It Turns Out That Maybe You Can't Just Refuse To Be Sad

I was feeling cranky and then my friend Stephen stopped by my office. He's a teacher, and he's become a dear, if offbeat, friend. Along with his wife and son. He brought me leftovers 'most every day when my Dad was sick and dying, especially when I commented that sometimes the thought of going grocery shopping was just too overwhelming.

So I mentioned the bad news, and added, "So I guess I'll be expecting a lot more home cooked meals, eh?"

He nodded solemnly as the tears welled up.

I don't want to go through this again.

I know I just have to get through today. I have a car service picking me up at 4 pm and transporting me to NJ where I will be my friend's date for his work shindig. This is my other best friend, Scott, my (long ago) ex boyfriend. He's my family, too, and being with him will be nice. Though being with his boss and the New Board Member won't be relaxing. Then we will have a nice ride home together.

I know my pattern now. I just have to survive today and I will wake up composed again tomorrow.

It's just, I thought I could get through this without being sad like this. By just refusing to feel sad.

It doesn't seem to work that way.

I'm So Mad

I know, not exactly the words that reach you and grab you and make you want to read a post.

But my mom's cancer has returned. She has enlarged lymph nodes in her abdomen. Already.

She's had abscesses since her surgery which just won't seem to finish healing. And can't start chemotherapy until they are healed.

Her oncologist says that a few weeks one way or the other won't make a difference. And that the chemo will beat back the cancer... for a while. I gather she might even have years to live. (Though I doubt that.) But it will definitely get her.

Unless, of course, she gets taken by something else in the meantime.

I've lost a parent already.

It sucked.

I don't want to do this again.

Given that I don't have an option, I'm trying to just steel knuckle my way through. But that's not helping today.

I don't want to do this. I don't want Calliope and my family to get even smaller.

So I'm really mad. (And a little sad, too, underneath.)

Change of Heart, One Hour Later

I called "Auntie Salt Lick" and hashed it all out with her.

She made me feel better.

She's known the guy in question for seven years. She did not like him much at first, felt he hadn't done right by me. But he's won her over, by always treating me with caring and respect.

So she said, "Look, you have "hand." For the first time, with any guy, besides your anonymous donor, since I've known you. You get to call the shots. So instead of thinking about what he wants, think about what you want. You don't have to make any rules. Just warn him that you are allowed to change your mind at any point."

And this made me think that maybe I'm wanting more just because I felt like he wanted more.

Maybe instead I can just work on paying more attention to my boundaries.

This is not an easy thing for me. I'm terrible at boundaries in my romantic relationships.

I also realized, through this conversation, that I really, really want to go to this Red Dress event in DC. Not just because of him. But because I really want to dance in my underwear with like minded folks again. Because it made me feel sexy and strong and confident. And I loved that feeling.

And you know something?

I don't think I would feel half so strong and sexy and confident if not for the fact that I've taken this SMC journey. That's not to say I wouldn't consider being in a relationship. But that I don't have to be. I've shown myself and the world that I can carry a pregnancy and give birth to a child and raise that child and work full time and make it all work. And be happy.

You bet I feel strong and sexy and confident.

And if this strong and sexy and confident SMC wants a chance to go crazy and dance in her underwear a few times a year... well dammit, she deserves to.

The Letter I'm Writing In My Head

After walking around all morning with a sense of wonder, I shared my story with my SMC sisters on the Forum.

They were happy for me, but shared cautionary tales. Tales I wanted to hear. Before I'm fully vested in this romantic adventure.

Here's the letter I composed in my head on my bike ride home from work. I won't send it, but I might share the contents on a phone call sometime soon.

"I had an amazing time this weekend. Thank you for driving up to visit. 

Even though I want to be fun and light hearted, I think it's more important that I be honest with you, and more importantly, with myself.

Here's what's going on with me: I thought I just wanted a friend with benefits. But spending this weekend with you, and seeing  you in my real life, made me think that maybe I want more. I think maybe you're thinking you want more, too?

