Part of it's me. I think I'm so focused on this pregnancy thing that I'm a little less attracted to people who can't relate. Maybe.
Though one old friend who I adore... I would love to see her, but she hasn't responded to my emails about plans. Except to include me on an outing with a mutual friend. So I shouldn't take that as she doesn't want to see me, right? But just that she's really busy?
I love hanging out with my SMC (Single Mothers by Choice) friends, but lately, they all seem really... busy? I don't know. Suddenly, I feel like I'm the one always taking the initiative. Which makes me paranoid. I'm worried that I've become really annoying or otherwise tiresome to be around.
I've a long history of feeling tainted, uncool, unworthy of friends, et cetera. You get my drift. I've mostly gotten over it, but it seems to be coming back a little bit.
Last night, I had dinner with my best friend, Scott. Who is also my ex-boyfriend. We were a couple for five years, and lived together for about, oh, all of five minutes of that. Not on purpose, it's just that neither of us were really established at that time (I had three roommates and he essentially lived out of the trunk of his rental car -- he got hotel rooms every night, but didn't have a consistent one). We broke up shortly after his then 18 year old son with Asperger Syndrome moved to New York City. We've been broken up five and a half years, now.
Anyway, we had a great time last night, but I feel distant from him. I know that although he will love my kid, in general he's not that into kids. Partly because that's just who he is, and partly because he's just not in the kid phase of life anymore (he will be 60 in September... we are 23 years apart in age).
I'm scared of ending up alone, without friends. I'm scared that I'm fucking annoying and don't know it.
And also, I'm really, really tired of winter in NYC, and I'm desperately missing the climate and the hiking in San Francisco, and idly contemplating what it would be like to totally pull up stakes and move back out there. And hey, if I'm lonely here anyway, maybe that would make it all the easier?
Here's a photo a friend posted from her run in the Marin headlands, just over the Golden Gate bridge from San Francisco. My heart hurts when I see this. I miss it so much.
My sister's husband is interviewing for jobs, and one of them is in San Francisco. Unfortunately, he thinks it's more likely that he will accept a job in Florida. No way am I moving there. But would it be CRAZY to move to San Francisco if my sister do move there? If she rarely has time to call me now, would she actually have time to see me there?
Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous and just need to get my butt out of the house and go to the farmer's market, even if I don't really need anything, just to be engaged in the world?