Seventeen Months

Tsunamelie is seventeen months old! She's got strong opinions and isn't afraid to share them... though she's generally very cheerful and happy. Certainly very social.

She just started putting two words together. This morning's example, at 5:45 AM, was "Mommy stop" because I was trying to stay in bed just a few minutes longer. "Stop" is actually her favorite word, though it's pronounced in a whiny teenagery way with toddler pronunciation so it becomes "Dhaaaaaaap!"

She also chats all day long, completely earnest, long winded soliloquies... but i can't understand a word of them.

She's completely fearless in the water and really wants to put her face in... but can't figure out how to do that without drinking in the pool. I think she might be on the cusp of understanding blowing bubbles -- Calliope and I have been endeavoring to make loud raspberry noises and then putting our faces in the water, and yesterday she finally duplicated the raspberry noise, at least.

She suddenly loves This Little Light of Mine, and does her best to wordlessly sing along. I couldn't figure out to edit it with the sound on so please, start at six seconds in -- I was cracking up and couldn't carry a tune for the first six seconds.

She's still petite, I think, and now that the weather has cooled off, I've taken her to wearing her more, for fear that time is running out of opportunities to snuggle my last baby.

She feeds herself well but still can't figure out that it works better if you don't turn the spoon upside down before putting it into your mouth. So yogurt is a messy morning event in our house.

She still adores her sister and it's amazing to me how well they get along.

And she loves books, and frequently sits on the floor by her shelves and pulls out a few to flip through.

I'm learning to channel her destructive energy by asking her for "help." So instead of her climbing into the dishwasher, she "helps" me close the dishwasher door. She also likes it when I ask her to come put on her shoes. She's eager to do so, and quickly sits down... at a spot that looks good to her. Generally 5-10 feet away from where I'm actually sitting with her shoes.

Embryo Donation Update

I met with Leslie in late August when she was visiting Kate for a couple of days.

I felt strangely nervous at first, when we all had dinner together. Like my children were on display as part of an odd first date. I wanted her to fall in love with them so she would want us. Isn't that crazy? She seemed very relaxed but later confessed that she felt nervous too.

We parted ways while I put my kids to bed and then met privately (without our mutual friend) to talk. It was intense. She shared some details of her failed marriage, and cried. It was hard to see her in so much pain. She's such a good, loving, kind person. And then to have two failed adoptions before that, one where she was actually caring for the baby for multiple days in the hospital... My heart breaks for her.

Then we talked a bit about what it might look like for us if I donated my embryos. It was nice to see her energy change -- she became much happier and more animated, despite the fact that she's still not sure she wants to be an SMC. That was never her plan. Given the choice, she wanted the partnership over the child. But now that choice has been made for her, and she's realizing she would like to be a mother after all. Maybe.

My main concern is what it would be like for my girls. These babies would be their full biological siblings, though I would call them diblings (not brother or sister -- despite their biological connection, their emotional connection would be nothing like the tie between Calliope and Amelie). I want to be able to be honest with them.  Though I would simply explain it, I think, as "this baby has an egg from Mommy and a seed from the same donor as you." Calliope still has zero interest in her donor. I'm not sure she even realizes it's a person. She may just think of it as "a seed from the sperm bank," not that I've ever used that term.

But beyond being honest with my girls, I'm not even sure what I want for myself. I think that I would like a relationship with them (Leslie and the baby), but I'm not sure what kind of relationship. I'd love for my girls to have more cousins, but I wonder if it will be painful for me to see this child that could have been mine? Although in my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't be a good mother to any of my children if I had another in my current circumstances... that doesn't mean that I don't occasionally fantasize of meeting someone tomorrow who is wealthy enough to let me stay home in our fabulous new home and raise my third child.

I suspect the initial meeting of this baby would be hard, particularly if it was still a newborn who could look like anyone, and would get progressively easier as the baby became more and more the child of Leslie and less and less the biological child of mine. But how to handle that initial (potential) heartache? Would I delay the first meeting? Or just get over it? Would I be honest with Leslie about my emotions?

Many things to think about. We meet again in December, next time with a counselor. In the meantime I hope to set up a meeting with a counselor on my own.

Back to School Intentions

Reposted from something I wrote on the Forum... with some other things I've thought of since.

 won't call them Resolutions, just to differentiate These Intentions from January's hopes.