I'm worried that I could end up getting hurt. And I feel like I need to be cautious of my heart, especially now with a young child in my life. I think I need you to sort out your own life before you should mingle too much with mine. I am afraid that I (or worse, we) are a distraction from your divorce.

A friend suggested I read called "Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce." I know you're not my boyfriend yet. But just in case you might be interested in that position at some point. Amazon readers suggests you should should read it too. I just ordered it on Amazon today. I will let you know what I think.

I'm curious to see if advises us to take time apart. I think it might make sense for you to finalize your divorce before we embark on anything together. That's not the solution I'm hoping for, so I hope there's another way. But I'm guessing there's not?

Some even say to wait a year after the divorce is finalized. That seems like a long time. But seven years have passed already. What's another year or two? (Okay, I admit I'm hoping it won't be that long.)

I don't know where I will be in T42 efforts by then. You made some comments at the weekend in August about wanting to be my sperm donor, but I don't think what you meant is that you want to be just my donor. 

My thoughts about T42 have been in turmoil (again) since that August weekend. I so loved getting to have a weekend where I wasn't just about being a Mommy. I adore my daughter, but having a break and cutting loose was amazing. 

So who knows? Maybe I won't have another child in the meantime, after all. If I didn't feel time pressure to match up #2 with my nanny-sharers, the timing might not be an issue at all. And keeping up with them is probably not a good reason to proceed when I'm not sure. 

But I digress.

I need to be careful with my heart, and with my daughter's heart. And it will only get harder to back away if we have more weekends like the one we just had. 

So I encourage you, if you want to pursue things with me, or even if you don't, to get your affairs in order. To finalize your divorce, taking however many arduous steps you need to get there -- I'm sure they are numerous. To continue the therapy you started. To work through some of the pain you're feeling about the ending of your marriage, and especially, giving up the dream of being there to see your daughter every day. I can't imagine what that must feel like, and I'm sorry you have to experience that.

But I can't help you through that. Calliope and I can't just slide into the hole in your heart that was left behind. You have to clear out the rubble and rebuild and then, maybe, there will be some other little space for us. Or maybe not, too. But I think we can't know while you are hurting so much. 

Whatever happens, I wish you peace and light and happiness at the end of this painful journey through divorce."

Calliope Is Two -- Lots of Firsts (and LOTS of photos)

Turned out she didn't know anything about blowing out candles since, duh, I hadn't 

taught her. So we both just kept leaning closer and closer to the candles, and glancing

expectantly at each other. Eventually her cousins pitched in and we all blew the candles 

out together.

Luckily I remembered to teach her the "Happy Birthday" song ahead of time. That 

was a huge thrill for her, having a room full of people singing to her.

Please note that I had a lovely outfit picked out for her. But she had other ideas. Training
pants was the compromise we settled on.

Feeling super bad at her two year well baby visit 

(found the sunglasses under the chair in the exam room).

33 inches (40%) and 22 lbs 6 oz (5%).

Doctor is happy with her growth and I don't have to bring her back 

for a whole year -- feels very strange!

First trip to the dentist. Calliope's idol, five year old Annabelle, does
all the work and the dentist just watches. (When he tried to count her
teeth, she laid down on my chest and stuck her thumb in her mouth.)
But she let Annabelle swab at her teeth with the special toothpaste.

Eventually the dentist got a quick peek for about two seconds. He could

tell she sucks her thumb -- her teeth are moving -- from SMC Jen says

not to worry about his recommendation to wean her from her thumb

just yet -- phew!

My triumphant dental superhero on the walk home from the dentist. 

Note the toothbrushes clutched in her hand. And the awesome outfit from Annabelle's

mom, Emily.

First time on the thing that spins really fast on the playground.

Note the bathing suit. She's obsessed with them lately.
Whenever she isn't allowed to be naked. 

Adopted by a sweet older girl on the spinning thing. Who
held on tight so C wouldn't fall off. 

C seemed a little stunned by the affectionate help, but

went along with it. 

Playing in the waves with Auntie Salt Lick

Spending the morning with her new nanny. The separation

went pretty well the first time they went out. When they

came back for lunch, C fell apart. Oops.

