Bracing for Change

A few posts ago, I made a musing comment about being envious of others making big changes in their lives.

I guess I jinxed myself.

Today I received news that my hospital employer may be closing its doors. It was recently taken over by a larger hospital, and apparently that hospital is losing about three million dollars a week. And thus the state comptroller advised the CEO of the bigger hospital to close the smaller one.

I've been through similar threats (though never to the entire hospital) twice before at this job, and once, I officially did lose my job. But since my salary is pro-rated over the summers, I was still receiving a regular paycheck when the program I work for was saved. And so I'm hoping that the community and the politicians will rally once again to save this community hospital.

I'm scared of what this might mean. Scared, most of all, for what it will mean for Calliope. I didn't pay much attention to the schools in my neighborhood when I bought this apartment because I assumed she would be able to go to the school where I work (I work for a hospital but inside a public school). Now that is thrown into question.

I'm also worried about where I would work next. My current job is comfortable. I'm well liked, and I work absolutely independently. I've proven my productivity, and no one checks up on me. Plus, I'm on a school schedule! Summers off, and all those school vacations! What could be better for a single mother?

Now everything could be thrown into uproar.

But.

I'm trying not to panic. Trying to remember that worrying won't change the final outcome one iota, hard as that is to remember. So I might as well try to not worry, and to wait and watch events unfold.

There's also a small, possibly foolish, part of me that thinks that maybe this is the universe offering me that longed-for opportunity to reinvent myself. Calliope is young; there's no reason that we have to be settled down in one place at this stage in her life. Maybe having her by my side will give me the courage to try some place totally new, in some radical new plan. Like, maybe travel nursing (every 13 weeks a new assignment), or moving to a new city. Or maybe even international work for a year or two. I have  always dreamed of something spontaneous like this, this but until now, always lacked the courage to attempt it (apart from my rather spontaneous move to San Francisco after graduating from college). I always hoped that I would have a spouse that would empower me, knowing that I would have someone with me to keep loneliness at bay. But I think that Calliope could do the same thing. I wouldn't be alone with her for company, limited though it is in many respects.  It would be unfortunate if I had to sell my brand new (to me) apartment just a few months after buying it, but maybe the co-op board would be willing to bend the rules and let me sublet for a while.

So I'm scared, and in a funky mood, mourning my job and the community in my school, even before I have more news of what is to come. But a little part of me is alive to the possibilities at my doorstep.