Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Bracing for Change

A few posts ago, I made a musing comment about being envious of others making big changes in their lives.

I guess I jinxed myself.

Today I received news that my hospital employer may be closing its doors. It was recently taken over by a larger hospital, and apparently that hospital is losing about three million dollars a week. And thus the state comptroller advised the CEO of the bigger hospital to close the smaller one.

I've been through similar threats (though never to the entire hospital) twice before at this job, and once, I officially did lose my job. But since my salary is pro-rated over the summers, I was still receiving a regular paycheck when the program I work for was saved. And so I'm hoping that the community and the politicians will rally once again to save this community hospital.

I'm scared of what this might mean. Scared, most of all, for what it will mean for Calliope. I didn't pay much attention to the schools in my neighborhood when I bought this apartment because I assumed she would be able to go to the school where I work (I work for a hospital but inside a public school). Now that is thrown into question.

I'm also worried about where I would work next. My current job is comfortable. I'm well liked, and I work absolutely independently. I've proven my productivity, and no one checks up on me. Plus, I'm on a school schedule! Summers off, and all those school vacations! What could be better for a single mother?

Now everything could be thrown into uproar.


I'm trying not to panic. Trying to remember that worrying won't change the final outcome one iota, hard as that is to remember. So I might as well try to not worry, and to wait and watch events unfold.

There's also a small, possibly foolish, part of me that thinks that maybe this is the universe offering me that longed-for opportunity to reinvent myself. Calliope is young; there's no reason that we have to be settled down in one place at this stage in her life. Maybe having her by my side will give me the courage to try some place totally new, in some radical new plan. Like, maybe travel nursing (every 13 weeks a new assignment), or moving to a new city. Or maybe even international work for a year or two. I have  always dreamed of something spontaneous like this, this but until now, always lacked the courage to attempt it (apart from my rather spontaneous move to San Francisco after graduating from college). I always hoped that I would have a spouse that would empower me, knowing that I would have someone with me to keep loneliness at bay. But I think that Calliope could do the same thing. I wouldn't be alone with her for company, limited though it is in many respects.  It would be unfortunate if I had to sell my brand new (to me) apartment just a few months after buying it, but maybe the co-op board would be willing to bend the rules and let me sublet for a while.

So I'm scared, and in a funky mood, mourning my job and the community in my school, even before I have more news of what is to come. But a little part of me is alive to the possibilities at my doorstep.


  1. Adventure could be fun (might I suggest Nebraska? We lack a SMC community and could use you here!). At the same time, I understand the longing for stability that your current life already has in place. Either way, I'm sure you will build a happy and loving environment for you and Calliope.

  2. Being set free, facing in my opinion...TERRIFYING. Most people avoid it. What do you really want? You're freer than most. Where would you go if you could go anywhere...what would you do?

  3. I so love how you're facing your fears, the unknown with such openness. How ever small the part of you doing so is. I of course recommend the foreignness that is Texas, because one must remember we were our own country at one point!! Can't wait to hear how everything progresses!!

  4. Move to LA! Ha ha, I hope it feels good that we all want you to be our neighbor :)

  5. Sorry to hear about the possible job loss. I say go for the travel nursing. My cousin did it for several years and LOVED it. You only live once and what a great example to set for Calliope.

  6. Being in that limbo must be scary even if it may present new & exciting opportunities...I'd suggest coming here to ON but that might be too big a change, lol!!

  7. Well... I'm glad you can at least see the positives in the situation. And who knows - maybe there won't even be a "situation" because your job won't be cut (hospital won't be closed? Whatever.)I'd suggest coming up to Boston, but something tells me you don't want to do that. :) I wonder if travel nursing would be too much change/transition for Calliope, but I'm sure it could be fun for a while, too. And maybe you could come to ALL our cities! Keep us posted on what happens, and what you decide to do.