More T42 Thoughts

I really appreciated Claire's sharing that Fiona's transition to preschool was tough, and that separating Calliope's two big transitions makes a lot of sense. A couple people I've told have scoffed a bit (nicely), and said things like, "Oh, kids are resilient." And yes, kids are. But why put her through that if I don't have to? And also, not all kids are unscarred by these transitions. I'd like to maximize my odds of having a happy, healthy Calliope. Why not?

To Wottadolla, I don't think I would do more IUI's or IVFs. I will be forty next October. My eggs are presumably not nearly as robust as when I started TTC'ing at age 35. More to the point, though, I'm not sure how many cycles of TTC'ing I could bear. With 9 blasts on ice, that's quite a few before I'd have to go back to the drawing board.

I'm also not sure stomach the experience of another IVF. I had severe complications with my first IVF, including ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome and hospitalization. I have zero regrets, and didn't have any at the time, either, but I'm just not sure I have the emotional stamina to gut up to that again.

So I think that BFN's from all those blasts will feel like a sign that I am meant to mother just one small soul. If I didn't already have this fabulous child, I would feel differently. But I'm so happy with our life now.

But I reserve the right to change my mind. Perhaps getting back on that TTC roller  coaster will make me obsessed. I sort of hope not. I didn't enjoy that phase of life much. I don't think anyone does. I'm already dreading the two week wait. I'm hoping it's a lot easier with a child already in my life.

Amy, I want to hear more about your adventure! I'm guessing that you don't blog about it because your family reads your blog.

To Ali, your comment, "Looking back, stepping out, and taking that leap to become a SMC the first time was pretty scary. I often wonder if I will feel like I'm taking a leap the second time, or not. " really struck a nerve because I had been just having this same thought earlier today.

So far, it feels very similar. It feels crazy. And I can't exactly explain why I am doing this. My basic justification is "it feels more right than not doing it." Not very compelling reasoning.

A leap of faith is exactly what it is.

I think about Claire and her many bouts of bad luck (kidney disease for her oldest daughter, severe hearing loss for her second, and a flood in her condo) and Shannon (her son had a cancer that fortunately hasn't required treatment beyond monitoring) and all the many things that can go wrong, and wonder if my blase attitude is smart or stupid. Is it better to worry about all that can go wrong, or to just squeeze one's eyes shut to the risks and just jump?

Then, too, most SMCs that I know that live in NYC only have one child. The finances of having two are just so tough. And it's not like I make a lot of money. I make a solidly middle class income, like teachers and police officers. These salaries were never meant to support a family and pay for full time childcare.

And yet, I'm doing it anyway. Trusting that the universe will somehow provide. And that I will somehow make it work. Even if I am forced to make compromises I hadn't anticipated.

Still, with all this, I'm walking around these last few days with a feeling of giddiness. Which makes me feel like I am making the right decision.