Anxious

I'm feeling pretty anxious today.

For one, I should've gotten way more childcare this week. It's pretty close to impossible to get anything done while Calliope is awake, and her naps are pretty short, averaging about 40 minutes each (she takes two). And the only thing more frustrating than not getting anything done while she is awake is... watching her undo work I've done. Like emptying out a bag of clothes I organized to donate. So that suddenly the front hall is strewn with baby clothes. I start laughing out of sheer frustration and inability to understand the impulses of an almost toddler... and of course Calliope catches sight of me laughing and starts cackling. The girl loves to feel like she's in on a joke.

So I'm anxious because although the boxes are gone, there's so much that needs to be tidied and organized and arranged.

I really like things to be organized. I think better and have more energy when everything is neat.

But I know that I won't have energy to come up and organize after work... and I go back to work in three days. Ugh.

Which brings me to the next item on my list. Returning to work.

I'm sad about returning to work and leaving Calliope. I'm also anxious about feeling tired -- I hated feeling so very tired, so much of last year. Not so much at work as in the evenings after I put her to bed.

I'm also anxious about doing a craptastic job at work. I felt like I really wasn't engaged last year. Everyone seems to think it is a normal way for a new mother to feel, but it wasn't enjoyable. I want to care about my work, I want to have energy to welcome and not dread the next patient, I want to have motivation to do additional outreach to boost enrollment and increase foot traffic.

I'm also worried about money. I crunched some numbers and looked at some IRS calculators and I reckoned that after tax breaks, I could afford my new place. But now I've worried that I've made a grievous mistake, and that I am going to burn through all my savings.

There, I think I've got it all out on the table. I feel a little bit better now.

On the plus side, I love my new place, and it continues to look better as I get (a little bit) more done. My mom is coming to help this weekend and although she will only be here less than two full days, I am hoping to get a lot done. The trip to Ikea this afternoon kind of sucked (took way longer than it should've because my friend had never been before... I'm more of a "surgical strike" type of shopper there, but it takes repeated exposures to the store), but on the plus side... I got a bed! I've wanted a bed, as opposed to a slightly broken futon frame, for years! And some new curtains because the ones here are Godawful Ugly. And a few other things.

Of course, I also felt guilty because my daughter became completely besotted with the stuffed dog that my friend bought for her own daughter, and I wished that I had run up to grab one for her, but didn't because I didn't think I had time. I also felt guilty because we were there way too long and Calliope was melting down on the way home.

On the plus side, when I asked her if she wanted water, she made the sign for food! I've been working on signs for a while but this is the first time she has spontaneously signed for something other than nursing. Very exciting!

She also went more than 12 hours without nursing last night! She was crying at 11 pm but I refuse to nurse that early. I went in and rocked her and sang to her once. Then she went back to sleep until 5 am. I was going to nurse her then but by the time I got to her door, she was more talking to herself than crying. So I went back to bed... and she slept another three hours! Grand total: 13.5 hours. You go, girl!

Rip 60

Okay, it's a totally ridiculous name, but I'm starting this new exercise program and I'm excited about it.

I have gradually tried to ramp things up a bit over the summer, but was feeling like I needed a new challenge. Running is out for the moment because of plantar fasciitis.

When I was visiting my cousin, I tried a couple of her workout DVDs, one from a program called Insanity and another called P90X.

They were hard! But I noticed that I felt stronger afterwards.

And then last week, in Rhode Island, I tried my brother's Rip 60 program -- it's an 8 week program and includes a pulley system so you can use your own body weight for resistance. I like the concept, and I liked the workout. There were a couple parts that were ridiculously hard, like these things called Burpees, but the total time committment isn't too great -- the first week is 50 minutes, I think the longest week is 60 minutes -- and my brother looks pretty amazing.

So I'm going to give it a shot. My brother generously ordered it for me as a gift, and I did my first official workout yesterday.

I'm not planning to do it every day (at least to start, I plan to alternate with elliptical or biking, now that I finally have my bike, complete with baby seat, in the city), so my first "week" will probably be at least two weeks.

Still, I'm really excited. I am hoping that a new fitness challenge will help me do better with getting enough sleep and also with feeling more energized and focused when I return to work.

Moving In

Today is the third day we've been in my new apartment.

I love it!

There's just so much more space. I feel like I can breathe, even when things aren't entirely neat. And Calliope having her own room is a game changer. Having her toys corralled in one place... wow. And she already understands that the toys are there, and will crawl in there to play. Once I figure out how to install the baby gate in front of her door, I will try to relax into letting her play unsupervised.

The light is great. The in-wall (instead of in-window) air conditioners are so much quieter and they actually cool the apartment very effectively -- what a concept! (Although they seem really dusty, despite my attempts to clean them, and being in a small room with one gives me a headache sometimes.)

