My Commitment

To my loyal reader/friend who emailed me to make sure I was feeling better because I haven't posted the last couple of day... thank you!

I am feeling... a little bit better.

The bleeding slowed way down. I thought maybe it had stopped, but it came back a bit. Still, it's better. I have an appointment for an ultrasound on Monday but probably won't keep it.

My energy level is... still not great. I've had a headache, on top of that, the last two days. Advil didn't help when I tried it yesterday.

But... my attitude is better. I realized today that I'm not doing all that I can do to boost my energy in terms of eating and drinking. And I feel like: if I'm going to complain [bitterly] about my physical state, at least I have to be able to face the red face test, or in other words, to say, yes, I'm not actually causing this problem that I'm moaning about.

So my commitment to Calliope and myself is to do a better job of eating and drinking. .

So I'm trying to really push fluid and also to eat more frequently and more real food. More protein and more fat and not too much "fake food" -- Cliff Mojo bars, Oreos, etc. I don't think I was doing too badly on the fake stuff, though there is room for improvement, but I could definitely do better with the real food. Luckily I am more interested in food now than I was during my pregnancy. Last night I came home from my new mom's group plus a quick trip to the food co-op to pick up a half gallon of milk, and I was so tired I wanted to cry, and also thought I couldn't muster the energy to prepare (minimal work) and eat my dinner. But when I finally managed to have my dinner... what a difference it made in how I felt.

This was instrumental in me figuring out I needed to do a better job of self-care.

Yesterday the cleaning woman came in the morning, and also the postpartum doula. She was very lovely, but I realized after talking to her for two hours that I didn't really need to do that on a regular basis. I mean, it was great to have some emotional catharsis, plus she showed me how to inflate the tires on the Bob, a task that had felt overwhelming (wow, pushing the Bob is like a dream! by the way), but I don't think I'll need it again right away.

However, when I posted an ad to the local parents listserve looking for someone to just do my laundry (so I could lessen the frequency of the cleaning lady, who I don't really need every week), a doula wrote me back and offered her services. She's less expensive than the other doula. And loves to cook for people. And lives around the corner.

So this second doula, Maria, came by today. She was great. And the wonderful thing about paying someone (and yes, there are certainly lots of downsides to paying someone, also) is that I don't have to feel guilty or beholden, either. Or afraid to ask for what I really want.

This was the great thing about pouring my heart out to the other postpartum doula, also. Which was so cathartic and wonderful.

Maria and I are going to try having her come two mornings a week.

The thing that I am most excited about is having a break from Calliope so that I appreciate her more. I remember at my mom's house that even a short break, or even just seeing her in someone else's arms, made her ever so much cuter and awesome.

But having someone cook and grocery shop and do laundry sounds pretty awesome too.

And the idea of having the apartment to myself while Calliope and the doula go out... or for me to go get a pedicure by myself... lovely!

In other news, Calliope has been sleeping a lot the last couple of days. I don't know if it's because I am doing a better job of catching her as soon as she gets tired, or if she's having a growth spurt, or what. But getting caught up on life a bit has felt great. Today I got to read on the couch for a while (albeit The Baby Whisperer, but it still felt like an escape to get to read) and even lay down on my bed by myself for a quick doze.

And now it's 8:15, Calliope is asleep in her swing, and I'm going to get ready for bed.