And here in NYC, I think we are the latest in the nation in not going back to school until Thursday, September 9th. And then we have a two day week (half days for PreK and K) and then Monday off for a Muslim holiday. So it's a late, slow start. But I go back to work tomorrow. And while I'm sad about it, I'm very grateful for the summer off. A summer off from my job, anyway, since being home with two small children, especially one Tsunamelie, is not quite a vacation. 

Anyway, I've been working hard towards a better school year after last year's nearly broke me. What are your goals for this school year? (Whether or not you have school aged children... as long as you feel that New School Year feeling.) My apologies to those who are already weeks into their school year! And to those that don't want to read this post, which looks a lot like a blog entry. I didn't intend it to me! But seriously? Last year? Sucked. Painfully.

1. Office workouts: I just bought an extra thick yoga mat so I can work out in my office at the end of my work day (which is luckily quite early, since I start early). It sounds crazy to be jumping up and down and doing push ups and squats in the middle of my medical office... but the reward is that I get home and it's DONE. And I didn't have to get up early. Last year I came home, hung out for a bit, prepared Calliope's dinner, then separated myself from the group and worked out while the nanny fed the babies. That was hard, mentally and emotionally. I'm hoping that without tempting reasons to dally (besides work), I will bust through that workout and get home and be PRESENT a whole lot earlier.

2. After school babysitters: Along those lines, I hired babysitters to pick up Calliope from school three days a week, even though we are in the same building. So that I'm not frantically finishing work while listening to her prattle on with half an ear. Or sometimes even having to have her in my office while seeing a patient -- nothing like doing a urine pregnancy test with my four year old next to me. I'm sharing the sitters so the price isn't too high and if necessary (or even desirable), I can probably increase this to five days a week.

3. Freedom Fridays: I'm planning to have the sitter stay late 1-2 Fridays a month so that i can go out after work -- again, very early -- and go out and see a movie. By myself. Or run an errand and take myself to dinner. Freedom and the ability to NOT TALK to anybody for a few hours! 

4. Special Time Recommitment: For all those extra days... I'm really trying to commit to at least 10 minutes of Special Time with each kid, most days if not every day. Maybe less time for Amelie -- who has a short attention span -- than for Calliope, who is starting to like mutually enjoyable activities like board games and puzzles. I KNOW that in the long run, if I invest this energy in them, it makes my life SO much easier in the form of increased cooperation. Hard to remember in the moment. 

5. Tidiness: I am a person who thrives on tidiness. A cluttered home makes me stressed and unfocused. But it's so hard to stay on top of it. So I did tons of decluttering and purging this summer and I'm hoping hoping hoping this results in a home that is easier to keep tidy. Love my new label maker!

6. Mindfulness: I'm hoping to practice meditation for a couple minutes, several times a day. Just to stop and notice my breath for a minute. The idea of committing to a longer practice makes me instantly stressed but focusing on my breath for my inhale/exhale cycles? I think even I can do that.

And the new things I've decided to add to my list, since I find myself working on them:

7. Don't sit down until the dishes are done! It's so hard to muster up the energy to attack the dishes once the kids are in bed but resting on the couch while knowing the dishes are waiting for me is the worst so... just don't do it. Push through. Getting it all done feels so good. Tonight, admittedly not a work day, the kitchen was done and I was showered and pajamed by 7:15... that felt pretty great.

8. Strive to minimize screen time when I'm with the girls. It's not like I'm sitting around checking Facebook during my time with them, usually, but I find myself responding to text messages way more than I'd like. I'm trying to just put it down, glance at text messages as they come in without actually picking up the phone, and only responding if it's truly urgent. My kids deserve my attention. And if it's truly urgent, I apologize and explain, at least to Calliope, why I'm texting. I'm already looking forward, with dismay, to the day when she is the one that won't put down the phone.

And as an update... I've done two office workouts. The super thick yoga mat is an adjustment, for sure. My workouts are a lot harder with it -- way more energy to jump off that super squishy surface. But it's AWESOME getting home with that already accomplished. Except that I am getting home at 4:30 and then I need to start bedtime an hour later! I need to be disciplined about starting right at 3:05, as soon as the upper school is done for the day. It's rushed, not to mention, no time for Special Time.

And another update...

9. Read books! I've been reading a bunch this summer and it's so delicious. The best feeling in the world. Decadent. I'm reading The Invisible Bridge right now (in Kindle format, on my phone, because I always have my phone with me... all about removing barriers to my goals) and loving it. I also read and loved Station Eleven, The Rosie Project and the Rosie Effect this summer. When I'm reading, I feel whole.

