Blindsided

So I was just watching Paren.thood on Hu.lu tonight, and there's this scene where one couple is at their eight month ultrasound, and they spontaneously decide to find out the sex of their baby.

So the tech positions the ultrasound machine just so, freezes the frame on the baby's face, and says,

"say hello to your baby girl."

And over here on the home front, I instantly errupt into dry, choking sobs. No warning.

It was a blindsiding kick to the gut, an almost painful, blunt reminder of the joyous miracle that imploded into my heart these past eight months.

Sleeping Through the Night... With a Twist

she slept through the night again! (still with me sleeping on the couch. so far, it's totally worth it.)

newest challenge: she's woken up at 5:30 am the last two days. very happy to hang out in her crib and chat and eventually suck her thumb and maybe doze a very little bit (one more time where the video monitor is helpful: if not for it, i'd be smugly patting myself on the back for not going in and thinking that as a result, she had gone back to sleep). as it was, it was fun to watch her practice getting up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth in her sleep sack.

but yesterday she then took a two and a half hour morning nap! she was exhausted.

this is obviously not ideal.

it's so strange how kids don't gradually ease from one phase to another... they lurch into them. without warning, a dramatic change.

so how do I teach her to keep on sleeping until 6:45? 

i'm not sure.

i decided to keep her in the crib until 6:45 regardless so i'm at least not rewarding the early waking (according to sleep books this can cause them to wake up ever earlier -- ugh!). this is hard to do because i miss her little self and hate to leave her alone in there when she is so cheerful... but it's also my time to exercise. yesterday i got her up and nursed her and then exercised afterwards but then i end up nursing her a second time right before i leave (because it feels weird to ME not to nurse her before i go, not because of her) and this throws off getting to work on time.

wondering if blackout curtains might help her to stay asleep longer? i've heard that garbage bags work for this in a pinch so that's what i am going to try tonight... if i get organized enough to get to a hardware store today to pick some up. i'm not sure that in NYC, a CVS will have giant black bags. the hardware store near work is wonderful and may have something even better but equally cheap.

the other idea I have had is to keep her up later at night... but she's pretty tired by the time 6:30 rolls around. so I think I will try "blackout curtains" first.

the big question: do i move back into my room tonight? or give it a few more days to let the whole no-eating-for-twelve-hours thing really sink in?

And can I just say: I feel so much more optimistic about life in general since I get to sleep until 5:30 instead of 4:30 am? It's a world of difference.

Infatuated

Drinking (kefir) from a glass is good and messy

I am newly obsessed (again) with my baby. She's just extra awesome right now.

I realized that one of the reasons I didn't enjoy our time off together all that much was that I was very focused on the EC, and on keeping her diaper free, and watching for any signals that she needed to pee or poop, and cleaning up resultant messes on the floor. That plus sleep deprivation was just a whole lot of unnecessary stress.

Lesson learned: first and foremost, enjoy your baby.

She is increasingly affectionate, with loads of kisses plastered wetly on my face (the nose is a particular favorite -- she likes to take my entire nose in her mouth and just very lightly touch her teeth to the skin, being careful not to bite down -- this is not my personal favorite). And she just giggles and laughs and smiles all the time.

Crawling is on the near horizon. This morning I put her down on my bed while I got dressed, which she was not happy about, and even while she was fussing, she was up on her hands and knees, rocking back and forth.

She is still scooting backwards, and gets frustrated when she backs into a piece of furniture that prevents her from scooting further.

Oh, and last night she slept until 5:30 am, cried briefly, then slept until nearly 6, when it appeared she was up for the day. (This was with me sleeping on the pulled-out-couch -- what a difference to sleep on an actual bed, even a not very good one, with sheets and everything!)

My mom suggested erecting a screen between our beds, and I may try that if my presence continues to be an issue. I'd really rather not move just yet. The financial difference of a one versus two bedroom is not insignificant. But I also don't want to spend my life sleeping on the couch, pulled out or not.

