In case it wasn't totally obvious from my last post (by the dream where medical office staff pronounce me fat), I'm having some body issues.
Not giant ones. Small to medium size ones.
I'm starting to "get" the pattern here. I get a little bigger, I freak out a little, then I get used to it and go on to enjoy the changes.
But now that I'm hovering ever closer to being visibly, obviously, pregnant, I'm a little scared. I don't know of exactly what. Partly that everyone will know my secret. Partly that I'm not going to totally like being big and pregnant.
Duh. I know. But still, it's scary.
But I'm also worried because in the week before last, I suddenly really didn't want to work out.
I was a pretty inactive child. I was small and really slow and uncoordinated, and running around never seemed like nearly as much fun as curling up with a book. I was definitely lazy.
As I got into high school, I realized that a lot of people actually enjoyed sports. And that it was a good way to make friends. And that all the clubs I participated in were a lot of work. So I started getting more active -- jogging on my own, joining the cross country team (for one season), joining the swim club (for one season, the only one it was in existence). I was still really slow, but I found it somewhat enjoyable. And I swore that when I got to college, I was going to be an athlete for real.
True to my word, I was a varsity athlete during my first two years of college -- swim team. Luckily for me, there were no tryouts, as I was still very slow. But the first season was really fun, in a bizarre way. I used to joke that swim "team" was really an individual sport with a support group. Even runners on a team can chat while they run.... swimmers can only talk in between laps.
The second season was less fun. The team was a very different group of people -- mostly freshman with eating disorders, it seemed -- and I retreated into shyness, and felt very alone. Our training trip to Florida was miserably lonely.
So after that season ended, I was glad to be done with teams. But I kept up with jogging.
And with some short breaks, have been a consistent runner ever since. The past ten years or so, I really haven't even taken any breaks, apart from for things like illness. Two days off in a row is the most I've taken since I went to Mexico in 2000 (and even that was barely longer).
I was given an elliptical by my best friend, Scott (god bless him, and yes, we have a slightly complicated relationship, as we used to date, and yeah, most people don't give their friends very expensive exercise equipment... but it works beautifully for us... in fact, I'm hoping to ask him to buy me a bed as a baby gift... i'm worried about sleeping on a futon frame with a baby and it crawling right over the arm rest that is in lieu of a headboard) when I was six weeks pregnant. It was also cold, dark, and icy outside. And I happily switched to using it instead of running. It's been great because it is sometimes (okay, often, or even usually) a struggle to get out for my run.
The elliptical is easy. Given the pregnancy fatigue, I've found morning workouts to be best. I just roll out of bed and onto the elliptical. Because of hitting the snooze button (nice use of the passive voice, eh?), I don't always get as long of a workout as I'd like, but at least I get some workout in. I aim for five days a week; some weeks are better than others. I wouldn't say I look forward to my workouts, but I don't exactly dread them, either... and I love how I feel afterwards.
Until last week. When suddenly, I really, really didn't want to work out. I managed only two days, Tuesday and Wednesday.
This is scaring me.
I don't want to become a person that is relatively inactive. Being an active, athletic person defines me. Not fully, of course, but it's a big part of who I am. It's what I do.
I don't know why I'm facing the sudden resistance.
I'm a relatively recent believer in listening to my body, so I didn't push past those two days. And then I went away, and while I brought my running clothes, it snowed twice while I was gone, and I didn't push the issue.
I've had several dreams about running recently, and especially with my recent fatigue with NYC, I wonder if my body is resisting the elliptical because it wants to be running? Maybe it needs that outdoors time?
But my running bras are now so small that I can't even force myself to put them on for the elliptical -- I wear a sleep bra instead. I tried to look at sports bras in a catolog over this past week, and just the idea of forcing that on my poor, hapless, and heavy breasts made me shudder. So how can I possibly run?
Plus, I get so out of breath these days. And now it's been so long since I've run that I'd be out of shape for it... plus add in the whole pregnancy belly and breasts and thighs thing...
So I don't know what to do.
But I'm really scared of becoming a person that doesn't work out. It's been my life raft, even on days I was sick of it. Which would be worse, forcing myself to do something I really don't want to do, or becoming some other person, someone who doesn't exercise???
Suggestions would be most appreciated! (And yes, I already walk. After all, I live in NYC. It's an inevitable part of life here.)
PS I'm down to 160 on the baby ticker. Yay! It's been good to be away -- time went quickly. And am gratified to see that the baby in the picture is more or less hairless (no lanugo) again. And I like that the legs are suddenly folded up. And that the neck isn't bent forward much anymore. But can anyone tell me why the neck is suddenly bent to one side? I haven't heard of that before. It's weird.