Thursday, September 5, 2013

Day Three of Biking, Lots of Anxiety, and Other Tidbits

Today was my third day of biking to work. Well, third morning -- I'm still at work. (Not working, though. There's no students and I haven't done a single productive thing so far. Way to go.)

I'm beginning to see that it could be enjoyable. It was only mildly stressful this morning. Which was a huge improvement.

I'm also leaning on the brakes a bit less, which should be improving my transit time. It also feels about a mile shorter each time I do it. The first morning, just getting to Prospect Park took forever. Today, it felt like a momentary blip.

I'm not sure if the biking is related, but I'm coming out of my skin with anxiety, though.

My first day back at work, Tuesday (today is Thursday), my two co-workers mentioned that our hospital merger of ?two years ago was declared illegal. The hospital that merged with us had been trying to shut us down. And now apparently found a loophole to dump us in a different manner. But the hospital group that originally owned us doesn't want us back. And is in the midst of merging with yet another hospital. Who presumably doesn't want us either. There will apparently be a court ruling tomorrow when more will be revealed.

So no new news. Just more craziness.

Then my friend, Calliope's godmother, called me yesterday morning in a panic. She was supposed to work from home but her boss and just called her to come in to the office and to clear her schedule. She was panicking, worried she was going to be fired for some unknown reason. The thing is, she's a kickass employee. She works all the damn time. I can't imagine why she would be fired. But then she texted me later to tell me, "I might lose my job. I have to talk to the chairman. I don't want to get into it now. Will discuss in person."

I'm not sure when we will see each other in person -- perhaps at a party this weekend if Old Flame doesn't come to visit. But I'm very worried on her behalf.

Then there's Old Flame. He's supposed to come visit this weekend. Three nights ago, we had a great talk on the phone. While he was driving from upstate NY to DC. So maybe my company was better than talk radio? Or maybe he really wanted to talk to me. Two nights ago, I was expecting him to call to let me know his plans, but he didn't. So yesterday morning, I texted to ask his plans. He texted back that he would call last night. Last night I wanted to go to bed early, so I texted and called... no response. This morning I had a text apologizing about last night -- a friend had stopped by unexpectedly (he didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure his six year old daughter was also there). He promised to call tonight. I wrote back asking him to call before 10 pm. He responded that he would call around 1 pm.

I don't know. I keep waiting for him to cancel. I'm guessing that the above behavior would be considered flaky? I don't know how much to tolerate. I don't know what we're doing. I don't know what I want.

Theoretically, I want a friend with benefits. But it sure seems like I'm acting like I want more than that. If he was just coming up for sex, I wouldn't care if he waited until the last minute to make plans, right?

And maybe some stuff with my mom is in the background. That deserves a post of its own, but I never feel like dwelling on it. The short summary is that she's had a complicated recovery from bladder removal -- a total of three abscesses, which have made her weak and tired and times. And her final pathology report showed that they got the entire tumor... but that it was an unexpectedly aggressive cell type. Which penetrated the fat of the abdominal wall. So her doctor recommends an additional six cycles of chemotherapy. Which she can't start until the abscesses heal. Which has taken many weeks. But hopefully is nearly complete.

I think the job thing is my main anxiety. With Old Flame taking up a certain amount of mental real estate. And biking just making me keyed up.

Whatever the cause, the first three days of work have me walking around with my shoulders up to my knees and my stomach aching. I'm trying to center myself, to do cleansing breaths, to "not have my pain in advance."

I also set up my office and cleared up some of the mess. Having things organized always helps my mental state. But there's tons more to do on my Life To Do List.

At least I am at work and all by myself today! I was really ready to come back after two weeks of staycation. Even though it felt terrible to leave this morning with my naked toddler wailing "Mommy! Mommy!"

My poor munchkin. Hugging her this morning has been the best and most cheering part of my day.


  1. I'm sorry you're hurting.

    As for the guy, I think as long as you're uncertain what you want you can probably cut him some slack for acting like he doesn't know what he wants either... once you know what you want, ask for it (tactifully if possible) and if he can't give it to you, then you can draw a line about what you won't "tolerate", but if you're still unsure there's no need to toss him out for being unsure as well. (Just my two cents).

  2. Hang in there, Abby. That's a lot of anxiety swirling around you right now. I can see how it would be hard to maintain your center. Seems like you're very aware of it all, and not acting/lashing out...just feeling the discomfort may be what's in store for the next few days.

    I hope you can at least get distracted by OF, and enjoy it for whatever it is in the moment...easier said that done, I know!