Terrible News

Tonight when I was sitting on the floor in Calliope's room, playfully dressing her in a long sleeve shirt and socks and fleece sack, out of nowhere, came this terrible thought.

"Oh god. Aaron is going to find out today that his baby is dying."

Aaron and Karina and sweet baby Olivia weren't even on my mind when this terrible premonition came to me. Olivia had been responding beautifully to chemotherapy, and her parents were supposed to be able to bring her home to her big brother a couple of days ago, when she suddenly got hoarse and began to have trouble breathing.

I don't know why I had this thought. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Was this some sick way of protecting myself and my own happiness?

Horrified, I struck the thought from my brain as quickly as it came.

But I was right. Perhaps that very moment was when Aaron and Karina learned that although their daughter's kidney tumor had shrunk dramatically... the tumor in her brain has exploded.

Tomorrow morning they remove the breathing tube and say their goodbyes.

There are no words for the unspeakable sadness of this.

If there is any good that can come of this, it's to embrace the children that we are lucky enough to carry in our arms and not only in our hearts. I am grateful that I am happy and loving my life every single day. All we can do is live our life without regrets.

I will miss you, sweet baby Olivia, though I never got to meet you. I will hold your memory in my heart.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/oliviarashba