She will be back in full time care with the nanny next week.
I'm hoping for a relatively easy transition.

She adores carousels. This was the one at Coney Island.

Finally, a photo of Calliope, her godmother, and Mommy.

All of us in the same photo. At Coney Island.

"I don't know why Mommy is always trying to keep the good stuff 

-- like chocolate -- away from me. I bet this red onion is 

perfectly delicious. Thank goodness she finally agreed to let

me taste it."

I don't really care for all the rides that Mommy paid for... but what could be better than
reuniting with Luna for some more puddle stomping???

I'm still envious of Luna's ability to clear the ground when she jumps, but I don't let that

get in the way of a good time.

At Victorian Gardens, a toddler amusement park in Central Park

Long wispy hair in the back

Notice the pseudo rat-tail

Enter: baby's first haircut.

(Not shown: tremendous battle getting her to agree to wear 

even that pair of underwear.)

Feeling a little remorse, even though those long stringy threads really 

needed to come off. 

My shorn little sheep. Err, lamb.

Short haired girl at Coney Island (another trip -- 

we made several since it's so close).

Mother daughter trip to the Aquarium.

All part of Camp Mommy -- my effort to make our two week staycation

memorable. 

Perhaps somewhat wasted on a toddler who won't remember, anyway?

We had a good time, regardless.

Her birthday present from me -- a child sized Ergo for carrying dolls

-- was a huge hit. I'm glad she isn't walking around with the full

size baby carrier anymore -- it was a  definite tripping hazard.

Giving the well-loved Baby Jenna an extra snuggle. Or else

nursing her. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Using the full size baby carrier. Pre-doll-carrier, pre-haircut,

pre-potty training. Total safety hazard.

Plus poor Teddy was forced to ride very low, indeed.

On her actual birthday. Wearing her 

awesome "two" outfit. 

Thanks Surlymama for the awesome dress!

I just don't understand why Mommy won't

let me wear the matching underwear

every single day. They are my favorite!

Looks so cute from the back!

 Has great coverage for sliding AND
easy access for the potty -- perfect!

What's not awesome about naked plus older cousin's backpack?

A hand towel is the perfect size for staying up while wrapped and

tucked around her, just like Mommy

Obsessed with sunglasses, and actually keeping them on for a moment.

New sayings: "I need that!" -- generally something of mine that she most assuredly does not need.

She also walks around saying "proud me" because I say, "I'm proud of you" when she tells me she needs to use the potty. This is an example of a time when she uses pronouns correctly. But she still says "help me" when she wants to help, well, me, and means "help you."

She is suddenly helpful in putting books and toys away, sometimes, and sings "Cleam up, cleam up" as she does so. Of course, when I actually ask her to "cleam up" she generally refuses.

She loves being asked "are you okay" and will often prompt me with a "you okay?" question, just so I will ask her and she can gleefully respond, "yeah!" Sometimes I hear her practicing in the crib, "Kyopee (Calliope), you okay? Yeah!"

When I want her to say please, I say, "can you ask me nicely?" and she responds, "Nice!"

She is starting to recount things from the past. When we were playing with a plastic airplane toy, I asked if she remembered flying on an airplane to see Grammy in Boston. She replied, "Ana! Swimming!"

I was amazed -- she remembered seeing her cousin, Eliana, aka "Ana" and going swimming with her, several weeks prior. That was the first time I'd seen that. She also talks about "cats, hiding" after feeding the cats downstairs for a few days.

When I get out my bike, she stands in front of me and calls out excitedly, "Here comes, bike!" as she helpfully beckons the bike to roll towards her.

She's making good progress with colors. She has added yellow, white, and blue to her reportoire over the last several weeks. Green is a work in progress, and black is on the distant horizon. Purple, pink, red and orange are firmly established.

She went through a phase right around her birthday of being very concerned about her belly. Namely, where was it when it was covered by her pajamas. So we went through a couple of weeks of "Belly?" "Still there!"

During the day, she prefers to be naked at all times, and going out requires a careful negotiation, explaining that we aren't allowed outside without clothes. She finally understands that we also have to sit on the potty before we go outside.