Project-Mama-Sleeps-In-Her-Own-Bed: Fail

I was so hopeful. And my bed was so delicious.

But it was not to be.

At 4:30 am, Calliope started to cry. I huddled under the covers. After a few minutes, she quieted.

Until 4:45. When she started to wail.

I hauled my weary self out of bed and went over to the crib and gently patted her back.

She quieted.

I went back to bed.

She wailed again.

I hauled myself back out of bed, and wearily traveled to the living room, carefully arranging the slightly-too-small throw blanket so it just covered my cold toes without leaving an unnecessarily large expanse of uncovered chest.

Silence.

She slept, then, until 7 am, when I was back in the room, freshly showered and getting dressed and trying to be grateful for the sleep I had.

Which, given that I managed to get to bed on the early side (is it a major undertaking for anyone else? I feel like I spend my entire evening deeply focused on that early bedtime, coaching myself and doing frequent time checks... it consumes an extraordinary amount of energy, really), doesn't feel like anywhere nearly enough. I'm feeling exhausted at work today.

Tonight I think I will force myself to actually unfold the sleeper sofa, and not just sleep on top of the folded up couch. I'm hoping another night or two there and then I can try my bed again.

Surely I'm not going to have to sacrifice my bed forever nor move to a new apartment just to sleep all night?

And for the Blogger questions... a lucky find, I think, though the blocker at work keeps me from fully exploring... trying clicking on the Blogger icon (I think it's just a big "B") in the upper left corner. I think that lets you see your Blogroll.

Two Nights and Fingers Crossed!

Calliope with kefir on her face (she loves drinking from a glass, but it's messy!) and the power of suggestion for her first word?

Calliope slept nearly twelve hours In. A. Row the last two nights! With no crying, no fussing, no feeding.

Yee haw!

Especially since the second night came after a daytime fever. I was sure we would be thrown off by it, but one dose of Motr.in (so glad she's old enough for it now -- I much prefer it to Ty.lenol since it lasts up to twice as long) and the fever was gone for good.

Mama was booted to the couch like a jilted lover. This was, perhaps, the secret to our success?

But I'm really missing my bed.

I'm tired. And a little sore.

Especially since sleeping in the living room when she had a fever meant multiple trips to the bedroom to check her. Mainly to attempt to monitor her temperature (without waking her) so I could decide by 6 am if I was going to work today. And I was sleep deprived from previous nights of CIO. None of which were all that extensive, but still.

Ultimately I decided to stay home. And of course, she appeared to be the picture of perfect health today. Maybe a little more sneezy than usual, but that was it. Happy, active, talkative.

Oh well! We had a nice day today, after we both had a nice morning nap.

Wish me luck tonight. I can practically feel my bed already. I can't wait!

Fingers crossed that me moving back into the room doesn't screw things up.

PS Blogger has suddenly, drastically changed. Can someone please tell me how to find my feed for blogs that I read. Not the "blogs I follow" list on the home page of my blog that you readers can see. I have another list of blogs that I get to when I log in. Like, I can see it if I click "template." I know this is not the fastest way to find them. Anyway, now I can find the list of what I subscribe to, but it doesn't show the newest posts. And I haven't a clue how to find them. I think this might be a "feed" I'm looking for, but I'm not sure. There are more blogs on this list than there are visible on my blog to all the readers as well as myself. Thank you! Sorry for the bumbled explanation.

PPS Please keep your fingers crossed for B (of the Candlelight and Pacifiers blog) who is out in Colorado at CCRM doing IVF and waiting for her follies to grow. Grow, follies, grow!!! Wishing her a very successful retrieval, fertilization, and transfer!!!

Scooting Backwards. With Headbanging.

Sleep Training Update

flinging her "I Can Do Anything" doll

The bathtub is just the right height for standing up and holding on

Clay class with the nanny (the description says that the clay is non-toxic at that all babies
taste it and realize it's not food and stop mouthing it... doesn't look like it to me!)

what's more fun than the swings???

Very tolerant of birthday party hubub and being passed from person to person

Sleep training continues.

