Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Living Without Fear

I've got a dozen half written posts sitting in my drafts folder. And details about Calliope are woefully lacking.

But in the meantime, just a quick post.

To say that the romance is back on.

We've spent the last two weekends, or at least one and a half of them, together. And now he's decided to travel back here this weekend, too, for our third weekend together in a row (the first weekend, I traveled to DC for the red dress run, which we did together).

I'm excited he's coming. Surprised, too. It never occurred to me that he would be willing to travel so much. It sounds exhausting. Especially considering he'll be away the following two weekends visiting his daughter, and on the west coast in between.

But pleased.

I'm trying to find a balance of being cautious, but not paranoid. To stop assuming -- when he doesn't call -- that he's either a) playing games or b) reuniting with his wife.

To be fair, I only wondered about option B once. Mostly I just worry about the game playing, or about him not being genuinely interested.

But at some point, I think I have to start assuming that all this driving reflects his interest, no?

And also, to trust my own intuition. That if it feels this easy and comfortable and fun for me, it probably feels that way for him, too.

I have no idea how to factor in the fact that he's in the midst of a divorce. No idea how that might make him act. 

Well, I have an idea. A fellow SMC recommended I read Surviving Your Boy.friend's Divorce. I dutifully followed her advice and... it was grim. I'm trying to follow the author's advice -- maintain my own interests, don't get hooked on promises, that sort of thing. But I also don't want to dwell in a place of fear. That's no way to live.

So I'm trying to stay grounded in my own life.

My little girl is delicious. I'm relishing her right now. And designed this weekend's plans so that I'm only missing two of her awake hours. I'm riding my bike nearly ten mile to work most days. I'm trying to increase the frequency and duration of my Insanity workouts. I take banjo lessons once a week with a fellow SMC (via Sky.pe). I went to visit my mother and brother last weekend for 24 hours. I'm more engaged at work.

I'll admit, though, that I'm feeling cagey about committing to plans with friends on weekends when I don't know if he might come visit. The next two weekends, when he'll be away, I'm all about plans.

Honestly, this is all such a surprise to me. I kept telling people that I would date again in a decade or so, give or take. And then this. And even if he and I didn't work out, I think I might keep dating. I'm enjoying it so far. It's lovely to date with the question of children off the table. 

Though of course T42 questions are still in the game. But knowing that that, too, can be achieved without help [from a male partner], I feel deliciously free. 

So now to remember to stay in the present, to avoid fantasies, to listen to my gut while not completely scaring myself every time he's late to call.

Oh, and the next time someone fails to respond to text messages? Make sure to check that the text messages are being sent to the appropriate phone number. It's amazing that just hitting "reply" doesn't always work.


  1. Isn't kids off the table so amazing? I remember the desperation of dating in my 30s, always looking for the guy I'd want to have kids with - who knew I'd find him in a vial???

  2. Ahhh Abby I'm so happy for you. :)

    Remember FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real :)

  3. Wow--I completely agree with wottadoll wrote! And this post definitely shows how grounded and present you are in your own life. Something for me to strive for--not nearly as good at it as you are!