Potty training continues to go well. She's still averaging one accident a day, most days. Generally at the end of the day when she's tired. But so far we haven't had any disastrous accidents, so I'm pleased with her progress. Our next step is working on using the toilet more. Yesterday she did so several times, which was great. I'm still bringing the potty with us wherever we go. I have to figure out when it will be safe to just hurry her out of the playground and to the closest public restroom. Am I alone in feeling like this will be a lot more work for me?

I Might Have Had A Romantic Weekend

Old Flame visited, as promised, this weekend.

Amazing. I was convinced he was going to flake on me until he finally called Thursday night. I was working very hard on getting okay with whatever the outcome was, practicing being in the moment, and was very tired, so fell asleep at 9 pm. He called before 10, as requested, and woke me. (Normally I never sleep with the phone where it can wake me but since I went to bed before nine, I decided to give him a pass.) So we chatted a little, he confirmed his travel, and since I was half asleep, I admitted, "Oh, I thought you were going to cancel."

We went to a party on Saturday afternoon so I could see our mutual friend, Calliope's godmother, who had a really rough week.

After that, we left Calliope with my downstairs neighbor (who is one of my closest friends) so we could go out to dinner at a nearby (and totally amazing) restaurant.

It was so much fun to be on a date! To have dinner in a nice restaurant, and sip a glass of wine, and flirt, for God's sake. We had tons to talk about and he gave me quite a few sort of smoldering looks that I don't know how to react, because I'm awkward like that, so I grin sheepishly and quickly drink some wine and look away.

Today: the farmer's market and playground, then the beach at Coney Island. It turned out that the beach with a toddler wasn't great as a romantic destination because Calliope mostly wanted to run along the water's edge, trailing a discarded Mylar balloon, but it was fun. This makes conversation challenging when someone has to stay near the stroller with all of our valuables. Still, he was great and made sand castles with Calliope, and even took her swimming (I was too much of a wimp to go in).

He left late this afternoon, after reading a few books to Calliope. She can't say his name, Chris, so calls him "Kiss."

Oh, the irony.

I'm not bothering to keep her away from him because she's too young to be aware, and she meets lots of my friends. But she definitely took a shine to "Kiss."

Probably because he was completely amazing with her.

Like, on the beach, he starting digging a big hole in the sand with her. Without prompting. It never occurred to me to show her how to dig. She was in heaven, knocking over the little piles of sand he built up for her.

He was also really nice to me. Very generous and kind and nurturing.

This afternoon, right before Calliope was removed from her imprisonment from the crib, I asked if he wanted to have a conversation about his two comments from the Ithaca weekend (the "I'll be your sperm donor" and the "I love you," neither of which I responded to) and he said "maybe" and then made sure to, ahem, distract me. So I decided to leave them alone.

He made multiple allusions to coming back soon, talking about how he could travel directly to LA for work from NYC and then come back again for a second weekend... but we didn't make any actual plans.

Which is fine by me. I think I need some time to digest.

It was a really great weekend. It felt easy, and fun.

It also made me feel like my head was going to explode.

Having my child and my... lover?... in the same house was completely bizarre.

The idea that he could see me in my natural habitat, doing my deal as a single mother, and still be interested in me romantically seems unfathomable. I mean, what's sexy about mothering a toddler? (Answer: nothing. At least from my perspective.)

I don't know what to think about how great he was with Calliope. I never imagined that. He said that ages 2-3 are his favorite. But it's still somehow shocking to see him initiate interaction with her way more than he had to. It made me feel really strange... because I kind of loved it. It never occurred to me that someone could actually really enjoy my child like that. Of course, it also freaked me out a bit. But I found myself smiling a lot. Which, again, freaked me out.

I haven't asked him what's going on with divorce, or when it's supposed to be final. (He has previously offered to answer any questions I have; I haven't asked any so far.) I know that he is in prime territory for a rebound relationship. I know I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship. So I'm cautious. At least, I hope I am.

I also know I really liked being with him. And it didn't feel like I was trying hard, or being someone that isn't really me. Which hasn't been true with my dating experiences in recent years. And that felt really great.

