Anxious

I'm feeling pretty anxious today.

For one, I should've gotten way more childcare this week. It's pretty close to impossible to get anything done while Calliope is awake, and her naps are pretty short, averaging about 40 minutes each (she takes two). And the only thing more frustrating than not getting anything done while she is awake is... watching her undo work I've done. Like emptying out a bag of clothes I organized to donate. So that suddenly the front hall is strewn with baby clothes. I start laughing out of sheer frustration and inability to understand the impulses of an almost toddler... and of course Calliope catches sight of me laughing and starts cackling. The girl loves to feel like she's in on a joke.

So I'm anxious because although the boxes are gone, there's so much that needs to be tidied and organized and arranged.

I really like things to be organized. I think better and have more energy when everything is neat.

But I know that I won't have energy to come up and organize after work... and I go back to work in three days. Ugh.

Which brings me to the next item on my list. Returning to work.

I'm sad about returning to work and leaving Calliope. I'm also anxious about feeling tired -- I hated feeling so very tired, so much of last year. Not so much at work as in the evenings after I put her to bed.

I'm also anxious about doing a craptastic job at work. I felt like I really wasn't engaged last year. Everyone seems to think it is a normal way for a new mother to feel, but it wasn't enjoyable. I want to care about my work, I want to have energy to welcome and not dread the next patient, I want to have motivation to do additional outreach to boost enrollment and increase foot traffic.

I'm also worried about money. I crunched some numbers and looked at some IRS calculators and I reckoned that after tax breaks, I could afford my new place. But now I've worried that I've made a grievous mistake, and that I am going to burn through all my savings.

There, I think I've got it all out on the table. I feel a little bit better now.

On the plus side, I love my new place, and it continues to look better as I get (a little bit) more done. My mom is coming to help this weekend and although she will only be here less than two full days, I am hoping to get a lot done. The trip to Ikea this afternoon kind of sucked (took way longer than it should've because my friend had never been before... I'm more of a "surgical strike" type of shopper there, but it takes repeated exposures to the store), but on the plus side... I got a bed! I've wanted a bed, as opposed to a slightly broken futon frame, for years! And some new curtains because the ones here are Godawful Ugly. And a few other things.

Of course, I also felt guilty because my daughter became completely besotted with the stuffed dog that my friend bought for her own daughter, and I wished that I had run up to grab one for her, but didn't because I didn't think I had time. I also felt guilty because we were there way too long and Calliope was melting down on the way home.

On the plus side, when I asked her if she wanted water, she made the sign for food! I've been working on signs for a while but this is the first time she has spontaneously signed for something other than nursing. Very exciting!

She also went more than 12 hours without nursing last night! She was crying at 11 pm but I refuse to nurse that early. I went in and rocked her and sang to her once. Then she went back to sleep until 5 am. I was going to nurse her then but by the time I got to her door, she was more talking to herself than crying. So I went back to bed... and she slept another three hours! Grand total: 13.5 hours. You go, girl!