Still, the mess and chaos of moving is hard for me. I can't think straight when things are a mess. Not a helpful trait, especially when living with an inquisitive crawling baby.

Luckily I had a day and a half of paid help, including a few hours of childcare. Plus various friends pitched in to help, which was incredible. I'm so grateful and so lucky.

The boxes were all gone by the end of the second day, except for one I forgot about in my bathroom. Of course, I have almost zero storage in both bathrooms (can you believe I have two bathrooms???) so that one box has been consolidated and moved to my bedroom for the time being.

I asked my helpers to just put things away wherever they saw fit, so now I'm working on the slow process of organizing everything. Today's project was sorting through bags of baby clothes -- some too small, some too big, some to donate, some to save, some to turn into rags. That was it for today, given that I had no childcare and used Calliope's morning nap to work out and her afternoon (all 30 minutes of it) to relax in front of the computer.

I know I'm doing really well in how quickly I've gotten a lot done, but it's also easy to get a little discouraged about how much I have left to do to get things the way I want them... and how soon I go back to work (five days). I'm starting to get sad about that, being away from Calliope five days a week again. But I also suspect I may enjoy it more than I anticipate.

In addition to unpacking, Calliope and I went to see the midwife today for my one year postpartum visit. I was a little worried about the state of things "down there," a la The Old Grey Mare She Ain't What She Used To Be.

But she assured me that, despite my infrequent Kegeling, that everything looked fine. And should I decide at some point in the future to have sex again, she doesn't forsee me having to anxiously ask, "Is it in yet?"

So that was reassuring.

Having a pelvic exam with Calliope's participation was amusing. She couldn't play on the floor unsupervised, given her penchant for climbing and exploring, so she sat on my chest. She didn't seem to notice what was going on while I was having the Pap Smear, but she was completely fascinated by what she could see of the bimanual exam (not all that much) -- mouth agape, staring wide eyed.

I'm so glad she can't talk and that her long term memory isn't fully functional yet.

And of course she thoroughly enjoyed watching the breast exam.

Facebook Post and First Photo of Calliope's Own Room!

First photo of Calliope's room! 

Facebook post from 9 pm: Sitting in the pitch dark in the baby's room, in the only chair in the house. I'm dog tired, and due to a mix up with the date of the move, at 9 pm the movers still have a giant load of stuff to bring up from the truck. And Calliope will be up early, regardless. On the plus side, my baby has her own room!

Bragging

... because I got the news this morning that my movers thought I was moving tomorrow and I thought I was moving today. And I freaked out for a few minutes, sure, but mostly... I was okay.

Lately I've found that when something upsetting happens, I think, "well, however bad this is, the situation won't be helped by me getting really stressed out... so I reckon I'll stay calm."

This is a change for me. Not that I was the world's worst stress case before, but still, I'm a lot more zen than I used to be. I'm not sure what caused the change, but I welcome it nonetheless.

Here's a photo my brother just sent from our Rhode Island vacation. Much more flattering than the last one.

And now, time to pack up the modem! (The movers agreed to send two guys over at mid-day with a van and two dollies... the rest of the crew should be here by early evening, fingers crossed. Two moves ago, I didn't finish until 2 am, so I'm sure hoping we do better this time. But the baby's room is, at least, nearly ready for her. If only they remembered to bring her rug, as promised.)

Count Down to the Move

From my brother's phone: out for a celebratory family lobster dinner

in Rhode Island.  Calliope liked lobster. 

Newsflash: feeding yourself a lobster while feeding a baby who avoids
dirtying her hands means you take twice as long to eat as everyone
else at the table

Calliope and I returned from our Rhode Island vacation today. She was a total rock star in the car and we only stopped for one bathroom break the entire time -- four and a half hours in the car, including that one fifteen minute break.

What a change from my car-hating newborn! Who continued to hate the car until about a month ago. What a relief. Thank you Calliope Sage!

Now she's a lets-get-this-over-with-as-quickly-as-possible traveler, just like her mother. Phew.

In other news, she's been chowing down at meals a lot more often, ever since a couple days before her birthday. Her whole frame has filled out a bit and her face is looking rounder. I wonder if it just took her body longer than other babies to realize that solids are the way to go, long term? Or just too many illnesses, too close together?

She continues to be much more likely to eat if I am eating with her. But if I leave her at the table with food on her tray, she throws it (even if I'm gone only a minute or two, or if I leave her with her grandmother, also eating). She is also more likely to try anything on my plate after she sees me taste it, and especially if I offer it to her on my silverware and not on a baby spoon. She clearly gets the memo about growing up -- she wants to do what all the big people are doing.

