The timing is bizarre.
Just yesterday, I blogged here about my breakup with Tom.
Today, out of the blue, he emailed me to say hi.
I shared my news with him. He was congratulatory. And asked if we could be friends now. And added, "I'm a great uncle! I have tons of experience from my nieces and nephews."
When we were breaking up (June 2009), he told me that he'd like to be friends, and moreover, that he'd never felt that way before during a breakup.
I said, "we'll see."
At the time, I felt like, "yeah, I get it why that's good for you -- 'cause I'm awesome -- but why is that good for me?"
But the last time we were in touch (via email), a few months back and the only time initiated by me, I felt like I wanted to be friends as well. That was in December 2010, about eighteen months after we broke up. But then I was too shy to bring it up, worried he would think I would want something more.
So today, I emailed back, and said, "yes, I would like that."
So here's my concern: what if we get on like a house on fire? I'm pretty sure he won't want to replay our romance. But what if my feeble little brain gets confused?
I know he misses his nieces and nephews desperately. What if I mistake his [potential] interest in my pregnancy and subsequent child (god willing... god willing I have a child, that is, not that he's interested in it) as more than that?
I've done a lot of "work" on myself in the past 1-2 years, and I sure feel a lot stronger and more confident in myself that I'm no longer looking for a relationship and/or male approval (for me, I'm not sure I can separate these things... I get that that's not healthy, which is a big part of why I don't allow myself to even consider dating.)
So this will be a big test for me. I want to take it... but I'm a little nervous, too. I hope I'm ready. And that if I'm not, I will know the signs, and be able to call things off again.
Hi Abby,
ReplyDeleteIt is possible. It is going on 6 years since my break-up. We worked together and were friends for about 2 years and then dated for 5 years. We had lived together for most of those 5 years, had the same friends, and work in the same industry so our lives were VERY entwined. Needless to say it was alittle rough at the beginning but we made the agreement that we would not put our mutual friends in the middle. (ie Both of us would show up to celebrations and not make them worry if it was ok for us to be in the same room.) Little by little, the good aspects of the relationship were able to come back and we left the bad behind us. We have discussed getting back together but the big hurdles, marriage and children, haven't changed. And both of us were able to recognize it. Instead, we have both accepted each other for what we are and want and support each other in those decisions. I won't say there were moments of confusion (when he sent flowers on my b-day when he NEVER gace me flowers while we dated, when he offered to be a known donor...)but we talked them through and gave each other space. The nice thing about "being friends" is that you can walk away from the things that didn't work and realize, that now, they don't effect you directly.
On the good side, my ex has been EXTREMELY helpful during my TTC and pregnancy. He was over hanging shelves and blinds for me just this weekend and is on-call to put together the crib etc. in the future. (Not that I can't use my drill (which was a XMas present for him whihc I loved) but I used being pregnant as an excuse to be lazy.) And I am hopefully he and my daughter will have a good relationship. He is a good guy and I think an excellent male model. (As one freind once said, "He is a great guy, just a bad boyfriend.")
My point of the ramble is... it is possible. You'll find many people don't understand it. But if it works for you two, then don't worry about it. My advice... go for it. It is always good to have more friends. And there was a reason you two were together in the first place. Just play it day by day and see what works for the two of you and your child when he/she shows up.
Bethany