And the don't sit down until the dishes are done goal is awesome. It's challenging, but when the kitchen is clean and I'm able to relax on the couch at 7 pm, I feel like a million bucks.

The End of Summer, and the Resulting Stress

I'm feeling lots of anticipatory stress about going back to work. Last year was just so hard. I felt stressed to the max, and exhausted, so much of the time. There wasn't much enjoyment of life, or of my children. It felt like I was sprinting from 5:30 AM to 6:30 PM every day. And after the final big push to get them to bed on time, I just collapsed. Didn't so much enjoy my evenings and use them to try to recover. So I've been thinking a lot about how to make this coming school year better. I don't want to just survive my days. I want to actually 

I've finished, mostly, a giant decluttering of the house after we finally spent some time at home after all our travels. My motto was "get the low hanging fruit" so it's not that every drawer is organized -- maybe someday -- but there's just a lot less STUFF in my house. I made a new rule that nothing is to be kept on the floor. The standing and push toys were purged. Scooter and stroller are in the closet. 

I feel like I can breathe again. but the week or more process nearly made me insane with stress. it's like cortisol just starts pumping through my veins at the sight of clutter. Lnowing that, i shouldn't have done anything else until it was done but naturally, being away so much of the summer, i was also working on my long to do list. i'm mostly caught up with that, too, and i feel like i can breathe again. It's funny how having things be neat helps me have the energy to keep up with it, and accomplish other tasks to boot.

I'm also rereading a book about dealing with anxiety and am trying to get into a habit of meditation. The book recommends a meditation practice of 30 minutes a day and just thinking about a 30 minute commitment makes my blood pressure rise -- i still do my 30 minute workout nearly every day, and I think I can only have one habit like that, time wise, per day -- but i can work on doing 1-5 minutes of focusing on my breath each day, maybe even multiple times a day. 

I've hired also babysitters to bring Calliope home from school 3 days a week and the same sitters will pick up Eleanor 5 days a week, so it would be easy enough to increase to 5 days a week for Calliope as well, if necessary.

Last year i worked out shortly after we got home from school, which was nice in that I didn't have to get up super early to work out before work, as I had done in years past. It's so hard for me to climb out of bed and immediately do something hard, physically. as a result, i always got up and puttered for a while beforehand... but of course that takes even more time. What do you guys think? is it better to get it done, even if it kind of sucks? My body definitely feels better if i do it later. it was nice this last year to do it in the afternoon. Maybe i should find a way to do it in my office at work? Not ideal for logistical reasons -- not that big a space, and having to bring changes of clothes -- when it's cold out, I'd need post-workout clothes to travel home in. But maybe. If i was going to do that, i might have C get picked up by a sitter every day. Since Eleanor is getting picked up anyway, it wouldn't be so expensive.

I'd love to not get up any earlier than i have to, because, of course, getting more sleep means being less stressed. And it's hard for me to go to bed super early... but on the other hand, i wonder if i might be a lot less stressed if i didn't have to worry about squeezing the workout in? With Calliope getting picked up, I could stay longer at work. which sounds nuts, TRYING to stay at work longer, but not having to rush out of work sounds strangely relaxing. it's that constant rushing that makes me so stressed. last year felt like i was sprinting every day from 5:30 AM to 6:30 pm every day.

I also just joined a subscription food service called Su.n Basket. It sounds not entirely UNstressful, because they send me a bunch of pre-measured ingredients that I have to cook, and each meal takes roughly a half hour to prepare. I generally cook simple meals that take a lot less time than that. However, I really, really miss going out for nice restaurant meals. It's one of my favorite things about living in NYC. I'm definitely a foodie. I find food and flavors so interesting. So this is a nice compromise for me -- I get to try interesting foods without having to schedule babysitters to go out to eat, not to mention spending a lot more money. Not the same as eating out, for sure, but a step up from having the same boring meals every week. And this particular company offers gluten free meals, among other options (also Paleo, which is gluten free and dairy free, and vegetarian). The first week I had chicken shakatori meals with a ginger dipping sauce, Vietanemse stir fried beef with roasted sweet potato slices with ginger topping, and Mediterranean cod in a fresh tomato broth. All delicious and organic and for the fish, and meat, sustainably grown or harvested. Not cheap, but feeding my soul as well as my body and I certainly couldn't buy all those ingredients that cheaply. So I'm feeling really good about that.