I make a big point of not commenting that a food is yummy, or praising her for eating. My mom does this whole, "Mmmm, this food is YUMMY!!!" thing that kind of drives me crazy. I think that putting that kind of pressure on food only increases the odds of issues. If she "gets it" that I care if she eats, she can use that to manipulate me.

Naturally, since I had to say no when the pediatrician asked if she has any words on her birthday... she started talking more the day after her birthday. She now says "yeh" delightedly when I ask her if she wants to come with me, has said "no" to food (she also shakes her head vehemently... but then often her opens her mouth to taste the offered food a moment later). She also says "mama," mainly when she wants to nurse or cuddle. My mom and brother swore they heard her say "doggy" a few times, since she is obsessed with my brother's dog, who we shared a house with for the vacation week. She may also say "up" at times.

She's suddenly doing much better with sign language as well! She definitely has "more" and "all done" down, as well as "doggy," and is figuring out "water" and "food" as well. The hardest thing about it is that her signs are a little vague and I'm usually not thinking about sign language when she uses them. So someone else has to point out that she's trying to sign. Doh.

And she loves to climb stairs. Since we don't have them in our NYC apartment, she makes a beeline for them in people's houses. And since the ones in the vacation home were carpeted, I wouldn't hear her climbing, would just look around and realize she was missing. Ooops. Calliope would laugh maniacally when I came running to pluck her body off the stairs. Girlfriend definitely knew what she was doing!

The beach we frequented in Rhode Island had a shallow "crab pond" that was mostly just a few inches deep. Calliope loved it and would go plowing right in, on all fours, giggling and squealing to herself.

I was mostly too nervous to take her in the surf, especially after hearing a story about a two year old that went missing at a Massachusetts beach after her mother went a few steps to retrieve a lost ball. It makes me sick to even think about it.

We got home in time for Eleanor's birthday party, just barely, going straight there. After her nap, we went and visited our new apartment, with brand new re-finished floors. It looks great!

We also dropped a load of hand me down toys and my bike with baby seat at my friend and neighbor's house. One less thing to move! My friend lives just one floor down from my new apartment, and since she is also a SMC, we are both excited to trade babysitting.

Tomorrow I hope to do the final bits of packing, and maybe squeeze in a trip to Ik.ea as well as a trip to the farmer's market.

Monday morning the movers show up at 9 am. I have one week to get settled before I return to work. I sincerely wish I had more time... but I am also grateful that at least the move isn't after I return to work.

Just two more nights of sharing a bedroom with my night feeder! (Sharing a house with others is NOT good for this.... "anything to keep the baby quiet" does nothing good for mama.)

Photos to follow... though I didn't take a single photo while we were on vacation!

One year old!

Hilarious failed attempt to re-create birth photo of her
lying on my chest. She was obviously not enthusiastic.

A few of the many attempted "one year" shots

One Year!

Reading up on vaccine literature. 

This photo was obviously taken before the torture began

She grew two inches, up to 28.5 inches, and technically gained nothing. Still 17 pounds, 8 ounces, the same as at her nine month well baby visit.

However, since she was down to 16 pounds, 14 ounces when she was sick, and I can tell her face is filling out, rapidly too, so I think she is finally getting into really eating solids. Sometimes.

I tried a new and incredibly easy way to cook boneless chicken breast tonight, and I added a little wine to the pan after they were done, and then a glug of heavy cream after the wine had reduced and wow... Calliope gobbled it up! She's pretty much avoided meat thus far, though she finally consented to have a few tiny bites (with a similar wine and cream sauce) a few days ago.

She also had corn on the cob (slathered and butter, and normally with salt as well, but I must've packed it away accidentally) and cheese and peaches and, as a special birthday treat, special Junior's cheesecake, brought by Auntie Salt Lick!

She really, really, really didn't want to taste it, and I basically forced her to try it... well, I got very insistent and then she finally opened her mouth willingly. And naturally, completely loved it... and even after she was full, enjoying squishing it through her fingers.

Who knew cheesecake could be so good???

The doctor wants me to give her lots of rich foods, not surprisingly -- pasta and mashed potatoes and oatmeal, all with lots of butter, or nut butter, stirred in. I'm game to give her butter, but I'm not too keen on processed carbohydrates. I may compromise with quinoa and brown rice and mashed or baked sweet potatoes. All with butter added! And salt. I'm definitely not a believer in a low salt diet for healthy folks like us.

We have to go back for a weight check in a month or two.

She received three vaccines and they took five vials of blood. That was not my favorite part of the day. Poor girl. Sort of a rotten way to celebrate one's birthday! Luckily she had a great time celebrating with Auntie Salt Lick (and me) this evening after a restorative nap on the way home from the pediatrician's office.

http://youtu.be/YTmVwgXLvJ4