I'm discouraged by how lethargic and ambition-less I am.
I was supposed to go get some free diapers tonight from a local parent, entailing a less-than-one-mile walk each way. And I realized... I just couldn't do it. I don't have it in me.
To be fair, I slept horribly last night. I had the worst heartburn ever, developing about three hours after I ate (does this happen to anyone else? I thought it was supposed to happen when you eat! not THREE HOURS LATER! but this is usually how it happens for me.)
Anyway, I couldn't fall asleep, presumably from the heartburn plus general ?antsiness, perhaps being worried about S, worried about my phone...
Oh, yes, the phone!
Last night while I was out for pizza with my SMC friend Emily and her three year old, I realized my cell phone wasn't working. I was surprised to see that it seemed the battery was dead, because I had charged it earlier in the day, but figured somehow a button got pressed for an "app" that used up a lot of energy. After pizza, I came home and plugged in the phone, and... Nothing.
So there I am, a 38w4d single pregnant woman, home alone, without a working phone. Awesome! (And it was already late enough, about 10 pm, that there wasn't anything to do about it. Except for feeling nervous, which I was all over.)
I emailed my two labor coaches to let them know, but then hunkered down and daydreamed about what I would do if I did, indeed, go into labor. Part of me thought that of course I would go into labor, because it would make such a great story, having to go out in the middle of the night to the local bodega (that's NYC-ese for "mini mart") and explain that I was in labor to the nice... ?Bangladeshi storekeeper that I was in labor and could he please either let me use his phone, or make a couple calls for me? (That's assuming he's even open in the middle of the night... I've never seen the store closed, but I am not usually out all that late.)
Obviously, I experienced No Such Luck.
Anyway, I couldn't sleep with all this going on, and then I had to get up early to go to S's appointment, feeling approximately like hammered shit, to use one of his colorful expressions. Then the wait for the subway took forever (like 30 minutes instead of the more typical 5 minutes I expect during rush hour), and I got more and more panicked that I would be late. I sprinted across a street in front of six lanes of traffic to make a light... I can't even imagine what that looked like, but I was glad to know I still had it in me!... and went to the wrong address. When I finally got to the correct address, of course S was no longer waiting outside, since I was so late. And I couldn't text or call him to explain that I was on the way, on account of my phone not working. I explained to the doorman what I was looking for (I didn't know the doctor's name). Thank god there is only one doctor's office on the second floor!
And what a relief, S was happy to see me, and not annoyed or frustrated that I was late. I think I would've burst into tears if he had been mad. And as he pointed out, we couldn't both cry, and he had already called today. As it turned out, of course, there wasn't any crying, but he was just reserving the right.
So now it's evening, and I'm just completely wiped out. I slept through much of my Hypnobabies "Visualize Your Birth" recording, nearly an hour, but for some reason leapt straight up off my bed when it was counting down to waking up, pulling a muscle in my back, and leaving me feeling startled and distinctly cranky. Luckily the muscle pain wore off.
I've been getting up earlier, trying to shift my schedule back towards early mornings... but without going to bed any earlier. So I'm hoping that some of this fatigue is just from that.
But right now, I just feel a little miserable. I don't like feeling like such a slug. My friend called and invited me to go to a Mark Morris dance performance in the park, and I just couldn't find the energy to go, as awesome as I know it will be.
I don't like being like this. Fingers crossed it's not much longer... even though I know I have nothing, really, to complain about. (Thanks for "listening" nonetheless.)