Taking the Dairy Free Plunge

Thanks to the helpful suggestions from Blissful Mama and Claire, I'm going to take the plunge... Tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'm going to attempt going dairy free. For one week.

I can't commit to 30 days as the book suggests. Not yet, at least. Too intimidating. Not because I love dairy so much but because going without dairy means finding something else to eat for breakfast. Every. Single. Day. And that sounds like a lot of work.

On top of that, I don't do soy because of health concerns about it (except for edamame at Japanese restaurants... I can't resist them... but ask me how often I eat in restaurants, now that I have a toddler?), so that rules out some options. I was going to make a quiche -- I prepped the onion and mushrooms earlier in the week, before I remembered that I was out of eggs -- but it's not going to be as creamy and delicious as my friend Amy's was without the cheese.

I'm really hoping for some dramatic results.

I also made an effort to eat more carbs tonight, in the form of baked sweet potato fries. And some fresh raspberries with heavy cream. Cream with fruit makes it surprisingly filling. But it works better if it's the last thing I eat.

So here I go. Going to get a few more raspberries with cream, while I can.

Oh, and I may take Blissful Mama's suggestion of photographing my food to see if it motivates me, as she says it does for her. My apologies in advance.

Insanity and Whole30... Feeling Insane, Indeed

This is going to be a jumbled mess.

So this is week 3 of Insanity. Only the chiropractor asked me to take three days off from working out because my back's been bothering me. Well, technically it's the junction of my back and my pelvis, on the right side... incidentally, the exact (and only) spot where my epidural did NOT work during labor. My SI joint.

I adore my chiropractor -- he and his wife and new baby have become good friends -- and I love the feeling of that half an hour a week being selfishly just for me. Where I lie on a table and get poked and prodded and massaged in a hurts-so-good sort of way.

I started going to see him at the very end of my pregnancy, in hopes of getting "the baby" (aka Calliope) to drop into my pelvis when she was floating so high. Alas, it didn't work, but I got hooked on the habit. And since my insurance pays for many visits per year, I visit Dr. Mike once a week at lunchtime.

I typically have one injury at a time. It flares up and gets worse and worse, then suddenly disappears at the very moment that a new injury appears. This has been true since college.

So the SI issue was getting worse. Mostly when I get up in the morning. It's really uncomfortable to bend over. Picking up something off the floor -- excruciating. Doing something like reaching into a crib to lift a toddler who refuses to stand up is downright impossible.

But. It wears off after I've been up and awake and moving around for a while.

So workouts, with all their squats and bends, are hard. But the warm up, while uncomfortable, heats the joint to a degree where it stops hurting.

So I haven't stopped working out.

Until Dr. Mike asked me to take three days off. This week, he finally figured out that the pain I feel in my back isn't actually stemming from my back. The problem is in my hip, but it's radiating to my back. I had no idea. My hip felt fine. But after he worked on it this week, I feel bruised and sore but also... lighter. Like there's a lot more space in my pelvis.

Meanwhile, I've been trying to do the Whole30 dietary regimen -- excluding all grains and sugar from my diet for 30 days -- but without following the rule of excluding dairy.

And I feel kind of crappy. And given that the authors talk about how all these forbidden foods cause inflammation... I keep wondering if eliminating dairy would cure my back problem.

Unfortunately, plain whole fat yogurt is my breakfast of choice. With cream mixed in. (I find that fat cures my carb cravings.) I am totally intimidated at the idea of figuring out breakfast at work without yogurt.

So I'm not having carb cravings... but I think my blood sugar is tanking. Because I've been feeling lethargic and burnt out (on life) and unmotivated. I get headaches and feel queasy sometimes.

I've tried to eat extra carbs, in the form of carrots and squash and sweet potato, but they don't seem to help.

Thing is: I know I feel better when I don't eat grains. My energy is more stable during the day. No more energy dips. Problem is, I walk around feeling slightly drained. And hungry. I can't seem to get full.

I think my PCOS body is really bad at burning fat for fuel.

Bummer.

So this was my third day off from Insanity. Tomorrow is Friday. And I am pretty darn sure I'm taking another day off. Because normally, after even two days off from exercise, I'm bouncing off the walls.

Not this time.

