I've been thinking a lot since my last post. I'm not sure I can put it into words, my thoughts, but I'm going to try.
Wottadoll's comment really struck a nerve with me. It made me really take a step back and question myself. And I didn't entirely like what I saw.
I think, overall, I'm a good mother. But this self-reflection made me realize some of my motivations... and I don't always like them. I love my child... but I especially love her when she acts the way I want her to. When she's quiet and obedient and clever in just the ways I want her to be. That is, working on a puzzle, or reading books, but not inconveniencing me.
I don't like this. She's not a person to be molded into my expectations.
I think there's a pleasing, if ugly, aspect to parenting (hopefully not just for me!) that is this: finally, someone that I can control! Someone I can bark at when I'm irritable, cuddle when I'm tender, cry over when I'm feeling raw.
This is really unfair to my child.
I guess the thing I keep coming back to is this: I want to be someone that my adult daughter, my darling Calliope, years from now, will want to hang out with. Secretly, I hope she'll want to be my best friend. But barring that, at least, good friends. And that means being a good person now, when I have all the power. Being fair and just now, while I have the choice, so that she will respect me as a person, not just as her mother, when she's older.