Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Redemption Through Housecleaning?

After my post last night, my mood just got worse and worse.

I am not sure if I was completely freaking out about that email being forwarded to my boss ("good girl" HATES "getting in trouble," just the idea of it, even if the mishap is slight) or what.

On top of that, I was filled with rage because a friend of mine, who has left her stuff here since early last fall (with my blessing) still has belongings here, despite my polite request in February to have it gone by April. She came a couple of weeks ago, and took less than half away... and finally, after my THIRD email to her this week, admitted that she won't be able to come again for at least two more weeks. Grrrrr. It's not that it's so much stuff, it's that I feel completely taken advantage of -- slept here for weeks, somehow managed to triple my electric bill, ate my food (nothing like looking for a loaf of artisinal bread in the freezer and finding only the two heels)... and then disappeared for months when I asked if she would contribute to the cost of electricity and groceries.

I'm also freaking out about my baby shower. I know I can trust my friend Salt Lick, who is very organized... but I'm still worried, because we have to rent chairs and tables, and get them delivered, and this is becoming very complicated. She has promised that she is on top of it... but I'm still worried. Then I'm worried that my sister isn't on top of organizing the Blessingway (the ceremony part of the shower), and my sister-in-law isn't going to be on top of the RSVP list (she listed the RSVP date only EIGHT DAYS before the shower... huh???), and I offered to order the food to be grilled (groceries to be delivered via Fresh Direct), but I have no clue how much food to order. And finally, I'm worried, maybe most of all? because I don't feel emotionally ready for a baby shower. I'm not sure if it's because I don't feel physically far enough along in my pregnancy (currently 26+ weeks, will be 28 weeks at the shower) or I'm not all the way "there" yet in my emotional journey towards motherhood, or if I'm just freaked at the idea of all that attention.

Mostly, I'm just freaked out at the concept in an extremely nebulous kind of way.

I also wonder what role the hormone soup is playing in all this.

Anyway, last night, I was just a mess. Raging, hyper, exhausted, stressed, angry... you name it. I'm not used to feeling like this. It's very uncomfortable. I don't tend to get angry.

I was so stressed I couldn't even get anything done for a while, but eventually went stomping around and dealt with the laundry -- the wet clothes got hung up and the bed got made with clean sheets. I did the dishes, and then, in my quest to find a magazine to read in bed (I knew it would be tough to wind down), I even did a preliminary clean up of my desk -- recycled all the junk mail and stacked up the bills in one neat pile.

I didn't have as hard of a time falling asleep as I feared. But I woke up early, feeling just as bad as I did the night before. Luckily my girl likes to wake up right when I do, so we spent a few minutes in bed together, me with my hands on my increasingly taut, round belly, feeling her lurch from one side to the other. I love her. I always appreciate her antics... and also the fact that she has not yet been active enough to wake her mama up (save once, when I was worrying about catching a plane anyway).

So then I found solace in... house cleaning. Luckily my angry mania had already left things in a good place the night before. But this was how I found myself scrubbing the tub and toilet at 7:30 AM, causing me to be late to work. But it was worth it. By the time I got to work and settled in, I felt a bit better. Just thinking about how sparkling my apartment was made me think more clearly. The fifteen minute elliptical workout also took the edge off the angry jitters.

The rest of the day was better. I got my quarterly report done, and saw some cute kids. Then I came home and paid the bills, windexed the desk, and even did all my filing. Then I caught up on thank you notes. I'm still feeling a little pent up, but I know wandering around my clean, organized apartment will continue to help.

Now why I procrastinated for so long, and still have not started that damn brisket in the crockpot is a separate issue. I know that sleep would help me so much. Instead I'm at least 90 minutes off my goal of nine hours of sleep.

Has anyone else felt this hyperactive anger/nervousness? I really dislike it. Hoping for a better day tomorrow, and that another workout will help even more.

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