One Week of Insanity

The good news: I survived six consecutive Insanity workouts! They were hard while I was doing them, but none of them lasted all that long. Mentally, I felt great throughout, but I would try to push my body harder and then fall on my face. Especially the last day. I was plumb worn out. But it felt good.

The ugly: the eating plan. Counting calories and eating five times a day. Hated it.

I think I underestimated my caloric needs, so that was part of it. Eighteen hundred calories while doing an intense workout like that was apparently not enough, after the first few days. So I felt increasingly hungry all the time. Perhaps the smarter move would've been to increase my calories -- duh -- but the truth was, I hated the tracking. If I'm eating packaged food with calorie counts on it, fine. But weighing or eyeballing my chicken meat for ounces, or surfing the web to find the calorie count of 1/4 cup of ?baked penne that my friend brought me? Takes the joy out of eating, and of life.

So I'm done with that. Even though I lost three pounds in one week. Because it was also making me feel really negative, suddenly, about working out. Because I felt deprived.

So I took an extra day off -- two in a row -- and with it, two night hour nights of sleep. And now I feel great, well rested and raring to go for my workout tomorrow.

Though I wish I hadn't eaten cold cereal the last two nights to make up for my hunger pangs. Serves me right for not listening to my body.

So the plan from here on out is to follow the workout plan and simplify my eating. I'm reading The Whole 30 diet plan to see what ideas I get from it. It sounds pretty similar to how I eat now, with some fine tuning.

Insanity Days 3-5

I'm doing well with the workouts. Monday's was "cardio recovery." I wasn't expecting much of a break, based on the reviews, so I was pleasantly surprised that it was much, much easier. Challenging in a different way, with holding certain positions, or doing lots of squats, but no jumping. More like a challenging yoga workout. A nice change of pace.

However, it left me stiff and sore for today's workout. Or maybe that's the just the cumulative effect of four days of workouts, plus the previous day of fitness testing. Only one more day to go and then I get a day off.

I was definitely moving more slowly today. I just couldn't move any faster. But I think my body will get used to this new routine and this will improve. And on the plus side, the length of the workout today (pure cardio) didn't feel all that long. To be sure, though, I was taking lots of little breaks during the workouts -- I would just collapse and have to rest. 

I also slept somewhat fitfully -- awake a lot between 4:30 and 5:30 am. This often happens to me when I suddenly increase my workouts. Hopefully it won't last long. 

Yesterday I went way over my calorie goal -- 2170 -- but I had been a little under my (conservative) estimated caloric needs the previous days, plus I was just starving all day. I think I should have tried to eat lunch earlier -- I was so hungry, but had three residents plus my collaborating physician working with me for the day -- and I just couldn't figure out how to politely eat in front of them while trying to see patients. I got home from work (early) and felt weak and headache-y from hunger. I finally had a snack with the girls at about 4 -- 2 oz of leftover meatloaf (meant for the girls, but of course they refused it) and finally felt better, for the first time all day. 

My period started today -- only a month since my last one, amazing! (PCOS makes my periods very irregular, though it seems improved since I had Calliope.) So that might be why I felt like I was starving yesterday.

I don't feel quite as hungry today, though I was very frustrated to open up my lunch containers and realize that I had accidentally substituted Calliope's apple slices for the turkey burger I meant to bring with me. I can't eat apple -- it makes me feel SO sleepy afterwards. Even if I have peanut butter with it. Another fun effect of what I assume is PCOS. Too bad, because they are wonderful.

A work friend brought me some leftovers so I ate those, instead, but it was probably only 1-2 oz of steak (plus some veg and rice). I added a "natural" protein bar but I'm not sure it will be enough food to keep me going until I get home. 

I have very mixed feelings about weighing myself at all, but I reckon I will do so once a week, so I can reassess my caloric requirements. So Friday will be my weigh in day.  I also too the required "before" pictures last week. I will see if I feel a need to do any "after" pictures -- I'm not convinced yet! But hoping for the best. 

Insanity Day Two (and One)

Yesterday, Friday, was day one. That involved the "fit test" -- a gradual warm up, then eight one minute intervals, each of a different exercise. You are supposed to go as hard as you can for one full minute, then write down the number of, say, Power Jacks completed in the sixty seconds. Since there was plenty of rest in between, I found the workout pretty manageable. The one minute intervals were certainly not a walk in the park, though! I felt great afterwards.

