The Final Week...

...of maternity leave, that is.

And it's not even a full week. I go back to work on Thursday.

The facilitator of a new mom's group I attended a couple of times suggested that. She said that starting work on a Monday will make the week seem impossibly long. Made sense to me.

It's going to be terribly hard to leave Calliope, I am sure. on Thanksgiving Day, I left her at my mom's house under the capable care of my sister. i mean, to be clear, the baby was sleeping. I wasn't planning to go to the race, but Calliope slept through the night (8:15 pm to 6 am!!!!! only once, to be clear) and so I fed her and had her back in the crib for her morning nap by 7:15 am, when my brother in law was ready to leave to go to my cousins' to meet everyone for the race. So off I went with him to my first 5k race in... a very long time.

The race, by the way, was an amazing success. I was afraid to run it at first, afraid that I'd be disappointed by my time when I am trying to be so positive about my comeback efforts. I mean, it's not like I was ever fast, so I'd only be disappointed in comparison to my own results. But my brother convinced me that I was being ridiculous, that I just had a baby three months ago!!!! So I realized I could let myself off the hook.

The first half mile felt awful. My hips felt tight and sore. Then things warmed up and I pretty much sailed (slowly) through the rest. And at approximately mile 2.5, I realized I had a lot left, and actually picked up the pace considerably. It felt great! And I didn't even see the time clock when I finished, and there was no chip timing anyway, so I have no idea what my time was... and I don't care! I'm so proud that I could just finish, and run the whole thing! Plus it felt so damn good to stretch and push myself hard (unlike, say, during childbirth!) Yay!!!

Various delays meant that I waited at my cousin's after the race for quite awhile before getting a ride home.... getting more antsy and twitchy by the moment. I really did feel a little like an addict, waiting for the next round... of baby love.

Finally I got back and scampered up the stairs, to the sound of crying, and found her swaddled and being rocked in my sister's arms, with my mom standing by. They were both still in their pajamas, and it was actually a sweet scene, them tenderly working together to comfort my wailing baby. I'm afraid I fairly snatched my precious girl out of her arms. I was so relieved to be home to comfort her cries -- because of course they didn't know just the right way to cradle and bounce and sing -- and thankful I got to see her before she went down for her nap. It felt like such a relief to have her cuddled against me at last. Oh, and yes, it was just a teensy bit gratifying to have her stop crying within seconds of my holding her. Just to know that she really does know that I am her Mommy  most devoted servant.

So yes, that was about a three hour separation. And on Thursday, I will be gone more than nine hours.

Ack.

To make matters worse... my fabulous medical assistant is gone. She had to transfer to a job back in the hospital because she realized she couldn't afford to have summers off.

And no, there is not a replacement yet.

So... I'm [to be] a medical provider running a clinic... solo.

No one to answer the phone, do triage, make ice packs, perform first aid, pull charts, call parents, schedule appointments, manage the waiting room...

Yet there will certainly be patients waiting for me.

My administrator says the job has been posted to the union. No word on if there were any applicants from the union. No mention of a temporary medical assistant in the meantime.

I've had to do a day or two of running the clinic alone in the past. It is completely, thoroughly exhausting. To do it for an undetermined amount of time? When I'm just coming back from maternity leave? And have to am determined to add two round of pumping to the "to do" list...

Umm, that would pretty much be defined as hell.

Oh, and my administrator? The one that is hiring a new medical assistant?

Her last day is Friday.

Naturally, there is no replacement for her just yet.

I'm trying very, very, very hard to focus on summers off.

But with no administrator, there is no one to write the grant application due this June.

So who knows if I will even have a job, come next September?

I am resolved not to think about this at all, because there's just no point. If I lose my job, then I am meant for some other job that I just don't know about yet.

But summers off, then, seems doubtful.

If all this weren't going on, I think I would be a lot more ready to face returning to work.

As it is... I'm dreading work far more than leaving my precious baby.

And that is saying something.

Ugh.