My goal for the next few weeks is to stay calm, to enjoy this, and to stay in the present. Not an easy challenge for me sometimes. I feel good, if a bit overwhelmed, right now. I hope I can hold on to the good part.

Day Three of Biking, Lots of Anxiety, and Other Tidbits

Today was my third day of biking to work. Well, third morning -- I'm still at work. (Not working, though. There's no students and I haven't done a single productive thing so far. Way to go.)

I'm beginning to see that it could be enjoyable. It was only mildly stressful this morning. Which was a huge improvement.

I'm also leaning on the brakes a bit less, which should be improving my transit time. It also feels about a mile shorter each time I do it. The first morning, just getting to Prospect Park took forever. Today, it felt like a momentary blip.

I'm not sure if the biking is related, but I'm coming out of my skin with anxiety, though.

My first day back at work, Tuesday (today is Thursday), my two co-workers mentioned that our hospital merger of ?two years ago was declared illegal. The hospital that merged with us had been trying to shut us down. And now apparently found a loophole to dump us in a different manner. But the hospital group that originally owned us doesn't want us back. And is in the midst of merging with yet another hospital. Who presumably doesn't want us either. There will apparently be a court ruling tomorrow when more will be revealed.

So no new news. Just more craziness.

Then my friend, Calliope's godmother, called me yesterday morning in a panic. She was supposed to work from home but her boss and just called her to come in to the office and to clear her schedule. She was panicking, worried she was going to be fired for some unknown reason. The thing is, she's a kickass employee. She works all the damn time. I can't imagine why she would be fired. But then she texted me later to tell me, "I might lose my job. I have to talk to the chairman. I don't want to get into it now. Will discuss in person."

I'm not sure when we will see each other in person -- perhaps at a party this weekend if Old Flame doesn't come to visit. But I'm very worried on her behalf.

Then there's Old Flame. He's supposed to come visit this weekend. Three nights ago, we had a great talk on the phone. While he was driving from upstate NY to DC. So maybe my company was better than talk radio? Or maybe he really wanted to talk to me. Two nights ago, I was expecting him to call to let me know his plans, but he didn't. So yesterday morning, I texted to ask his plans. He texted back that he would call last night. Last night I wanted to go to bed early, so I texted and called... no response. This morning I had a text apologizing about last night -- a friend had stopped by unexpectedly (he didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure his six year old daughter was also there). He promised to call tonight. I wrote back asking him to call before 10 pm. He responded that he would call around 1 pm.

I don't know. I keep waiting for him to cancel. I'm guessing that the above behavior would be considered flaky? I don't know how much to tolerate. I don't know what we're doing. I don't know what I want.

Theoretically, I want a friend with benefits. But it sure seems like I'm acting like I want more than that. If he was just coming up for sex, I wouldn't care if he waited until the last minute to make plans, right?

And maybe some stuff with my mom is in the background. That deserves a post of its own, but I never feel like dwelling on it. The short summary is that she's had a complicated recovery from bladder removal -- a total of three abscesses, which have made her weak and tired and times. And her final pathology report showed that they got the entire tumor... but that it was an unexpectedly aggressive cell type. Which penetrated the fat of the abdominal wall. So her doctor recommends an additional six cycles of chemotherapy. Which she can't start until the abscesses heal. Which has taken many weeks. But hopefully is nearly complete.

I think the job thing is my main anxiety. With Old Flame taking up a certain amount of mental real estate. And biking just making me keyed up.

Whatever the cause, the first three days of work have me walking around with my shoulders up to my knees and my stomach aching. I'm trying to center myself, to do cleansing breaths, to "not have my pain in advance."

I also set up my office and cleared up some of the mess. Having things organized always helps my mental state. But there's tons more to do on my Life To Do List.

At least I am at work and all by myself today! I was really ready to come back after two weeks of staycation. Even though it felt terrible to leave this morning with my naked toddler wailing "Mommy! Mommy!"

My poor munchkin. Hugging her this morning has been the best and most cheering part of my day.