Today, Saturday, was my first "regular" workout. Today was "plyometric cardio circuit."

The warm up seemed a bit easier than I remembered from the two times I tried it with my cousin. I was admittedly feeling a little smug. Thinking maybe I was in better shape than I realized.

Then there was stretching, then we got into the main workout. Oh. My. God.

So hard.

I didn't want to take any breaks but I had no choice. My body would just give out.

While I was doing it, I thought, "no way can I keep doing this!"

But I did.

And then, afterwards? Felt amazing.

There's nothing like that feeling. Like after a long training run, back when I used to run marathons.

I went to get Calliope from her crib right afterwards, and couldn't figure out why she was looking at me curiously. I handed her a snack and then brought her into the bathroom so we could shower (she stood on the bathmat and ate a few bites first... I discourage food in the shower, mean mother that I am). After I got out of the shower, I looked in the mirror and realized that my face was completely beet red, despite having stopped the workout more than twenty minutes earlier. Hence the curious looks.

Yesterday I tried out the five-meal-a-day plan, without worrying about calories -- too much to start on a Friday. But I did try their smoothie recipe for my post-workout snack, and didn't feel full for long at all. Afterwards, I realized that unsweetened coconut milk (60 cal) and frozen strawberries and protein powder don't include any fat, and not that many calories, either! No wonder I was hungry. Today, I made the smoothie with my raw whole fat yogurt which has tons of protein (9 g), unlike coconut milk, which has only 1 gram, as well as fat. And used half as much protein powder. Total calories: 300. Perfect! And much more filling (and tastier too -- the coconut milk was kind of watery). Calliope declined to taste it -- yesterday's smoothie apparently put her off smoothies for a while.

As far as calories... I think I was probably a little under my daily allowance. I want to make sure that I'm not starving myself, because that's a good way to go off the rails. I started out really organized about all this but got distracted later in the day. Better luck with that tomorrow.

Insanity Plans, and Motivation Versus Determination

Via a SMC Forum recommendation, I just stumbled onto an inspiring blog called Runs For Cookies. The author lost 125 pounds through diet and exercise!

Her most inspiration post talks about the difference between diet and exercise.

http://www.runsforcookies.com/2012/01/difference-between-motivation-and.html

"I believe that motivation is only temporary. You might feel motivated to lose weight by watching weight loss stories on TV, or reading weight loss blogs (like mine!) or seeing a friend who did it. But that motivation only lasts until you are faced with temptation, and then the motivation shoots out the window because you want to eat _____ (fill in the blank). Motivation is that "force" that makes you want to achieve something and gives you drive to do it--but only until you lose that drive.

Determination, on the other hand, is "the act of deciding definitely and firmly". It's a DECISION that has no if's, and's, or but's. You make the decision to just do it, and you DO IT, motivation be damned. "

So here's what I took away from my reading.

I can't promise to get to my goal weight, because I can't make that happen. Talking to my doctor yesterday during my physical really reinforced the difficulty of weight loss with PCOS -- the more weight you gain, the more insulin your body produces, which makes it that much harder to lose weight.

But what I can do is commit to a trying a new regimen. I just bought Insanity. Which I've been really scared of committing to. Doing the workouts is one thing, but committing to the sixty day program... ack! What if it's really hard, and I don't feel like getting up and giving 100%? What if I get tired and feel like I'm dragging through life, doing these challenging workouts six days a week? What if I'm starving all the time? What if I get sick -- do I take extra rest days, and deviate from their schedule?

I've decided to just do it. Commit to the sixty days. No cheat days. Modify as necessary. Take extra breaks during the workout as needed. Stop worrying, stop making excuses for problems that haven't happened yet. If I get sick, I will take a day off if I need to. If I get the insomnia I get from ramping up exercise to quickly... I will suck it up and power through. And eagerly look forward to my day off. And know that my body will get used to the new routine, sooner or later. I will adapt the jumping exercises so that I don't have to worry too much about disturbing my downstairs neighbors.

And I'm going to follow their dietary recommendations. I commit to doing that for thirty days. The calorie suggestions seem reasonable, and if I am still hungry, I will add more. So I'm also promising my body that I won't starve myself.

