage were saying how I'm not showing at all... So now I'm feeling small. Which just goes to show that body image is entirely mental.

And four days ago I was down a pound, back to my pre-pregnancy weight (which seems impossible), and then today, I was up five pounds from that starting weight! I'm guessing I'm retaining some water from eating too many sour jelly beans -- my new favorite -- but still, it defies logic. Especially since I'm starting to get full quickly at meals. I'm not eating that much, I think. Oh well. I'm not worrying, just marveling at the strangeness of it all.

In wonderful news, I felt a distinct tap-tap-tap in my belly on the day that I was exactly fifteen weeks. I haven't felt anything since, but it was a very distinct feeling and I'm pretty confident it was from my Tiny Passenger. Luckily I have a fetal doppler at home so I'm not worrying too much about her. Plus, my stomach definitely has gotten bigger and rounder. It's hard to believe that I am going to get as big, or bigger, as I did last time. I still feel great -- no issues climbing stairs -- but just yesterday it was slightly harder to get up off the floor. I'm not looking forward to that getting a whole lot worse. It's worth it, of course, but it's hard to get excited about not being able to tie my shoes without getting out of breath.

Early Pre-Literacy

I feel very conflicted about even writing this post. It would probably stress me out to read it if I was some other mother of a preschool-ish aged child. There's just such pressure around the whole business of learning to read. Yet it's very much on my mind. And also, I'd like to be able to read back when Blueberry is around this age.

So I've warned you. Read ahead at your whole peril.

Calliope has a couple of friends who are more advanced than her in the whole pre-literacy department. One of them knows all her letters and the sounds they make. The other, before her third birthday, was already writing her name (actually, I know an SMC two year old who can do that -- I'm looking at you, Rowan!) and also sounding out words. Like, she's at the earliest stages of reading already! At two!

This is not true of Calliope.

I keep trying to remind myself that it doesn't matter. My friend Amy, who is a teacher and whose daughter is advanced, reminds me that early literacy is not a predictor of early academic success. In Finland, children don't receive any formal education until age seven, and later in life, they become the world's best test takers. I wasn't an early reader -- I steadfastly rejected all of my mother's attempts to teach me to read before first grade -- and then quickly became an avid lover of books and reading. And not entirely to my benefit, I might add. I would have been a happier child if I spent more time outside, more time actively exploring my world.

All this to say... I know it shouldn't bother that C is where she is. But it does worry me, a little. I want her to keep up with her friends.

So I was thrilled when ?a few months back, she started identifying the "L" in lobby in various places. She still calls it lobby, actually, rather than "L," but I figure that's okay. Even before "L," she knew the "F" from the "F train" that we ride. And then she learned, sometimes, the "G" from the G train. And "C," for Calliope, of course.

And then my friend Emily mentioned that her daughter learned all her letters at (a young) two, simply by associating them with friends' first names. So next up was "A," for Abby... only Calliope calls it "A for Mommy." So I'm trying to teach her that Amy starts with A, also, just to clear things up. Then "E" for Eleanor. And she learned "P" for pizza all on her own. And just a few days ago, I taught her "S" for Seth and Susie. Now we are working on "M" for Mommy.

I posted on the SMC Forum for tips on helping kids learn letters, and so far, the big winner has been Lea.p Frog magnetic letters. When Calliope fits a letter into the magnetic school bus, it sings a song, "The "B" says "buh," the "B" says "buh," every letter makes a sound the "B" says "buh." She gets tired of it quickly, but looks at it often, since the refrigerator door is right behind me -- her favorite spot! -- while I'm cooking.

After another suggestion, I got out a basket of books -- one tiny book for each letter of the alphabet, each with 6 cardboard pages. Calliope only wants to use them as blocks.

I tried, based on another suggestion, getting out her alphabet puzzles again -- she mastered them months ago -- but she's not interested.

A friend from the Forum emailed me randomly tonight to send me a Pin.Inter.est type article of fun crafts and projects to do with your child to help them with pre-literacy. Coincidentally, the child of the author of the article is three, so my hackles were immediately raised, comparing my own child to the child in the article and finding all the ways my own child doesn't measure up. And then realizing I had little to no motivation to do any of these projects, anyway.

And then, after dinner, we went for a walk to buy dinner. In the elevator, Calliope asked, "Mommy, did you press the "S"?

I explained there were no "S"'s to press in the elevator. And then as we were getting off the elevator in the lobby, she pointed to the floor, where there was an "S" at the elevator opening, and said, "Look! An "S"!

So I asked her if she wanted to look for more "S"s when we went out. And she eagerly agreed. So we looked at signs during our one block walk, and she crowed excitedly each time she saw another "S." And I thought, you know, maybe I need to just stay the hell out of her way. She's got this.