If any readers are interested in trying it, let me know and I can send you a promo code for three free meals! I got to try it because my brother and SIL had some meals they couldn't use and gifted to me. So good.

Sixteen Months and Home Again, Home Again

Phew. Sixteen months is TOUGH. She is opinionated and cheerfully defiant. She moves fast, with confidence, and absolutely zero common sense. She hits and scratches both me and Calliope. At least it doesn't hurt. Yet. But it does hurt when she pulls Calliope's hair.

She's also ridiculously charming and adorable. Both her speaking and signing abilities continue to develop quickly. She's finally getting front teeth. She delights in puddles. Other New Yorkers seem taken aback by my willingness to let my baby squat in a puddle and poke at it with her finger. They haven't gone to battle with her.

Despite her strong opinions, she's a happy girl. Apart from our all to common disagreements, she almost never cries.

She's generally fearless. Loves people. The other day at a baseball game, she kept running up to one woman, a random stranger, and passionately throwing her arms around the woman's leg and hugging.
Likewise she walked up to an unknown dark skinned woman, peered up at her, and asked, "Mama?"

I think she may be keeping her options on the mother front. Just in case things between us don't work out.

Mostly we are good but today... It's possible that I roared at her, "Amelie, would you chill the f*ck out???!!!!"

I was trying to bring a stroller-full of old blinds (we had new black out blinds installed -- I'm in love!) plus some cardboard, plus both girls, of course, downstairs by elevator then across the building lobby to the trash and recycling area at the far end of the building. Amelie loves to walk, rather than ride in the stroller, so I was hoping she would cooperate. But instead, every time my amazingly helpful almost five year old tried to cheerfully coral her little sister, said younger sister would scream at the top of her lungs. Meanwhile I'm trying to move several loads at once, plus not leave any child stranded in either the elevator or a floor other than the one I'm on, and this particular elevator door closes rather violently, so I had to keep everyone's limbs out of harm's way... and the screaming just pushed me over the end.

Especially since we were on our way to a new playground (admittedly after dropping off a package at a UPS drop location) as soon as we got this ugly mess of cardboard and blinds out of my apartment.

So I figured that cursing my toddler out, at the top of my lungs, and probably in the hearing of other adults, was the only reasonable option.

It worked out really well, of course. She burst into tears of abject terror. I didn't stop working to comfort her.

Luckily once we got outside, all was forgiven. She happily toddled along, mostly letting me hold her hand to cross streets (I held her hand regardless, just to be clear, but it's nice when she lets me and doesn't fight.)

I remember that this was the hardest age for me with Calliope, and that things started to get easier at about 18 months. I think. I hope.

In other news, we are home from Woodstock. We had a fabulous time but we were ready to come home, too. I miss the laundry room and the playroom in Woodstock quite keenly, but I could never live so far from civilization. We went swimming all the time, and did a little hiking, but I could never live in a place where there isn't more to do. I'm a city girl with a love for the outdoors.

Calliope had a great final week at camp, admittedly a bit subdued without a friend there to give her courage. She started swimming underwater -- figured it out on her own. She also managed the monkey bars on her own, if a slightly abridged version. She wants to work next on jumping into deep water. She's practicing her (self taught) ballet skills all the time through invented wobbly poses, and is keen to get pointe shoes, despite the fact that I tell her it won't be before age 10. She's thinking about giving up her thumb sucking... but isn't quite ready to commit. And perhaps because of my reading in Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings or maybe just because of her own sweet self... she's become such an amazing little helper. She helps with Amelie constantly. She's my other pair of eyes and hands whenever we go out. She offered to do the dishes tonight. She shares her treats with her sister without stinting or complaint. I don't know what I did to be so lucky but I'm beyond grateful.

As for me... coming home was challenging. Unpacking and cleaning up is exhausting without help with the children. I actually had help for the first few hours -- hired our fall after school babysitter to come hang out with the kids. So I did as much as I possibly could while she was there, but of course I was already tired from packing up the Woodstock house (after a monthlong stay there's a lot to do) earlier in the day, plus driving into the city. So I couldn't finish everything. And since then, it's very much two steps forward and one step back. I get a little done while the kids are awake, but it feels like such a slog sometimes, because of course I'm still cooking meals and serving them and cleaning up from them, and changing diapers and sunscreening small bodies and... and then I feel compelled to get them out of the apartment once or twice a day... not much time for actually connecting with them. I can't quite figure out how to deal with that. Is it better to get them outside for fresh air and exercise and a change of scenery, or to stay home where it's eventually pretty boring but at least we can actually really focus on each other?