The program advises five meals a day, and provides a menu book with lots of suggestions for each day. I photocopied out a blank daily meal plan and made up a bunch of sample days with different menus, and made my shopping list accordingly. This way I don't have to think too much. The meals look fine and relatively appealing -- small, since you have five a day, but high in protein and not too low in carbs. They are definitely lower in fat than I am used to (I've been eating, more or less, a high fat, moderate protein, lower carb diet for a while) and also higher in carbs than I am used to. I'm nervous about feeling hungry, and I know I can't eat some of the things they suggest -- I know that a half an apple, even with a handful of walnuts, would leave me falling asleep mid-afternoon. Apples make me super sleepy, every time. 

I really dislike snacking during the day, so I'm not thrilled with the idea of five meals a day. On the other hand, if I'm feeling hungry, maybe it will be reassuring to never have to go very long without a meal. I figure I can have a post-workout smoothie in the morning with coconut milk (because the plan wouldn't allow for raw whole fat milk and I refused to drink skim) and protein powder and strawberries. A nice bonus would be sharing it with Calliope -- a way to get some extra calcium into her diet. Ideally she could have some of mine to make life easier but I guess if she didn't like the protein powder I could make one for her with just berries and coconut milk. She eats two breakfasts every day anyway (a snack as soon as she wakes up to stave off the requests for nursing, then a proper breakfast an hour later), so we could "eat" (slurp) together. Sharing Mommy's food generally makes her willing to try new things. As it gets hotter out, a nice cold smoothie might be a nice way to start the day!

I'm going to have to figure out what to do about the cream in my tea, though. I love my (decaf) Chai tea! Maybe I will put a dash of coconut milk into it instead.

I "slept in" today until 6:30. No workout so I'm rested for tomorrow. Since my quads have been burning when I have climbed the subway stairs the last few days. Tomorrow I will do the thirty minute "fit test" to assess my overall fitness. I repeat this every two weeks to track my progress. I'm hoping that I don't have to start the dietary program until the following day, which will be the weekend, because I think it will be hard to build a new routine (the five meals a day) on a Friday at work. 

Wish me luck and focus in my determination! 

A Slightly Depressed (But Getting Better) Mommy Update

I'm writing a separate post about me because my goal is to make a book about Calliope's second year of life, containing blog posts about her. I definitely don't need to remember most of what was going with me, though, so I'm keeping it separate (and will omit these from her book). And I didn't necessarily edit very much -- I just needed to get this out their, to clear the air, so to speak, of my own psyche. This is more of a spiritual cleanse than a well written post. 

I think I'm coming out the other side of this funk, with some definite blips.

Saturday morning, we went to the High Line Park with our fellow SMC friend, Obernon, and her daughter, just two months older than C. It was really interesting and cool, but I was definitely tired by the time we got back home, as there was significant travel involved in going to and fro.

But I was shocked to see how much better I felt after a hard Rip 60 workout (mostly done while C was napping, though she played alongside me for the later parts). It really boosted me up.

So during Sunday's naptime, I attempted my second workout from the TurboJam DVD. Last time, I did the intro workout, to learn the steps, but that wasn't all that strenuous. So I tried a 45 minute workout this time. At first it was fun, but then I just got further and further out of sync with the workout, and more and more befuddled and frustrated by not being able to follow the steps nearly fast enough to keep up. Finally, about halfway through, I quit trying in exasperation, and went back to the introductory workout. That went much better, and I was able to keep up for the most part and even focus on maintaining good form at times.

So why did I feel terrible when I finished? I took a shower -- sometimes that lovely post-workout endorphin boost doesn't kick in until the hot water hits my skin -- but no such luck this time. I glanced at the video monitor when I finished, and was surprised to see that Calliope was awake but playing (or thinking? who can tell?) silently in her crib. 

I put on clean underwear and bra and lay down on the bed. Even putting on a shirt and pants sounded hard. And I've never done this, but I just left Calliope in her crib and lay on my bed and read for a half an hour. I felt terribly guilty about this, but I just didn't have it in me to take care of her at that moment. I can't ever remember feeling that way. I figured since she wasn't complaining, it was okay, right?

After a half an hour, I felt a little better, and went into her room. She smiled up at me from the crib, happy to see me but in no way complaining about her "alone time." I lifted her out and set her down and lay on my side and watched her play, her small towhead lit up by the sunshine streaming into her room. She took a bag of interlocking pegs with foam pegboard from her toy bins and set to connecting them together. She glanced up at me occasionally, but mostly she was absorbed in her work. 

