Friday, October 12, 2012

Terrible News

Tonight when I was sitting on the floor in Calliope's room, playfully dressing her in a long sleeve shirt and socks and fleece sack, out of nowhere, came this terrible thought.

"Oh god. Aaron is going to find out today that his baby is dying."

Aaron and Karina and sweet baby Olivia weren't even on my mind when this terrible premonition came to me. Olivia had been responding beautifully to chemotherapy, and her parents were supposed to be able to bring her home to her big brother a couple of days ago, when she suddenly got hoarse and began to have trouble breathing.

I don't know why I had this thought. I thought there must be something wrong with me. Was this some sick way of protecting myself and my own happiness?

Horrified, I struck the thought from my brain as quickly as it came.

But I was right. Perhaps that very moment was when Aaron and Karina learned that although their daughter's kidney tumor had shrunk dramatically... the tumor in her brain has exploded.

Tomorrow morning they remove the breathing tube and say their goodbyes.

There are no words for the unspeakable sadness of this.

If there is any good that can come of this, it's to embrace the children that we are lucky enough to carry in our arms and not only in our hearts. I am grateful that I am happy and loving my life every single day. All we can do is live our life without regrets.

I will miss you, sweet baby Olivia, though I never got to meet you. I will hold your memory in my heart.


  1. Oh, my heart breaks for them.

    Cancer sucks. But childhood cancer so awful I can't even find words to describe it.

  2. My heart goes out to Olivia, her parents & family & friends

  3. My prayers are with Olivia's family and friends.

  4. This is such a heartbreaking post. I am definitely thinking of your friends and this sweet baby.

  5. I've been following Olivia's story (via caringbridge) ever since you posted about it on the SMC forum. How horribly sad. It's been really hard thinking of Olivia and her family as I stare at my own daughter, who's very close in age to Olivia. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for Olivia's family. May her memory be a blessing to all of you.