I called "Auntie Salt Lick" and hashed it all out with her.
She made me feel better.
She's known the guy in question for seven years. She did not like him much at first, felt he hadn't done right by me. But he's won her over, by always treating me with caring and respect.
So she said, "Look, you have "hand." For the first time, with any guy, besides your anonymous donor, since I've known you. You get to call the shots. So instead of thinking about what he wants, think about what you want. You don't have to make any rules. Just warn him that you are allowed to change your mind at any point."
And this made me think that maybe I'm wanting more just because I felt like he wanted more.
Maybe instead I can just work on paying more attention to my boundaries.
This is not an easy thing for me. I'm terrible at boundaries in my romantic relationships.
I also realized, through this conversation, that I really, really want to go to this Red Dress event in DC. Not just because of him. But because I really want to dance in my underwear with like minded folks again. Because it made me feel sexy and strong and confident. And I loved that feeling.
And you know something?
I don't think I would feel half so strong and sexy and confident if not for the fact that I've taken this SMC journey. That's not to say I wouldn't consider being in a relationship. But that I don't have to be. I've shown myself and the world that I can carry a pregnancy and give birth to a child and raise that child and work full time and make it all work. And be happy.
You bet I feel strong and sexy and confident.
And if this strong and sexy and confident SMC wants a chance to go crazy and dance in her underwear a few times a year... well dammit, she deserves to.