Somehow, watching her focus on her task cheered me up immeasurably. She was so beautiful, sitting there in the sun. My amazing girl -- creative, intelligent, affectionate, determined, focused.  

Later that afternoon, we went out for a walk. We live on Ocean Parkway, which is a major thoroughfare, not so great, but has a paved walking path on one side and a bike path on the other -- the first in the country!. Calliope pushed her doll stroller and stopped frequently to crouch and watch a pigeon, or dig with a stick around a tree base (the only dirt to be found in our urban area, apart from parks, of course), to study strangers inquisitively. The air was cool in the shade, but the sunshine was warming. 

One of my major issues, once again, is body image. Weaning has led to a slow down in metabolism, which seems unfair because pumping seemed to slow it down as well. And also, I've realized that I've slacked off a bit on my workouts -- level 8 isn't as rigorous as level 6. My hair seems to have become both greasy and dry/frizzy at the same time. My face looks puffy. My pants are tighter.

But agonizing over weight gain makes me mad, too. It's stupid! My beloved friend Sarah has a daughter just two months older than mine... and a brain tumor that's currently in remission but will some day come back to steal her away from her precious little girl. How can I complain about my petty problems in the face of such injustice?

Then too, I know we can't always chide ourselves to "remember the starving children in Africa!" But still. Some perspective. 

And also. My metabolism is screwy. Yeah, it sucks. But it could be worse. And while I assume that by next year I'll be one hundred pounds overweight and my only hope will be gastric bypass... which caries with it a 2% mortality rate, and how can I possibly risk leaving my little girl an orphan?... The truth is that I'm not there yet. I'm a few pounds overweight. More than a few pounds from my ideal weight, but not a hundred. And yes, I have to fight like hell to stay here. And I'm burning with envy when I read of one woman who lost forty pounds by taking her baby for long walks. And yes, it sucks. Heartily. And unlike other physical ailments, it carries the weight of judgement with it. No one looks at someone with a broken arm and figures "well, it must be her fault." 

And yet. I have the power to refuse that (imagined or real) judgement. I have plenty of friends who are very heavy. And who look great! Who dress themselves in flattering clothes and groom themselves nicely. And I don't condemn them... far from it, I admire them. I would rather have a healthy self-respect, regardless of weight, than the perfect weight.

Well, at least, I wish I did.

I want to start working on this now. I want buy some flattering, professional clothes -- no more "hiding" (from myself) in yoga pants and dark jeans. Figuring out what to do with my hair so it's not so frizzy and unbearable.

But I hate going shopping. And looking at my thighs in a dressing room mirror is too depressing. So maybe it's time to go online shopping again. Though there's the money issue, too. I've finally managed to bring down my expenditures so I think am more or less keeping up with my expenses. But I just bought more dishes (had lost a lot over the years due to breakage) and silverware (I was always running out of knives). So I hate to spend more money right now.

I also just ordered Insanity. Another $150. And a book I read about from another blogger called Whole30. It's a Paleo diet, but the deal is that you do a strict (paleo) elimination diet for thirty days, then slowly re-introduce some foods, like dairy,  to see how the body tolerates them.

I am really very anti-diet, in terms of restricting my calories. I will never starve myself again. But if I can eat the foods they recommend without feeling hungry, then I am willing to give it a try. And thinking about thirty days, only, hasn't so far enraged my inner diet rebel. So we will see how it goes.

Finding the time to read this book is an additional challenge. I'm already splitting my pre-sleep reading time between Happiest Toddler on the Block and my for-fun book, which is The Darlings. 

Insanity should arrive today. I've read some very inspiring reviews online, from people that have totally re-made their bodies. But they also commit 100% to never missing a workout. And the idea of having to work out extremely intensely every day is very intimidating. Weekends aren't so bad, but early morning workouts are challenging. And with Insanity, there is no gradual warm up -- the "warm up" is really challenging. Though you do stop to stretch after a few minutes. 

So I'm feeling scared of it. Do I use their pre-printed calendar to commit to keeping up? I hate the idea of feeling trapped, but maybe it's just the thing to make me keep up? But the idea of being crazy sore and having many days to go before I get a rest day is very intimidating. 

I'm frustrated that I have to go to such extremes on both dietary and exercise fronts.