Rainy day exploration of the driveway in Woodstock

How much fun can a person have???

Cousins! 

Calliope couldn't muster a smile because she was STARVING. It had been at least ten minutes since her last snack.

Building fairy houses together. Can you see the mushroom table inside with
berries and "salad" on top? 

Not all who wander are lost.
But this wanderer usually is.

Such a thrill to see my girls enjoying nature with relative freedom.

Our annual summer vacation with SMC Jenn and Luna. 

Summer daffodils, freshly scrubbed.

Happy Interdependence Day! (Calliope and Eleanor)

Embryo Donation?

A few months ago, my close friend Kate asked if I would consider donating my embryos to her friend Leslie (not her real name). Leslie had, I think, entertained thoughts of becoming an SMC herself but then met a lovely man in her early forties. Leslie made it clear that having children was a relationship deal breaker for her, and the man agreed. They got married in her mid forties and set about adopting a child. A beautiful baby girl was delivered to them.... and then taken away a few short days later. Leslie and her husband were devastated, but after taking some time to grieve, began the adoption process again. They were about to receive another infant when Leslie's husband had a change of heart. He announced he didn't want children after all.

Leslie had a terrible decision to make. The marriage versus a child. They went to counseling. First once a week, then twice a week. In the end, the decision was made for her. The husband moved out. And two weeks later, Kate shared with Leslie my offer. I hadn't known that Leslie hadn't known of it until then. But Kate was worried that Leslie would feel pressured if she had known.

Yesterday Kate emailed to say that Leslie was very touched by my offer, and would probably be in touch in a few weeks.

My mind is swirling. Will she even want my embryos, when she knows my family's full health history (nothing shockingly bad, but a fair amount of ADHD and some depression and anxiety)? What role would I play in this child's life? Would he or she know me? What relationship would he have with my girls? Would we be honest about their biological relationship? What would they call each other? Brother (or less likely, sister) doesn't feel right, doesn't honor my girls' relationship with each other, but they obviously aren't donor half siblings, either. Would we keep her son's biological origins a secret for our shared community of acquaintances? Would my own siblings know of the origins of this child?

I'm nervous but excited. It feels right to share my wealth -- I've been so lucky in conceiving so many viable embryos. Leslie is a good person. I don't know her well, but what I know of her, I admire. And I know and trust Kate deeply. She wouldn't be close with Leslie is Leslie wasn't good people. So I guess I'm going to lurch forward with this crazy plan, if Leslie chooses to.

Mama Update

This is a harder one to write that monthly updates on the kids.

This has been a hard, hard year. I think Calliope's transition to PreK, and especially to commuting with me, was in many ways harder than being a working parent to two. Mornings weren't so bad but afternoons, while she was tired (and I was too) were draining. I felt like I had to drag her out of the school building and to the car each day, then coax her out of the car at the other end. Errands on the way home were a near impossibility. Having to rush through my work to get her, or leave work for the next day, was exhausting, especially with the implementation of an electronic medical record which slowed my pace considerably.

And then... summer arrived. I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like MYSELF again for the first time, after so many months of battling what might have been a mix of depression and anxiety but might also have been total exhaustion from what felt like a daily sprint from 5:30 am to 6:30 pm each day.

I'm exercising every day. I'm sleeping enough. Usually. I'm enjoying my girls. Mostly. I'm eating so much less! What is it about racing through the day that makes me so hungry???

I'm trying to brainstorm ways to slow the pace next year. I'm going to try Bethany's idea of Mason Jar salads. Maybe having a fabulous fresh meal each day at lunch will help me recharge. I'm hiring a babysitter 2-3 afternoons a week to pick Calliope (and Eleanor) up from school so that I can travel alone and do an errand if needed and otherwise enjoy not cajoling and pleading someone to keep moving. I'm also going to have the sitter stay late 1-2 Friday nights a week so I can go out from work and catch a movie or dinner.

And I'm trying to soak up every last bit rest and relaxation. It's taken me a couple weeks to get used to a slower pace -- at first, Amy and I were racing around, filling every last moment with activities, cleaning, cooking and preparing for the next activity. This week we have my friend Jen and her daughter Luna here and we are enjoying a much slower pace. It's easy for me to start feeling restless... I have to remind myself that this is what summer is for!

I'm hoping, somehow, that I can retain some memory of this slower pace when the school year begins. Fingers crossed!