Very Slight Meltdown

I called my sister today to fill her in on the appointment with the midwife yesterday.

For the rest of you: I gained one pound, half of which was the snack I had right beforehand -- I know this because I weighed myself an hour before and was only up half a pound -- and I'm pretty sure the other half pound is based entirely in my ankles cankles, but you know, whatever! the belly and the baby is growing nicely! So I'm not worried. I'm vaguely curious how I'm not gaining more, because I'm pretty positive I'm not losing from elsewhere in my body, and my belly is certainly getting bigger... but I don't really care, either. Although I do think it would be kind of nice if my thighs didn't rub together when it's this hot out!

After I filled her in, I asked her about her fourth of July plans. I think I'm going to go up there to the Berkshires to visit one last time, before they pack up. I will be thirty five weeks at that point, and they are only 3.5 hours from Brooklyn, and her husband will be around and not working, so he could watch their daughters if, worst case scenario, I went into pre-term labor and needed a ride to Brooklyn.

Then my sister told me that they are thinking of having their movers come after my niece goes to sleepaway camp on July 24th. I will be 38 weeks on July 23, and originally her plan had been to drop the older niece at camp, spend "a day or two" getting the younger niece settled in eastern MA with my cousin, then head to Brooklyn. I was already a little anxious about this plan. But now she would extend her time in western MA even longer... though she said she would have her husband fly back up from his new job in FL to be there, in case she needed to come to Brooklyn in a hurry.

So truthfully, probably she will still be available the same times as she had said before.

But something about this change in plans just completely freaked me out. I called her back an hour later and just burst into tears. Me, who has not, to my recollection, cried once this entire pregnancy. This is a record amount of happiness for me... well, up until today, anway.

She assured me that she won't let moving get in the way of being here.

But I'm freaked out anyway.

I talked my cousin, who I am very close to, and she strongly urged me to have a calendar in place with each day labeled with a person who is available and on-call.

But just thinking about this idea made me tired. And also just want to say, "forget it."

Part of me feels like I got myself into this mess, and it's my responsibility to carry the burden. Not that it wouldn't be great to have my sister here, and hopefully it will also be nice to have my mom come for a week after baby girl arrives. But I think I need to stop counting on that, emotionally, if that makes any sense? I need to get grounded in this being my thing, my experience, and then welcome (but not exactly rely on) the help that will surely come my way.

It makes the idea of moving away in a year or two less daunting, too. The idea that I can do this on my own. It certainly made me a lot less teary to think about it this way.