But I do.
Possibly it is the result of spending several hours on the floor, trying to assemble the stupid toy kitchen I ordered for Calliope as her Hanukkah present.
I called in sick today because of Calliope's 103 degree fever last night, but she woke up without a fever and seemingly feeling fine, apart from a runny nose and an unwillingness to eat anything all day, apart from a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter and some dry Cheerios. Plus she nursed, but who knows how much milk I have these days?
So I asked the nanny to come at 10 am with Eleanor and watch both girls so I could work out and shower, then go to my lunch hour chiropractor appointment. (God bless the chiropractor, who does amazing work and also has become a good friend. I cried on his exam table last week, my only breakdown since my mom got sick. Something about being a patient let me feel like it was okay to let down my guard for a minute.)
Anyway, I came back feeling great and got right to work on the toy kitchen. And got totally stuck on the second step -- I couldn't get the screws to align properly. After about five times of taking them out and trying again, I finally oh-so-casually mentioned my frustration to the nanny, and she graciously offered her assistance. We spent the next two hours on the floor while the babies crawled over and around us, scattering an entire box of ziploc bags everywhere, "talking" to Siri on the nanny's phone, and generally wreaking havoc. We let them watch the entire DVD from the baby signing class -- they've never seen more than two songs in one sitting before. But sometimes, you have to do what you have to do.
The kitchen is still far from done. Even though I put in at least another half an hour after the nanny left to bring Eleanor home.
And so maybe it's the mess in the middle of the living room floor that's making me feel, just, I don't know, pissy and off.
Maybe it's that my mom was advised today that there's no time to waste in starting chemo, and ideally she should start next Monday. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like she's skittering from one team to another, each time convinced that they are the obvious best and only choice.
I don't know. But I'm trying to avoid feeling how crappy I feel right now.
I also mentioned the weight thing in my last post. And I know that is weighing on me (heh). The thing is, I'm eating well. I'm not eating any junk. I am eating more carbs than I am supposed to, but that's because I'm hungry. And any plan that suggests I ignore my hunger is not maintainable. Biology is stronger than any diet. I just wish I wasn't hungry. Though I'm definitely eating tons less than a year ago, say. So why did the weight loss stop? Is it starting again? Sometimes I think so, other times, I think not.
And now, back to the stupid toy kitchen, just to get the mess off the floor. Or else to bed. At 8:10 pm. Because at least then I can't see the mess.