I start the night in my bed, in the same room with Calliope. When she wakes up crying, I wait a couple of minutes, then get up, pat her back dutifully, and observe her becoming enraged.

Then I move to the living room.

I don't have a clock in the living room, and I'm sleepy, so it's hard to tell (and to remember)... but I think the periods of crying are getting substantially shorter. (Unless I go to "comfort" her again.)

Unfortunately, last night, she woke up at 4 am and at 5 am.

So Mama is awfully tired.

I'm thinking that maybe tonight, I should just stay in the living room the whole night. But it makes me nervous not to be there in the room with her.

So I don't know. I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. But perusing Ferber (which I hurriedly downloaded last night, worried I was doing something wrong) makes me think I'm taking a rather hard line approach. "Ferberizing" always sounds so horrible but it actually sounds pretty humane.

Except if returning to your child makes her far more upset. Which it does to mine.

It also makes me more tired.

So I think I'm going to drop that part.

Tiara's comment about co-sleeping without nursing sounds awfully nice... I think I would like to sleep with her. But I don't want to go to bed when she does. And putting her in bed with me without letting her nurse similarly enrages her.

Someone on a local parent listserve informed me that she doesn't believe in Crying It Out (when I specifically asked about CIO techniques) and then followed that up with the helpful tidbit that she just sent her husband in to comfort the baby. Oh, so you get to feel self righteous and stay in bed! How lovely for you. And obviously not possible for me.

At the end of the day, my beloved baby is securely attached. I truly believe that this is the best way to optimize both of our health and happiness. Even though I feel like talking about CIO makes me sound like a heartless bitch.

But we've otherwise had a lovely weekend together. I'm really enjoying her again after my week or two back at work. I feel like we both laughed a lot. Tonight, we were both in hysterics because of her face of horror and vehement head shaking after being given a bite of egg (well, I was laughing because of that, and she was laughing because I was laughing), and it was like we were sharing a joke. Not her imitating me, but us, two humans, having a shared funny moment. It was amazing. We both couldn't stop laughing. I loved it.

She is scooting backwards, which cracks both of us. She had been drooling a lot the last few days, enough for me to put the amber necklace on her (supposed to help with the pain of teething), even though she hasn't been complaining. Sure enough, a top tooth poked through this morning. She has rejected the new sippy cup I bought her (I bought three to try, but have only attempted one so far), but loves to drink from a glass (the result is predictably messy, but at least it's a quick way to get kefir, one of the few foods she likes, into her gullet). She's all about "dada" and "ida."

We went to a sign language class on Saturday, which was great. The teacher suggested starting with just "more" and "all done" until the baby gets the hang of it, and trying to sign every hour that the baby is awake. So I will teach Nastya the signs tomorrow. And every few bites, I would ask Calliope, "more? more yogurt?". She was definitely watching my hands. Apparently it takes a few weeks for her to try to sign herself. But I swear she was already trying to sign before the class -- she moves her hands purposefully and looks at me intently... I just don't know what she's trying to tell me. But the teacher said that "more" and "all done" cover an awful lot of ground, so we will see how it goes. I've also been doing the sign for "milk" because it makes me laugh, mimicking milking a cow. But she said that we breastfeeding moms can just do the signal one handed so that it's not quite so obvious to the rest of the world. It seems handy to me to have a signal for "want to breastfeed" though of course I may find out that she wants to breastfeed all the time!

Next week we start baby swim class. I'm looking forward to that. I bought a new swimsuit, with a skirt, and have resigned myself to just avoiding looking in any mirrors. My friend Emily and I went to a Russian banya (bathhouse) two weeks ago and I employed this strategy and it worked amazingly well. We are planning to go again next month. It was wonderful to do something so luxurious for the first time in a very long time, and it's quite affordable, especially with a shared babysitter.

I had my eyebrows threaded for the first time this weekend and I now feel resolutely positive about one aspect of my body.

And here's a video for no apparent reason. Like you need an excuse to show off your cute baby?