It's funny how I love it when others are brutally honest in their blogs, and yet it feels like a surprise to me when I think of doing the same in mine. Even when I've done it before.
So, camp brings out some social anxiety in me. And in the past, social anxiety has triggered depression.
Since having Calliope, or really, just getting pregnant with her, I've been very stable. No depression. Scarcely a bad day. Phew. Though I think I can safely say that I'm no longer on cloud nine like I was during pregnancy and nursing.
Anyway, camp is kind of lonely.
Most of it is my "fault," if you can term it that.
I think I've gotten more introverted since I had Calliope. Maybe because I spend so much time with her, I am less interested in socializing with others. I'm just tapped out, socially?
Regardless, I am finding it hard to connect with others. I try to ask thoughtful questions of people, but it doesn't seem like the conversation ever gets flowing. Other times, people ask me questions (a lot less often); I hope I do an okay job at responding.
But I just don't have a lot to say. I started playing the banjo as a way to become more interesting... but guess what? Playing an instrument actually is not a great way to stimulate conversation. At least, not if you're not at banjo camp. Shocking. Instead, it's one more thing I do by myself.
My fellow nurse, Francesca, is kind and sweet but very, very quiet. But other people want to be friends with her, more than me. Which makes obsess about what I am lacking. Maybe it's that she's twenty-seven versus my thirty-eight. She's a lot closer in age to the counselors. But then there's some older staff, two others with toddlers on staff. We were friendly at first, but don't socialize much at now. Is it something wrong with me, or just that they are both very busy with their jobs, and already know lots of people to be friendly with?
I try to focus on the fact that it doesn't matter. And I'm mostly okay with that. But I do wonder about it. And feel a little self conscious about not really having friends at camp.
Apart from loyal Calliope. She's thrilled to be my "friend." In fact, she can't bear to be away from me... unless, of course, there's no babysitter in sight, in which case, she's usually running away from me as fast as her little legs can carry her.