Feeling Wistful

Eating her Thanksgiving "dinner" -- the cookie was the only thing she ate

Playing train with Cousin William, age five, who generously donated

the hand me down and completely grotty doll she's so avidly clutching.

Naturally, she greatly prefers that doll (who came home with us) to the

completely lovely, soft and cuddly, baby doll my sister got her for 

Hanukah. <Sigh>

Calliope continues to progress towards weaning.

I nursed her at 5 am when she woke up crying... but her crying already sounded like it was starting to trail off by the time I made it into her room. I decided to nurse her anyway, partly because I was about to start working out and I didn't want her to wake up hungry while I was in the middle of it, but partly, maybe the bigger part, because I didn't want to miss my chance. We've gotten out of the habit of nursing when she gets up for the day (around 7 am) because it's time consuming and makes me late, and I figured she didn't need it if she was nursing at 5:30 am.

Plus, the nanny and the other baby were coming at 7:15 am and that would be way too distracting for nursing.

Anyway, even at 5 am, she only wanted to nurse on one side.

Despite my vows to the contrary, I decided to pump at work today because I felt full.

Tonight, once again, she only wanted to nurse on one side, and shook her head decisively no when offered the other side.

Ouch.

Part of me wants to stop offering and wait for her to ask for it, because it hurts a little when she says no.

But that's being silly. I'm the grown up, and I need to keep my ego out of it.

I think part of this is that my mom has a knee replacement surgery scheduled for Friday. Last week, as part of pre-op testing, the doctor discovered some unexplained blood in the urine. A CT scan today showed a thickened urethra. And there is some small chance that it could be cancer. And I'm scared about this possibility. I've already lost one parent. I can't bear the thought of losing another. Calliope's and my life would be bereft.

So I think this is playing a big part in my melancholy tonight.

And yes, I'm worried about the impact of weaning could have on my mood.

Thanksgiving was otherwise good. We traveled to the Boston area to see my family, both immediate and first cousins, plus their families. It was lovely and drama free and totally fun... but also exhausting. Fifteen months and honing walking skills is not an ideal time for airplane travel, in case you were wondering. And waking her up at 4:30 in the morning to go catch a plane felt terrible, though she handled it well. Of course, when we were at the totally empty airport and through security with two hours to spare, I felt a little silly... but far better than trying to rush through a crowded airport with a toddler.

I'm very thankful for the nice time away and also to be back home. One more reason I'm hoping my mom is just fine is that I'm very excited for a quiet Christmas break at home. Even if it contains an attempt at potty training!

Modeling the beautiful new sweater my sister made for her