I gathered up my courage/motivation and took Calliope on the bus to Park Slope today.
I had hoped we could ride there on our first-even Brooklyn bike ride, now that I have my bike back from MA and it now has a baby seat... but I realized I had no clue where the bike lock was. Finding that in my new apartment (where several others helped me unpack) is the type of chore that can derail me for sure.
So we took the stroller and the bus.
For the first time ever, Calliope was a disaster on the bus. The ripe smell of eau du diaper did nothing to enhance our prestige as she screamed. Finally she gave up her protests (I wouldn't let her crawl around on the floor of a moving NYC public bus, cruel mother that I am). Then we got to the nursing bra store... only to find out that the store owner wasn't there! And I had called first to confirm she would be there! Her employee kindly offered to call first after, speechless, I spluttered, "But I called first! And I just came all the way from Kensington! On the bus! With a dirty diaper!"
We hung out on the floor of the store and Calliope ate some dinner while we waited. Good thing I brought her food. Then I got measured for my bras, once the woman arrived, breathless, on her bike.
Holy moly, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy size! Even though I'm still nursing! I'm a "mere" D cup now, as opposed to a "G" for ginormous! (Sorry if anyone is normally a G and I offend... it was just THREE cup sizes more than I was used to, and it happened overnight!)
I'm curious if that means I will be even smaller once she weans? Time will tell. It's certainly not keeping me up at night. Not like anyone will be seeing them anytime soon. Apart from Calliope, who eyes my breasts with lascivious delight. It's like, once revealed, she's riveted and can't take her eyes off them.
It's funny, if she asks for food, I say okay, and we go into the kitchen, I put her in the highchair, strap on the bib, go to the refrigerator, etc. She waits patiently through multiple steps, in other words, without complaint.
But nursing! I sit in the chair that we nurse in, and she could be playing happily on the floor, but then she turns and sees me in the chair and she's instantly crying impatiently, "neh neh neh neh." Even though I'm already there and already ready! It's funny how she can go from not thinking about it to "oh my god, woman, how long must you make me wait???"
{Absolutely no transition to a new topic}
Earlier today, we had brunch with my ex-boyfriend, Tom. He was the one that suggested getting together. The last time I saw him was about a month before Calliope was born, so a little more than a year ago. A few weeks ago, he suddenly replied to my emailed birth announcement. Which seemed funny and strange. A year ago I had a baby, and you are only NOW responding?
Anyway, we had brunch today. It was nice. I was a lot less guarded than the last time I saw him.
See, we had been dating, everything going along swimmingly for about six months. And then, out of the blue, he broke up with me. Prior to about two weeks before the break up, things had been great. The last two weeks, he just seemed strange and distant. So I had a little warning, but not much.
In his breakup speech, he told me, "I just feel like I'm not being honest with you, that the relationship can't keep going in this direction. There's nothing wrong, it's just that something is missing. But I think you're awesome! I've never wanted to stay friends with an ex before, but I'd really like it if we stayed friends."
My stony response was, "yeah, I'll have to think about that."
Internally, I thought, why would I want to be friends with you? I have plenty of friends.
A few months later, in therapy as a way to prepare for becoming an SMC, a sort of mental cleaning house, I contacted Tom via email to ask him if he could better explain what went wrong.
He could not.
At some point, I stopped caring. I was happily pregnant. We exchanged casual, friendly emails every few months, mostly initiated by him. As time passed, I could see that it had been hard for him that I was better educated than him, much better employed, more stable in my life, more affluent. And frankly, significantly smarter. And that, yes, I had been happy with him, but maybe it was because it was a shallow relationship, that I had been content if it wasn't perfect and deep on every level? Maybe I had been willing to make [too many] compromises because of my then-ticking biological clock?
Who knows.
We had lunch one sweltering day last summer and it felt awkward. I was very guarded. I figured I wouldn't see him again.
Until he proposed we get together again, fourteen months later.
And it was great. We have a good time together. We make each other laugh. It was relaxed and easy. Well, apart from me having to chase Calliope down a few times. Mostly I let her play in a tree pit (we were sitting in the backyard of a restaurant) and took the attitude of, they say it takes a village so please, watch your step and don't step on my kid, 'kay?
I don't feel any impulse to jump into bed with him or anything like that. But I do feel like we still connect. So it's a little confusing. Part of me wonders if, now that I'm already a mom and not looking for a co-parent, he's wondering about more. I don't think so, though.
It worries me a little that I think it would be easy for me to slide into wanting more, just because we have fun together. And I never really saw us having issues to begin with.
Of course, I may not hear from him again for another year. I doubt that, though. Probably a few months?
It's all very strange to me that I'm even having these thoughts because I'm not looking to date. I don't miss sex (this is deeply shocking me). I don't wish I had to juggle someone else's needs. I like being my independent self. I like devoting most of my free time to my child, who will only be small for such a short time. I love not having any drama in my life. (Apart from apartment drama, anyway.) My plan was to stay single until Baby Number Two is on the scene and well established.
And I do think that he's not looking for more. He doesn't strike me as the type of person to reconsider this type of decision. So I'm pretty confused about why I'm even thinking about this. Being happy as a single mother plus a guy who clearly isn't interested... why would I dwell on this for a moment?
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