As you know, I'm newly back from my four weeks at camp. Four weeks without having to pay for childcare (okay, except that my last week of work, I paid for the nanny's last week PLUS a bonus week), without having to pay for air conditioning, without having to pay for (most of my) food. And very few opportunities to pay for meals out, or other discretionary expenses. I lived nearly as lean as I possibly could
Plus I made some money for working this second job, while continuing to earn a paycheck for my primary job (my salary is pro-rated over the summer).
So I have enough money to pay my bills right now. That's not in question.
But I'm scared to open my mail and pay my bills and check my online balance because I feel like my ability to have a second child hangs on whether or not I saved enough to get me through this coming school year without burning through more savings.
And the truth is, I have more than another month before I start paying for full time childcare again. We are paying for a few hours this week with our new nanny, as this is the only time all summer that both children and the nanny are all in town, but the cost is still a far cry from full time childcare. And I'm going to MA to see family -- my mom offered to pay for the travel since my sister was going to come here but my mom is too weak from surgery recovery to be left alone for three days -- so my food expenses should be covered. So I can continue to save a bit this summer, admittedly at a slower rate.
But truly, I don't think my ability to have a second child is truly in danger. There's always a way to make things work. I can ask for help from family... but I hate to do that, because I feel like part of being an adult is being able to support myself and my family. But it's still an option. A better one that being forced to not have a second child, assuming I want a second (and I think I do). I can lower my living expenses, somehow. And actually, I'm already working on this, trying to buy food more cheaply (fewer organic foods, except for milk and meat, mostly). I can change jobs, and sacrifice my family-friendly schedule and summers off. None of these are perfect choices, but they are choices nonetheless.
So my bank account right now not the be all and end all.
So why am I so scared to open the GD towering stack of mail next to me?