The Letter I'm Writing In My Head

After walking around all morning with a sense of wonder, I shared my story with my SMC sisters on the Forum.

They were happy for me, but shared cautionary tales. Tales I wanted to hear. Before I'm fully vested in this romantic adventure.

Here's the letter I composed in my head on my bike ride home from work. I won't send it, but I might share the contents on a phone call sometime soon.

"I had an amazing time this weekend. Thank you for driving up to visit. 

Even though I want to be fun and light hearted, I think it's more important that I be honest with you, and more importantly, with myself.

Here's what's going on with me: I thought I just wanted a friend with benefits. But spending this weekend with you, and seeing  you in my real life, made me think that maybe I want more. I think maybe you're thinking you want more, too?

I'm worried that I could end up getting hurt. And I feel like I need to be cautious of my heart, especially now with a young child in my life. I think I need you to sort out your own life before you should mingle too much with mine. I am afraid that I (or worse, we) are a distraction from your divorce.

A friend suggested I read called "Surviving Your Boyfriend's Divorce." I know you're not my boyfriend yet. But just in case you might be interested in that position at some point. Amazon readers suggests you should should read it too. I just ordered it on Amazon today. I will let you know what I think.

I'm curious to see if advises us to take time apart. I think it might make sense for you to finalize your divorce before we embark on anything together. That's not the solution I'm hoping for, so I hope there's another way. But I'm guessing there's not?

Some even say to wait a year after the divorce is finalized. That seems like a long time. But seven years have passed already. What's another year or two? (Okay, I admit I'm hoping it won't be that long.)

I don't know where I will be in T42 efforts by then. You made some comments at the weekend in August about wanting to be my sperm donor, but I don't think what you meant is that you want to be just my donor. 

My thoughts about T42 have been in turmoil (again) since that August weekend. I so loved getting to have a weekend where I wasn't just about being a Mommy. I adore my daughter, but having a break and cutting loose was amazing. 

So who knows? Maybe I won't have another child in the meantime, after all. If I didn't feel time pressure to match up #2 with my nanny-sharers, the timing might not be an issue at all. And keeping up with them is probably not a good reason to proceed when I'm not sure. 

But I digress.

I need to be careful with my heart, and with my daughter's heart. And it will only get harder to back away if we have more weekends like the one we just had. 

So I encourage you, if you want to pursue things with me, or even if you don't, to get your affairs in order. To finalize your divorce, taking however many arduous steps you need to get there -- I'm sure they are numerous. To continue the therapy you started. To work through some of the pain you're feeling about the ending of your marriage, and especially, giving up the dream of being there to see your daughter every day. I can't imagine what that must feel like, and I'm sorry you have to experience that.

But I can't help you through that. Calliope and I can't just slide into the hole in your heart that was left behind. You have to clear out the rubble and rebuild and then, maybe, there will be some other little space for us. Or maybe not, too. But I think we can't know while you are hurting so much. 

Whatever happens, I wish you peace and light and happiness at the end of this painful journey through divorce."