I met with my midwife today. She's so lovely.
But when we spoke on the phone a couple of weeks ago, we had agreed to discuss my mom's death at our next in-person meeting. Apparently I had neglected to mention it in our initial meeting. Not surprising, I reckon, since Calliope was with me.
So I brought it up today. I think it's really been at the root of a lot of my recent anxiety. My pregnancy anxiety is a lot less lately, partly because I'm growing and partly because a very generous SMC gifted me her fetal doppler. Being able to hear Blueberry's tiny heartbeat whenever I want is very reassuring.
But now I feel the anxiety coming out in other ways. Namely, when I have the slightest hint of anyone -- sibling, nanny, management company -- my adrenaline system goes into overdrive. Even when it's something minor. And it's always something minor. And I know it, even in the moment, but I can't seem to get my body to calm down.
So today, Chris and I discussed this. We are going to explore some therapy options. I'm not interested in a long or even medium term therapeutic relationship -- far too much work for me -- but I wouldn't mind a couple of sessions.
What was interesting to me was just feeling the tears well up in my eyes, talking to her. I didn't actually cry... but it's the closest I've come to it since the day of my mother's funeral. I think, although I'm very busy at work, that being back in my "regular" life in Brooklyn, I'm more able to think about her death than I was when I was living in her MA and completely overwhelmed by my possible but worrisome pregnancy.
I just don't know how to let go and stop being in control for a few minutes. But how do I get past this grief business without that skill?